Parenting Tip- Make the most of 10 minutes a day

I was in Nauvoo volunteering in the costume department for most of the summer - 7 weeks.  I was helping with the Nauvoo Pageant, that takes place for one month every summer.  The British and Nauvoo Pageants tell the story of the missionary work that took place in Great Britain (for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints), the acceptance of the gospel by thousands of people there, and the exodus of those Saints in coming to Nauvoo to help build up the Church.  Then the martyrdom of the Prophet Joseph Smith and the exodus to Utah.

The following is an excerpt from an email I sent to my family:

This Nauvoo experience is taking me out of my comfort zone and making me grow and stretch.  This week I had to become more friendly, look out and befriend new volunteers who have come, ask for help and pray to be able to do hard things.  I have relied on the Savior's atonement and He has helped me learn and grow.

Someone pointed out to me all the things that have happened to me while being here serving:  my water pipe broke in the back yard, a tree in my front yard  has broken in half tearing out half the tree, and possibly ruining all of it, my laptop broke, but miraculously someone was able to fix it, my phone quit but I discovered I can use my kindle to read emails and books AND it has a camera. So yes, bad things have happened, but I have seen the Lord's hand in resolving most of them too.

I have been pondering about something here, and that is how much work and time and expense has gone into the little details that not many people notice.  Also, how important the details are and the importance of individuals--the ONE.  Example:  The pageant is put on for a month.  The core cast do the speaking and singing parts for the entire time.  But families come for 2 weeks at a time to perform the group parts and dancing.  Every week a new group comes (20-25 families).  They spend a week learning the dances and movements while watching the group from the week before who came a week before them, actually perform on stage.  Then their second week, they perform while the new families that have just come learn and watch them.  This entails directors and choreographers teaching the same dances and movements to a new group every week.  This means we rip out hems and wash costumes and remark hems and re sew hems on skirts and pants every week.  This means the logistics of housing and feeding families is huge.  BUT this means 125+ families get to participate and have their testimonies strengthened and renewed.  This means hundreds of individual lives are touched.

Another example:  There are two fabric temples used for the pageant.  One for rehearsals and one for the performance.  They are huge panels that are tall and hoisted up the tower every other night (they are used for the Nauvoo pageant, not the British pageant).  80 women in Utah sewed on them for 6 weeks several years ago.  They have cross stitching on them, soft sculpture, ribbons, applique, etc. Hundreds of hours were spent on the temple panels.  And they are used on stage for only 10 minutes during the pageant! 

I couldn't comprehend why all that work was done for a mere 10 minutes of show time.  But a new roommate came last night who helped sew on the temple panels.  In fact, it was her sister who was asked to make the panels.  She said women came every chance they could to work on them and she said what a privilege it was and how much they enjoyed doing it.  And when I said, "yes, but for only 10 minutes?"  She replied, "but they've been used for 15 years already and 10 minutes times 3 nights a week for 15 years is a lot of use!"

So I've been pondering:  what do I do, or could be doing for 10 minutes a day, that when added up, will effect my life dramatically?

What do I do, or could be doing for 10 minutes a day with my children, that when added up, will effect their lives dramatically?

Thanks for reading,

 Cathy

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Parenting Tip - Is Your Child an Upholder, Obliger, Questioner or Rebel (read as Strong-willed)?

I really like many of the books Gretchen Rubin has written, but I’m obsessed with her newest book, The Four Tendencies.

This is what she says about it on her website:

During my multibook investigation into human nature, I realized that by asking the suspiciously simple question “How do I respond to expectations?” we gain explosive self-knowledge.

I discovered that people fit into Four Tendencies: Upholders, Questioners, Obligers, and Rebels. Our Tendency shapes every aspect of our behavior, so understanding this framework lets us make better decisions, meet deadlines, suffer less stress and burnout, and engage more effectively. The Four Tendencies explain why we act and why we don’t act.

I am an Obliger (you can take a quick quiz here to find out what tendency you are ).  Knowing this has made my life easier.  I understand why I do some of the things I do and know how to deal with other aspects of my life, like accomplishing goals or saying no to people.  I think it is important to understand our family members and realize their tendencies—especially our spouses and children.  It can make family life so much more enjoyable when we understand why people act and respond the way they do.  Then we can change the way we approach our spouse or child so we can have win-win experiences and less conflicts.

