Parenting Tip - Be Inconsistently Consistent

I've noticed two main attitudes that develop in families when things get hard.  Either they quit doing the hard thing completely and let it drop, or they make adjustments, streamline the "hard thing" for awhile and then get back to doing it again.

I've seen this happen over and over again as I have taught piano lessons.  The family begins lessons with enthusiasm and commitment and practicing begins in earnest.  Then after a few months, LIFE happens.  Soccer games, illness, busyness in school and Church, financial problems--you name it, suddenly it becomes too hard to fit practice time in and lessons drop.

I've experienced this over and over again with family/personal scripture reading, Family Home Evening, and family prayers.  You have them consistently but then LIFE happens.  It becomes too hard to schedule them in because of late night games or teenagers are at work or your kids have too much homework, or Dad is out of town. And the scripture reading, FHE and prayers drop.

Life is full of HARD things.  But it is in doing those hard things, that real growth and benefit is acquired. So I propose:

                                                   BE INCONSISTENTLY CONSISTENT!

I've seen it with my piano families.  Those who keep on taking lessons and practice when they can, actually do make progress.  Example:  I teach twins in a family who is very busy raising pigs and goats and showing them at county fairs around the state.  When county fair time arrives, they have to miss a lesson here and there and they are so busy with travel, that practice time becomes 10 minutes instead of 30.  But they don't quit, they make adjustments and simplify, then get back to normal practice when the fairs are over.

Another example is my son's family.  My daughter-in-law has taught piano to some of the children, exchanged giving lessons with another mom and has even quit for awhile.  But when I visited them last week, I was amazed to hear my granddaughter and grandson playing popular music that was quite advanced.  In fact, my grandson is accompanying his school class at their Spring Concert.  By being inconsistently consistent with piano practice, these two grandchildren are enjoying piano and progressing at it.

What about scripture reading, prayers and FHE.  Each time we read and pray it becomes a thread we weave into our family's tapestry of spirituality. Some days,weeks,months we may be consistently weaving while at other times, the progress is slower.  But as we continue to try to be consistent, our pattern takes form and our tapestry grows in beauty and strength.

Teach your children to do hard things.  If you have to make a new chore chart, do it.  Give a pep talk, give it. Be a "mean" parent. Be it.

Teach yourself to do hard things.  If you have quit exercising and eating healthy, begin again.  My daughter has run 13 half marathons and 2 full marathons, but hasn't ran for two months.  Will she begin again?  Of course.  Life happened and she had to take some time off, but she is still a runner and will continue running in the near future.

Hard things are hard.  But they can be tackled, achieved, and overcome as we continue working on them.  We are not perfect and not expected to become perfect in this life.  But we can learn, acquire skills and progress as we step forward, fall back, then step forward again.  As we consistently keep trying amidst all our inconsistency, we are doing what we should be doing.


Good luck to all of us!

Thanks for reading,

Cathy

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Parenting Tip - The Hands-On Approach

My husband's birthday was a couple of days ago.  He has been gone almost 4 years now, but his legacy still lives on.  One of my sons asked his daughter, who just turned 10 years old, what were some of the best things she remembered from her "decade" of living.  She immediately replied, "Going fishing with grandpa!" 

You never know what impact you make on others until later.  When I look at how my sons parent, I think of their Dad.  He taught them well.

My husband taught through a "hands-on" approach. If the oil needed changed in the cars, my husband had our boys help him.  Later they did it themselves.  If there was a plumbing problem, my husband enlisted the help of one of our sons.  They learned by doing, not just watching.  I wasn't aware of how powerful that teaching was until my husband passed away.  Then as we talked as a family, each of my sons reminisced and told stories of helping Dad fix this or that and how much they had learned from him.

All my sons are married and have children of their own.  They all live in different states from me except for one.  Jacob lives close by and it is so rewarding to watch him parent his own 3 sons.  He, too, is a hands-on Dad.  He takes them to Home Depot with him, not only for the classes, but when he goes there to buy things.   He found out about a new place downtown where you can use lathes, lasers, and other types of machinery to make your own projects for free.  That would sound like a scary, over the top kind of place to take your young children, but not for Jacob.  He took two of his boys and they loved using the tools and making things.

