Parenting Tip - Be Inconsistently Consistent

I've noticed two main attitudes that develop in families when things get hard.  Either they quit doing the hard thing completely and let it drop, or they make adjustments, streamline the "hard thing" for awhile and then get back to doing it again.

I've seen this happen over and over again as I have taught piano lessons.  The family begins lessons with enthusiasm and commitment and practicing begins in earnest.  Then after a few months, LIFE happens.  Soccer games, illness, busyness in school and Church, financial problems--you name it, suddenly it becomes too hard to fit practice time in and lessons drop.

I've experienced this over and over again with family/personal scripture reading, Family Home Evening, and family prayers.  You have them consistently but then LIFE happens.  It becomes too hard to schedule them in because of late night games or teenagers are at work or your kids have too much homework, or Dad is out of town. And the scripture reading, FHE and prayers drop.

Life is full of HARD things.  But it is in doing those hard things, that real growth and benefit is acquired. So I propose:

                                                   BE INCONSISTENTLY CONSISTENT!

I've seen it with my piano families.  Those who keep on taking lessons and practice when they can, actually do make progress.  Example:  I teach twins in a family who is very busy raising pigs and goats and showing them at county fairs around the state.  When county fair time arrives, they have to miss a lesson here and there and they are so busy with travel, that practice time becomes 10 minutes instead of 30.  But they don't quit, they make adjustments and simplify, then get back to normal practice when the fairs are over.

Another example is my son's family.  My daughter-in-law has taught piano to some of the children, exchanged giving lessons with another mom and has even quit for awhile.  But when I visited them last week, I was amazed to hear my granddaughter and grandson playing popular music that was quite advanced.  In fact, my grandson is accompanying his school class at their Spring Concert.  By being inconsistently consistent with piano practice, these two grandchildren are enjoying piano and progressing at it.

What about scripture reading, prayers and FHE.  Each time we read and pray it becomes a thread we weave into our family's tapestry of spirituality. Some days,weeks,months we may be consistently weaving while at other times, the progress is slower.  But as we continue to try to be consistent, our pattern takes form and our tapestry grows in beauty and strength.

Teach your children to do hard things.  If you have to make a new chore chart, do it.  Give a pep talk, give it. Be a "mean" parent. Be it.

Teach yourself to do hard things.  If you have quit exercising and eating healthy, begin again.  My daughter has run 13 half marathons and 2 full marathons, but hasn't ran for two months.  Will she begin again?  Of course.  Life happened and she had to take some time off, but she is still a runner and will continue running in the near future.

Hard things are hard.  But they can be tackled, achieved, and overcome as we continue working on them.  We are not perfect and not expected to become perfect in this life.  But we can learn, acquire skills and progress as we step forward, fall back, then step forward again.  As we consistently keep trying amidst all our inconsistency, we are doing what we should be doing.


Good luck to all of us!

Thanks for reading,

Cathy

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Parenting Tip -The silent tragedy affecting today’s children

I wholeheartedly agree with this post.  It is written by an occupational therapist, Victoria Prooday on yourot.com

There is a silent tragedy developing right now, in our homes, and it concerns our most precious jewels - our children. Through my work with hundreds of children and families as an occupational therapist, I have witnessed this tragedy unfolding right in front of my eyes. Our children are in a devastating emotional state! Talk to teachers and professionals who have been working in the field for the last 15 years. You will hear concerns similar to mine. Moreover, in the past 15 years, researchers have been releasing alarming statistics on a sharp and steady increase in kids’ mental illness, which is now reaching epidemic proportions:

•  1 in 5 children has mental health problems
•  43% increase in ADHD
• 37% increase in teen depression
• 200% increase in suicide rate in kids 10-14 years old

How much more evidence do we need before we wake up?

No, “increased diagnostics alone” is not the answer!

No, “they all are just born like this” is not the answer!

No, “it is all the school system’s fault” is not the answer!

Yes, as painful as it can be to admit, in many cases, WE, parents, are the answer to many of our kids’ struggles!

 It is scientifically proven that the brain has the capacity to rewire itself through the environment. Unfortunately, with the environment and parenting styles that we are providing to our children, we are rewiring their brains in a wrong direction and contributing to their challenges in everyday life.