Here are the Tendencies in a nutshell:

The Upholder Tendency

Upholders are those people who readily respond to outer and inner expectations alike.   They meet work or school deadlines as well as keep goals they set for themselves.

Strengths:  Upholders can set goals and ideals for themselves and stick to it.  They follow rules. They also fulfill expectations that others have for them.  They love schedules and routines.  They like to know what is expected of them and don’t like to make mistakes.

Weaknesses:  Upholders don’t like to have their schedules changed.  They are uncomfortable if they can’t follow the rules or expectations teachers or others have put on them.  They want to follow them whether they are sensible or not. They don’t like change and can be inflexible and rigid.

Dealing with an Upholder Child

Parents may enjoy having children who are Upholders because they don’t have to nag them about doing homework or practicing the piano. They plan ahead and have their softball equipment ready and like to arrive at school on time or even early.

The Upholder child doesn’t like to change his schedule.  If he needs to read 30 minutes a day for school he has a hard time letting that go if a busy day prohibits it. He has a hard time letting a task go not quite completed such as a book report project he feels he needs more time on.

Be careful about unintentionally adding an expectation or suggesting unnecessary rules.  An upholder child will exert a lot of energy toward trying to meet it.  The author states that an offhand remark like, “you should enter the spelling bee” might set off an unintended stressful chain reaction.

In dealing with an Upholder child, address his tendency value: “You like to do things that are expected of you”, “you like to be on time”, or “you like to finish your projects”.  But then address the issue in a logical way such as, “your teacher will understand that you can only read 15 minutes on some days”, or “it’s more important to go the speed limit and be safe than to be extra early to school”.

The Questioner Tendency

We all have inner expectations—things we want to do, and outer expectations—what others want us to do.  Questioners only do things that are inner expectations and only those outer expectations that they have turned into inner expectations.  Questioners want information, logic and efficiency.  They want to gather the facts and decide for themselves if something is legitimate to do, the best thing to buy, or the right thing to follow. They like logical conclusions and will research options until they are convinced.

Strengths:  Once Questioners are resolved to do something, they follow through and are reliable. They don’t just accept the traditional way to do things, so may come up with new solutions to problems or situations.

Weaknesses:  When Questioners don’t accept the justification for an expectation, they refuse to meet it.  Rules may seem arbitrary or make no sense.  When wanting to purchase an item, they may research and question so much, they can’t come to a conclusion and make a decision.

Dealing with a Questioner Child

A child who is a questioner does not accept phrases like, “because I said so”, or that’s the rule”. Questioners want to understand the “why” of doing something, and once they do, they are more willing to comply.  Why is piano practicing important?  Why should I learn the multiplication tables? Why does my school require uniforms?

Parents or teachers who are dealing with a child’s refusal to do something should find out why the child is refusing, then help the child understand the reasons behind the issue.  Help him find the justification for doing what he doesn’t want to do.  Why do I have to sit in my car seat?   Because it’s the law and you don’t want Mommy to have to pay a fine.  Why do I have to eat my vegetables?  Because they will make you healthy and strong so you can hit a home run some day.

The Obliger Tendency

Throughout a day, week and month, people are always asking us to do things.  The Obliger can accomplish things someone else asks her to do, but has a hard time meeting expectations that only she puts on herself.  For example, when you were in school, you could meet your English deadlines, but now you have a hard time consistently writing in your journal.

Obligers needs accountability.  Someone who is expecting them to bring them the results they’ve asked for.  If you are on a team and training for a game, you don’t want to let your teammates down, so you run every morning.  But after the season is over, you can’t get yourself to run anymore.  The accountability has disappeared.

Strengths:  Obligers get things done!  They volunteer, help out, and meet deadlines.  They make great leaders, team members, friends and family members.

Weaknesses:  Obligers have a hard time meeting their own needs and desires.  They need to feel accountable to someone in order to meet the goals they’ve set for themselves.  This is my tendency.  I used to always announce to my children that I would give them $10 if they saw me eat any more cookies the rest of the day.  Then it was easy for me to not eat any more.