 A couple of weeks ago, my grandsons were so excited to tell me about the garden their Dad was making.  It turns out that my son cut up an old wooden table that my father-in-law had made years ago and built a raised garden bed out of it.  I'm sure my husband and father-in-law were beaming to know that their son/grandson had used something of theirs and had the know-how to make it into something else useful. 

One of the most important things my husband taught with his hands-on approach to learning was how to pray to the Lord and ask for blessings and thank Him for blessings given.  Last year my son invited me to go with him and his two sons to an airshow.  On the way there, we were involved in an accident on the freeway.  My two grandsons immediately began to cry, and Jacob jumped out of the car to open their door to see if they were hurt.  They weren't, so Jacob said, "Let's say a prayer to Heavenly Father telling him thank you for blessing us that we are okay."  What a thrill that was to my heart to see that immediate reaction come from my son.

We learn by seeing, by watching, but most importantly, by doing.  Be a hands-on parent.  Give the wonderful gift of independence to your children by having them work with you, clean with you, cook with you, play with you and---pray with you.

Music Tip - Smart Phones and Piano

Here's a clever idea to motivate your children to practice.

I received a musical text of my granddaughter playing The Entertainer on the piano.  It was really well done.  I texted her back, of course, and told her what a great job she had done.  I found out she had learned the piece in two hours!  That was a lot of concentrated practicing she did. 

How about using this idea to encourage your child to practice--then record him/her and send it to grandma, or cousins or Dad at work.  It would be fun to record the way he played it on the first day, then record it again after it is polished and compare the results.  A great object lesson on the value of perseverance, working consistently, breaking down a hard thing, etc. 

My, what a wonderful mother you are to teach your child such values!

 

Thanks for reading, 

Cathy

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Parenting Tip - Easy List vs Hard List

My daughter emailed me this and said I could post it on my blog:

"Lately it seems like everything I do is from the easy list. It's no wonder I feel like a flabby, grouchy, time waster. 

Before we came to earth I'm sure we were looking down at all the types of people and things we could do and promised ourselves we would not be wasters doing things on the easy list.  

It's obvious that the things that are worth anything are all on the hard list. After earth life is over, I want to be made up of the things on the hard list.  So why is it still hard?

Oh well, I guess I should stop philosophizing and get up and do something. I'm probably just feeling guilty that it's only 10am and I've already eaten not one but four of the kids' lunch treats... And as I know eating, making lists, and feeling guilty are all on the easy list!"

 

Isn't that so true?  All the easy things are not the BEST things.  It's that good, better, best idea, though there wasn't anything"good" on my daughter's easy list.  Ok, so if we think of the things we do every day as being on the "easy" list or the "hard" list, will that motivate us?  

My motivation comes from seeing the whole picture, and actually the end of the picture.  What is my goal?  To live together forever as a happy family.  Now what are the steps to reach that goal?  Well, nothing on the easy list, that's for sure!  

What motivates you to do things from your hard list?

Thanks for reading,

Cathy

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Parenting Tip - No Spoonfeeding Allowed

When I teach piano lessons, the mother is always there listening and writing down what and how the child is to practice at home.   I teach young children so the mother is an integral part of the teaching and learning process.  She IS the teacher in the home setting.

But sometimes I'll notice that a student is having a hard time learning a new piece.  I sense that the child is waiting for me to tell him every note he is to play and is not internalizing the sequence on his own.  When I question how the practice session goes at home, I soon discover that the mother is telling the child every single note to play and so the child just sits, waiting to be spoon-fed and takes no responsibility to learn the notes himself.  When I help the mother realize what is happening, she changes her technique at home and the child quickly learns to play the song.

When a child internalizes the learning, whether it be piano or math,  the knowledge becomes his own and he can apply it and gradually learn more.

Do we spoon feed our children in every day life?  Are we constantly nagging them to get their homework done, do their chores, clean up their room, or quit fighting with their siblings?  How can we get them to "own" their responsibilities and internalize the learning so they can do what they are suppose to do?