Yes, there are and always have been children who are born with disabilities and despite their parents’ best efforts to provide them with a well-balanced environment and parenting, their children continue to struggle. These are NOT the children I am talking about here. 

I am talking about many others whose challenges are greatly shaped by the environmental factors that parents, with their greatest intentions, provide to their children. As I have seen in my practice, the moment parents change their perspective on parenting, these children change.   

What is wrong?

Today’s children are being deprived of the fundamentals of a healthy childhood, such as:

• Emotionally available parents
• Clearly defined limits and guidance
• Responsibilities
• Balanced nutrition and adequate sleep
• Movement and outdoors
• Creative play, social interaction, opportunities for unstructured times and boredom

Instead, children are being served with:

• Digitally distracted parents
• Indulgent parents who let kids “Rule the world”
• Sense of entitlement rather than responsibility
• Inadequate sleep and unbalanced nutrition
• Sedentary indoor lifestyle
• Endless stimulation, technological babysitters, instant gratification, and absence of dull moments

Could anyone imagine that it is possible to raise a healthy generation in such an unhealthy environment? Of course not! There are no shortcuts to parenting, and we can’t trick human nature. As we see, the outcomes are devastating. Our children pay for the loss of well-balanced childhood with their emotional well-being.

How to fix it?

If we want our children to grow into happy and healthy individuals, we have to wake up and go back to the basics. It is still possible! I know this because hundreds of my clients see positive changes in their kids’ emotional state within weeks (and in some cases, even days) of implementing these recommendations:

 Please read the rest of the post here:https://yourot.com/parenting-club/2017/5/24/what-are-we-doing-to-our-children

Parenting Tip - Is Your Child an Upholder, Obliger, Questioner or Rebel (read as Strong-willed)?

I really like many of the books Gretchen Rubin has written, but I’m obsessed with her newest book, The Four Tendencies.

This is what she says about it on her website:

During my multibook investigation into human nature, I realized that by asking the suspiciously simple question “How do I respond to expectations?” we gain explosive self-knowledge.

I discovered that people fit into Four Tendencies: Upholders, Questioners, Obligers, and Rebels. Our Tendency shapes every aspect of our behavior, so understanding this framework lets us make better decisions, meet deadlines, suffer less stress and burnout, and engage more effectively. The Four Tendencies explain why we act and why we don’t act.

I am an Obliger (you can take a quick quiz here to find out what tendency you are ).  Knowing this has made my life easier.  I understand why I do some of the things I do and know how to deal with other aspects of my life, like accomplishing goals or saying no to people.  I think it is important to understand our family members and realize their tendencies—especially our spouses and children.  It can make family life so much more enjoyable when we understand why people act and respond the way they do.  Then we can change the way we approach our spouse or child so we can have win-win experiences and less conflicts.

Here are the Tendencies in a nutshell:

The Upholder Tendency

Upholders are those people who readily respond to outer and inner expectations alike.   They meet work or school deadlines as well as keep goals they set for themselves.

Strengths:  Upholders can set goals and ideals for themselves and stick to it.  They follow rules. They also fulfill expectations that others have for them.  They love schedules and routines.  They like to know what is expected of them and don’t like to make mistakes.

Weaknesses:  Upholders don’t like to have their schedules changed.  They are uncomfortable if they can’t follow the rules or expectations teachers or others have put on them.  They want to follow them whether they are sensible or not. They don’t like change and can be inflexible and rigid.

Dealing with an Upholder Child

Parents may enjoy having children who are Upholders because they don’t have to nag them about doing homework or practicing the piano. They plan ahead and have their softball equipment ready and like to arrive at school on time or even early.

The Upholder child doesn’t like to change his schedule.  If he needs to read 30 minutes a day for school he has a hard time letting that go if a busy day prohibits it. He has a hard time letting a task go not quite completed such as a book report project he feels he needs more time on.

Be careful about unintentionally adding an expectation or suggesting unnecessary rules.  An upholder child will exert a lot of energy toward trying to meet it.  The author states that an offhand remark like, “you should enter the spelling bee” might set off an unintended stressful chain reaction.

In dealing with an Upholder child, address his tendency value: “You like to do things that are expected of you”, “you like to be on time”, or “you like to finish your projects”.  But then address the issue in a logical way such as, “your teacher will understand that you can only read 15 minutes on some days”, or “it’s more important to go the speed limit and be safe than to be extra early to school”.