If Obligers get overwhelmed by constant demands they are trying to meet of others, they can have a meltdown—which is usually not pretty.  They go into Obliger-Rebellion and resist doing anything.   Family members need to be aware of Obligers in their home, and help them not get overwhelmed, by helping them say “no” when necessary.  They can also provide accountability to help them reach their goals.

Dealing with an Obliger Child

I was delighted to read the author’s example when dealing with an Obliger child (which she says is sometimes hard to pick out).  She gave the example of piano practicing and said there needs to be accountability like having a practice chart, a parent’s gentle reminder or a teacher who says, “I can tell if you’ve been practicing or not.”

Help your Obliger child create accountability by enrolling him in classes, making job charts, having family rules, etc.  But be aware so your child does not begin feeling overwhelmed by meeting everyone’s needs but his own.

The Rebel Tendency

Rebels don’t want anyone telling them what to do, including themselves! They resist all efforts when someone asks them to do something and have a hard time getting themselves to do something they want to do.  For Rebels, being able to choose and have freedom of self-expression is vitally important. They respond better to people asking their opinion rather than being told to do something.

Strengths:  They don’t cave into peer pressure.  They enjoy meeting challenges especially when someone says it will be too hard to do. Rebels do things their way and want their lives to exhibit their values.

Weaknesses:  Rebels don’t like to be told to do something and resist commands and control over themselves.  They want to do things in their own way and in their own time.  They have a hard time sticking to a schedule.

Dealing with a Rebel Child (my daughter prefers to call them Strong-willed children and I agree)

Strong-willed children are hard to deal with. They want to make their own choices.  The best way to handle them is to give them information, tell them what the consequences are, and let them make their choice. And don’t watch them—then they think there is an expectation and will rebel and not choose.

Strong-willed children need to feel the consequence of their choices, be it good or bad. Strong-willed  children are motivated by identity.  Explain the situation:  “When you’re always late and delay our leaving, I feel like I can’t trust you.  Do you want to be trustworthy or not--your choice."  Make things fun for the strong-willed child.  Make up games when you’re brushing your child’s teeth or sing silly songs.  Strong-willed children like challenges: “Bet you can’t get dressed before Daddy does”.  Let them choose: “You can eat a snack, do your homework now, and then play before dinner or you can eat a snack and play first.  But if you don’t finish your homework before dinner, you will have to finish it after dinner and not have time for me to play a game with you before bedtime.  It’s your choice.” Then allow them time and space to make their choice.

In reviewing how to deal with children in these four tendencies, it seems to me that parents should use lots of common sense.  It shouldn’t be a nerve wrecking decision trying to decide what is the correct thing to say to your obliger child compared to what to say to your strong -willed child.  Good parenting  techniques cover all types and personalities of children.  In summary, here are some basic, sound ideas that work well in dealing with any and all types of children:

1.       Explain the situation to your child when a conflict arises.  Appeal to his sense of value.

2.       Listen to your child to understand what his needs are that are not being met.

3.       Explain the “why” behind rules and “why” you are asking for a certain behavior from your child.

4.       Make charts and give positive reinforcement to help establish new habits and outcomes.

5.       Give information, consequences and choice to your child.

6.       Let your child suffer the consequences of his choice and actions.

7.       Have fun with your child, make up games and challenges to spice up daily routines.

I hope this information has been helpful.  Now apply it to your spouse!

Thanks for reading,

Cathy

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Parenting Tip - Parenting Teenagers

 You may have already seen or heard about Josh Shipp.  I just listened to one of his videos that was posted on Facebook--the place I see all the upcoming news and info.  I liked what I heard. He is being called the "teen whisperer".   He speaks common sense and comes from a background of being a troubled youth himself.

As my husband and I parented our children through their teen years, I always remembered what my mother said when she had 4 teenagers growing up in our home at the same time-- myself, my sister and two brothers.  She said,  "I loved having you all as teenagers.  You were the best kids, and it was so fun to be around you." 