Our words are our best help, I think.  Instead of constantly saying, "have you finished your homework yet?" perhaps we could talk with them beforehand about how much homework they have, how long they think it will take them to do it, and when and where is the best time for them to work on it.  Help them verbalize the steps needed to accomplish getting their work done, then provide them with the time and environment they need to do it and let them do it.  Check in on them periodically but let them tell you what their progress is and what they still need to do . 

Easy to say, but harder to do, I know, and not an overnight success rate! This takes consistent practicing on both you and your child's part.

Cleaning a bedroom can be an overwhelming project.  But I'm just learning the value of categorizing things, myself, and think it's a super way to break down a big project into small steps.  Help your child categorize what is in her room that needs to be done--like clothes picked up, toys put in bins, and bed made.  Let your child decide on the order of how she will get things done, and maybe even how long she thinks it will take her. Then let her do it, encouraging her or even helping her (depending on the age).

Giving your children the gift to learn things, internalize that learning and become responsible for their actions is a great thing for you to do, moms.  Also a HARD thing because it takes time and practice and sometimes doesn't work out too well.  But using natural consequences ("sorry--no board game tonight, your homework took too long") and lots of positive coaching ("wow, look at you sitting there doing your  math problems"), your children will soon be on their way.

Thanks for reading,
 Cathy



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Parenting Tip- Families Work Together for the Good of the Family

I heard a great idea I wanted to pass on.  It helps your children understand the election process and the duties of President, Vice President and so forth.  Even though the elections are over (thank goodness--no more junk mail and phone calls) this is still an important concept to teach that is timeless.

This family had an election among the children for who was to be the president and vice president in the family.  The president and vice were able to make propositions, such as extending the bedtime or allowing cookies at dinner, but they could also be impeached--by the parents.

There are  many ways you could use this idea to suit your own family's needs.  Perhaps the parents could be the president and vice president, with children being senators and legislators.  Laws and propositions could be proposed, voted on, passed or even vetoed.

Another family who use to have a "working mom", that is a mom who worked outside the home, used the union and boss idea to teach their children leadership skills and work ethics.

At this time of year, perhaps you could have your family become Santa's workshop and the children could be the elves.  They would make gifts for siblings and parents and ensure that fun and good things to eat were ever prevalent. 

One family had elves keep track of whether their children were naughty or nice with the elf leaving  a piece of candy or a piece of coal each night in the children's shoes.  A recent book entitled, The Elf on the Shelf has a similar idea of an elf "spying" on children.  This may or may not appeal to you. It might depend on your children and if you feel they need extra encouragement to be good or not. 

I prefer having children focus on what THEY can do to help and encourage their siblings.  Maybe they can be elves who leave notes when they see their siblings helping each other out or being obedient to parents.

All the ideas above relate to the fact that families work together for the good of the family.  Keep that idea in mind as you go throughout the holidays.  As a family, you can help neighbors, grandparents, those in need, those who are less fortunate,  and even your own family members. 

That's what families do!

Thanks for reading,

Cathy


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Parenting Tip - Intentionally Teaching your Children

My daughter-in-law, Katie, was on Studio 5 TV in Utah offering some parenting advice.



It was on a theme that is dear to my heart:  intentionally teaching values to your children.  You are your child's parent/teacher/mentor.  Your child is learning every day--learning from your actions, from what you do and say and also from what you don't do or say. 

You can facilitate this learning by naming it.  
"You are learning how to be responsible when I give you chores to do."  

"You are learning how to be accountable and dependable when you get consequences for choosing not to do your chores."

"You are learning how to be a good sport when we play games together and you don't always win."

"You are learning how to be brave and have courage when you go to swimming lessons even though you're afraid."

And to you parents, I say:
"You are learning how to be effective parents when you try and implement new ideas for your family!"

Way to go parents--YOU make a difference.  
You are important to your child!