The Questioner Tendency

We all have inner expectations—things we want to do, and outer expectations—what others want us to do.  Questioners only do things that are inner expectations and only those outer expectations that they have turned into inner expectations.  Questioners want information, logic and efficiency.  They want to gather the facts and decide for themselves if something is legitimate to do, the best thing to buy, or the right thing to follow. They like logical conclusions and will research options until they are convinced.

Strengths:  Once Questioners are resolved to do something, they follow through and are reliable. They don’t just accept the traditional way to do things, so may come up with new solutions to problems or situations.

Weaknesses:  When Questioners don’t accept the justification for an expectation, they refuse to meet it.  Rules may seem arbitrary or make no sense.  When wanting to purchase an item, they may research and question so much, they can’t come to a conclusion and make a decision.

Dealing with a Questioner Child

A child who is a questioner does not accept phrases like, “because I said so”, or that’s the rule”. Questioners want to understand the “why” of doing something, and once they do, they are more willing to comply.  Why is piano practicing important?  Why should I learn the multiplication tables? Why does my school require uniforms?

Parents or teachers who are dealing with a child’s refusal to do something should find out why the child is refusing, then help the child understand the reasons behind the issue.  Help him find the justification for doing what he doesn’t want to do.  Why do I have to sit in my car seat?   Because it’s the law and you don’t want Mommy to have to pay a fine.  Why do I have to eat my vegetables?  Because they will make you healthy and strong so you can hit a home run some day.

The Obliger Tendency

Throughout a day, week and month, people are always asking us to do things.  The Obliger can accomplish things someone else asks her to do, but has a hard time meeting expectations that only she puts on herself.  For example, when you were in school, you could meet your English deadlines, but now you have a hard time consistently writing in your journal.

Obligers needs accountability.  Someone who is expecting them to bring them the results they’ve asked for.  If you are on a team and training for a game, you don’t want to let your teammates down, so you run every morning.  But after the season is over, you can’t get yourself to run anymore.  The accountability has disappeared.

Strengths:  Obligers get things done!  They volunteer, help out, and meet deadlines.  They make great leaders, team members, friends and family members.

Weaknesses:  Obligers have a hard time meeting their own needs and desires.  They need to feel accountable to someone in order to meet the goals they’ve set for themselves.  This is my tendency.  I used to always announce to my children that I would give them $10 if they saw me eat any more cookies the rest of the day.  Then it was easy for me to not eat any more.

If Obligers get overwhelmed by constant demands they are trying to meet of others, they can have a meltdown—which is usually not pretty.  They go into Obliger-Rebellion and resist doing anything.   Family members need to be aware of Obligers in their home, and help them not get overwhelmed, by helping them say “no” when necessary.  They can also provide accountability to help them reach their goals.

Dealing with an Obliger Child

I was delighted to read the author’s example when dealing with an Obliger child (which she says is sometimes hard to pick out).  She gave the example of piano practicing and said there needs to be accountability like having a practice chart, a parent’s gentle reminder or a teacher who says, “I can tell if you’ve been practicing or not.”

Help your Obliger child create accountability by enrolling him in classes, making job charts, having family rules, etc.  But be aware so your child does not begin feeling overwhelmed by meeting everyone’s needs but his own.

The Rebel Tendency

Rebels don’t want anyone telling them what to do, including themselves! They resist all efforts when someone asks them to do something and have a hard time getting themselves to do something they want to do.  For Rebels, being able to choose and have freedom of self-expression is vitally important. They respond better to people asking their opinion rather than being told to do something.

Strengths:  They don’t cave into peer pressure.  They enjoy meeting challenges especially when someone says it will be too hard to do. Rebels do things their way and want their lives to exhibit their values.

Weaknesses:  Rebels don’t like to be told to do something and resist commands and control over themselves.  They want to do things in their own way and in their own time.  They have a hard time sticking to a schedule.

Dealing with a Rebel Child (my daughter prefers to call them Strong-willed children and I agree)

Strong-willed children are hard to deal with. They want to make their own choices.  The best way to handle them is to give them information, tell them what the consequences are, and let them make their choice. And don’t watch them—then they think there is an expectation and will rebel and not choose.