Now that's NOT what the majority of parents would say.  And I don't think my siblings and I were perfect or abnormal.  But my parents had taught us to be respectful, honest, have faith in God and know that we were children of God and that He had a plan for our lives.  We did experience ups and downs and normal teenage disagreements with our parents, but we respected each other, listened to advice from our parents and more importantly, they listened to us.  We cooperated together, we supported each other and we loved each other and had fun together.

When I had my teenagers, I experienced the same thing.  They were good kids.  They were funny, respectful, hardworking, compassionate, and good students.  They knew God loved them and had a purpose for their lives.  We were blessed with children that would listen to us and honor our decisions. 

We were firm and a lot more strict than other parents.  I know, because they told me--often.  But all seven children have also told me later as adults, that they were glad we were so strict.  They were glad they had boundaries and limitations.

Teenagers have a lot of peer pressure to deal with.  But so do YOU as parents.  Don't cave into your peer pressure, Moms and Dads.  Don't go with the flow and let your children go and do what others are doing, just because it is easier and your adult friends are letting their children do things you feel uncomfortable with.  Have rules in your home.  Let your family set those rules and help everyone to understand why the rule is as it is.

If your teen is having mental health problems, medical problems or acting different, get help--don't let it slide until the problem is worse.

But most importantly, ENJOY your teenagers! 

Parenting Tip - Focus on the Positive!

A friend talked to me about one of her daughters.  She was worried about this child, who seemed to get mad, stay mad, refuse to talk about her feelings or problems and said negative things to her brother and sister. As my friend worried about the situation, she became more and more fearful and envisioned this daughter as a teenager experiencing a multitude of anger issues and acting out behavior.  This mom was scared and didn't know what to do.

Then a couple of days later, my friend related how she had suddenly "come to her senses."  She thought about her daughter and all the great characteristics and talents she had.  She remembered how her daughter loved to be active and liked to play outside or go on walks.  She remembered how her daughter was constantly playing the piano and enjoyed playing church songs.  She remembered how funny her daughter was and how thoughtful she was.  She remembered that her daughter had come home from school one day saying she needed to choose a new friend because her present friend was mean and said bad things to other kids.

This mom had been distracted by her daughter's immaturity on one level and had forgotten all about  the other wonderful traits she had.  As she focused on the negative aspects of her daughter's personality, the negative was all she could see.  But as soon as she started to focus on the positive characteristics of her daughter, my friend said she felt relieved, light hearted and saw many, many good qualities in her daughter.

She started inviting her daughter to run with her, since she had keyed into the fact that her daughter needed and liked physical exercise.  She started complimenting her daughter on her piano playing, and started giving her hugs and more positive attention.  And this daughter flourished--because her  mom focused on the positive instead of the negative.

Thanks for reading,
Cathy
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Music Tip - Smart Phones and Piano

Here's a clever idea to motivate your children to practice.

I received a musical text of my granddaughter playing The Entertainer on the piano.  It was really well done.  I texted her back, of course, and told her what a great job she had done.  I found out she had learned the piece in two hours!  That was a lot of concentrated practicing she did. 

How about using this idea to encourage your child to practice--then record him/her and send it to grandma, or cousins or Dad at work.  It would be fun to record the way he played it on the first day, then record it again after it is polished and compare the results.  A great object lesson on the value of perseverance, working consistently, breaking down a hard thing, etc. 

My, what a wonderful mother you are to teach your child such values!

 

Thanks for reading, 

Cathy

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Parenting Tip - Intentionally Teaching your Children

My daughter-in-law, Katie, was on Studio 5 TV in Utah offering some parenting advice.



It was on a theme that is dear to my heart:  intentionally teaching values to your children.  You are your child's parent/teacher/mentor.  Your child is learning every day--learning from your actions, from what you do and say and also from what you don't do or say. 

You can facilitate this learning by naming it.  
"You are learning how to be responsible when I give you chores to do."  

"You are learning how to be accountable and dependable when you get consequences for choosing not to do your chores."

"You are learning how to be a good sport when we play games together and you don't always win."

"You are learning how to be brave and have courage when you go to swimming lessons even though you're afraid."