Thanks for reading,
Cathy


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Music Tip - Dancing + Working = Smart Mom

Here is another water tip.  Have your children mop the floor for you.  One of my friends even made "mop footsies" for her kids.  They dance and run around and have fun while mopping.  That's what I call dovetailing.  That's what I call a Smart Mom!

For the footsies, she just took wash cloths and quickly sewed elastic around the edges. 

Turn on your favorite music and get dancing! I mean, mopping!  No, I mean dancing!


Thanks for reading,

Cathy

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Parenting Tip #81 The Value of WORK!

I’m really a lazy person—as far as working goes—in the house—cleaning.  My house doesn’t get that dirty anymore with no children around, only a husband and a mother-in-law.  So I can get by with cleaning a couple of hours on Saturday and tidying up throughout the week.  But am I grateful?  Am I happy?  No!  Every Saturday while I’m cleaning I’m thinking about how horrible it is and how much I would rather be doing something else.

This last Saturday I had to laugh at myself, listening to me grumble. “For pete’s sake”, I thought, “you only have to clean a few hours each week instead of constantly like in the good old days of 7 messy children living at home. You have it made in the shade!”

Interestingly enough, that night my daughter called to talk about the lesson she had to teach in Sunday School the next day. Guess what the topic was about? WORK! It was a good lesson for me to discuss with her. The Lord has commanded us to work and to teach our children to work. Why? Because it is an eternal principle. God worked 6 days and rested on the 7th. Idleness is not Godliness.
We are to teach our children to work.

I used to think my husband was lazy because he made our boys do everything. They had to help him fix this and do that. Now years later each of our boys have thanked their Dad for teaching them how to work. They are grateful they know how to do plumbing and car repairs and home maintenance.


I apologized to my daughter for not teaching her to be cheerful while working. I said I was always mad when the house was a mess and mad while trying to get everyone to start cleaning. She replied, “No sir. You always had music playing and you hid candy under the things we needed to pick up. We had fun!”

Oh. I guess I did do that sometimes.
And maybe I did a better job hiding my anger than I thought I did.

So I’m turning over a new leaf. I won’t be mad because I have to work. I’ll be grateful I can keep the commandment to work. And instead of hiding candy for me to find (though yes, I do eat chocolate before I clean the bathroom), I’ll listen to a podcast and take my mind off my drudgery.

“Hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to work we go….”

Parenting Tip #74 Teaching Children to Work

Today is Mother’s Day. I’ve learned so many things from my mother about how to be a good mother. Here are just a few things I’ve learned about teaching children how to work:
1.Make work fun. When we had to clean the house, we would play army--with my mother being “The General”. She would give us a small job to do, we would salute and say, “yes Ma’am!”, then run off to do the job. When it was finished we would return to The General, salute and get a new job.

I tried making work fun for my children by hiding M&M’s under clothing and toys strewn all over the floor. The clean up would look daunting, but when you found candy while cleaning, it was much more fun!

2.Teach your children how to work. My sister and I were not washing the dishes up to my mother’s standards. So I vividly remember one night watching her as SHE washed the dishes while instructing us on how to do it correctly. “Wipe the counter after the dishes are washed,” she told us as she carefully wiped it. “Pick up the salt and pepper shakers on the stove and wipe under them,” she demonstrated.

I tried this technique with my children by writing step by step instructions on “how to clean the bathroom”. I demonstrated it for them, too. I wonder if they remember that day?

3.You get what you earned. One Saturday, as young children, we had to help rake up the leaves in the back yard. My brother kept messing around and not helping. After the job was done, my mother all gave us a glass of punch. Except my brother—he only got half a glass. He cried but was told that was all he had earned. It was a lesson for all of us.

4.Sometimes it’s okay to quit or Evaluate the situation. I had the most boring job in the world one summer when I worked at ASU. I called my mother during lunch one day because I just couldn’t take it anymore. She asked me some probing questions then said, “Well it doesn’t sound like the money you are making from this job is really worth what you have to go through. So quit.” What??!! I could actually quit? Other times in my life she had told me to “hang in there”. Lesson learned: every situation is different.

Thanks, Mom, for teaching me how to work--and all the other things you taught me. I love you!