And to you parents, I say:
"You are learning how to be effective parents when you try and implement new ideas for your family!"

Way to go parents--YOU make a difference.  
You are important to your child!

Thanks for reading,
Cathy


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Parenting Tip #73 Values Journal

I stood outside on the school playground crying, desperately wishing I was home with my mother. I was a new kindergartener and very shy. As I cried, a boy came up to me—his name was Larry—and he held out a tiny, miniature green hairbrush. “Here,” he said, “you can have this if you stop crying.”
I took the small hairbrush, intrigued because it was so small and cute, and I stopped crying. I fell in love with Larry and liked him all the rest of my elementary school days.

Larry taught me about compassion—feeling another’s pain and doing something about it.

I remember this first experience that taught me about compassion. But I don’t remember my first experience learning about honesty, or patience or forgiveness. I wish I did. But I didn’t write them down.

Wouldn’t it be invaluable to have your children record their own experiences as they learn about these values and others?

My daughter-in-law, Katie, has a business called Meaningful Moments where she helps adults/children record and publish their own experiences so they can “pass on the values they’ve lived by and the lessons they’ve learned”.http://www.mymeaningfulmoments.com/ What a great legacy to leave to your posterity.

Once a month, perhaps on a Sunday, take time to have your children think of an experience they have had that helped them learn a lesson. If they are a preschooler they can draw a picture of it with you writing down in their words what happened. For older students, they can write/draw the experience and value they learned.

Buy or make a cute notebook just for these journal entries. Use gel pens, stickers or colored pencils to make the writing more fun. You’ll be accomplishing more than just preserving a history. You’ll be validating what your child has learned, you’ll be allowing your child to create and develop writing skills, and helping him think sequentially (Caution: Let this be a free, fun activity, not a school report that you are grading. Encourage your children to spell and write it in any way they want. This is their voice!).

What a great gift to give your children-the gift of remembering their childhood. And maybe, it will help you remember yours. So sit down next to your children, open up your values journal, and begin writing.

PS Here's a link to how to make THE CUTEST journals! My daughter made them for the cousins (in picture) for a Christmas gift. http://cuegly.blogspot.com/2009/09/purse-notebooks-tutorial.html

Parenting Tip #71 Cementing Family Values

When I go for walks in the morning, I pass several houses which have gravel yards. Almost all of them have weeds poking up through the rock. I always think to myself, “you better get out your grass/weed spray and spray before they get out of hand.”

One morning as I walked passed a gravel yard, I noticed that in front by the fence they had dug out a square area and had poured cement into it. I thought, “wow, they are serious about not wanting weeds in that area. They’ll never have to worry about that spot again.” Then as I continued walking pass the house each morning, I saw more areas cleared away and more cement poured until they had the whole front section full of concrete. It looked nice and there was no chance of grass and weeds overrunning it.




Now since my mind seems to always want to find a correlation in life or to make a parable out of a situation, I immediately thought, “how can I use that in my blog? How does that apply to parenting or raising children?”

I’ve had fun pondering it and here are some ideas I’ve come up with.

If you are raising children, you need to be serious about your responsibility in teaching and nurturing them. You need to ponder and consider how you can solidify your family’s love and cement in moral values. You need to find concrete things to do that will foster family love and weed out those materialistic things that continually pop up.

Instead of being passive, my neighbors were active in ridding their yard of weeds. They dug a foundation and then poured in a strong substance that weeds could not penetrate.

What is your family’s foundation built upon? Does it have a strong spiritual base? What are you pouring into your family that is solid? Do you accept your children’s individual uniqueness and weed out the tendency to compare them? Are you open minded and see the positive things about your children instead of labeling them as lazy or sloppy?

Are you cementing in family love by trying to be understanding and having fun traditions and saying, “I’m sorry”? Are you tucking them into bed at night and saying “I love you” (even though you’re thinking what a ---- they’ve been all day)? Are you teaching concrete moral values like being kind to others, sharing, and praying for each other?

I think you are most likely doing GREAT! Keep taking one day at a time, one child at a time. Enjoy the strong family you are creating.

Now help me think of more connections. What are your ideas?