Strong-willed children need to feel the consequence of their choices, be it good or bad. Strong-willed  children are motivated by identity.  Explain the situation:  “When you’re always late and delay our leaving, I feel like I can’t trust you.  Do you want to be trustworthy or not--your choice."  Make things fun for the strong-willed child.  Make up games when you’re brushing your child’s teeth or sing silly songs.  Strong-willed children like challenges: “Bet you can’t get dressed before Daddy does”.  Let them choose: “You can eat a snack, do your homework now, and then play before dinner or you can eat a snack and play first.  But if you don’t finish your homework before dinner, you will have to finish it after dinner and not have time for me to play a game with you before bedtime.  It’s your choice.” Then allow them time and space to make their choice.

In reviewing how to deal with children in these four tendencies, it seems to me that parents should use lots of common sense.  It shouldn’t be a nerve wrecking decision trying to decide what is the correct thing to say to your obliger child compared to what to say to your strong -willed child.  Good parenting  techniques cover all types and personalities of children.  In summary, here are some basic, sound ideas that work well in dealing with any and all types of children:

1.       Explain the situation to your child when a conflict arises.  Appeal to his sense of value.

2.       Listen to your child to understand what his needs are that are not being met.

3.       Explain the “why” behind rules and “why” you are asking for a certain behavior from your child.

4.       Make charts and give positive reinforcement to help establish new habits and outcomes.

5.       Give information, consequences and choice to your child.

6.       Let your child suffer the consequences of his choice and actions.

7.       Have fun with your child, make up games and challenges to spice up daily routines.

I hope this information has been helpful.  Now apply it to your spouse!

Thanks for reading,

Cathy

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Parenting Tip - Be Nice to your Future Self

I'm basically a lazy person.  If a recipe calls for cutting an onion and garlic, I'll either skip that recipe or just use onion and garlic salt instead.  If the weeds are over running my flower bed, I'll try spraying them rather than take the time to pull them out. But sometimes I'll amaze myself by talking myself out of being lazy.  Like if I'm too tired to take a shower at night but have to leave early the next morning, I'll tell myself, "just take a shower, you'll love yourself tomorrow."  And I do.  I thank myself over and over the next morning for taking my shower last night.

A listener on Gretchen Rubin's podcast mentioned "doing something kind for your future self" when she read a blog entry from Wil Wheaton.  This idea of doing something nice for your future self really resonated with me, since that is a tactic I use to get myself to do something hard.  Gretchen's sister mentioned on the podcast that she uses that idea to make herself lift weights, telling herself that when she is 70 years old and not feeble, she will thank herself.

You can use this idea in so many ways---getting yourself to fold and put away the laundry so your future self will enjoy seeing your family function more happily.  Doing the dishes at night so the kitchen is clean in the morning.  Ah, thank you, self!

Gretchen says this is a great strategy for obligers to use to help them do something just for themselves.  Obligers are people  who can meet outer expectations--they can do what others ask them to do, but struggle to meet expectations they impose on themselves.  

Why is it so hard to do something just for yourself?  I think it is because we feel selfish.  We feel like we should be using our time to help our children, or our husband or doing our Church calling or whatever. We are told over and over again to serve others-- that is the key to happiness, but I think we forget that serving ourselves will give us more energy to serve others.

Another reason might be that life goes by so quickly.  We are so busy taking care of life in the present, that we don't have time to worry and take care of life in the future.   The "squeaky wheel gets the grease" and life squeaks really loud in the present.

So how can you and I take this idea and help our future selves?  I can tell my present self, "No, don't buy that cute blouse.  Remember you are saving your money for __________.  You'll thank me in 6 months."

I can tell my present self, "Don't eat that _______.  Go drink a glass of water instead.  You'll love me tomorrow."

I can tell my present self, "Yes, it's okay to stop and play with my kids (grandkids).  I'm bonding and will love myself when they come to me with problems when they're older."

Be nice to your future self--she'll thank you profusely!

Thanks for reading,

Cathy
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Parenting Idea - Forget Perfectionism if you're a Parent

 My extended family has a group email where we share and exchange ideas and thoughts. My daughter recently emailed the following question.  With her permission I'm posting it on my blog with some of the answers she received.  Hopefully this might help you, too.

Hi Family,

I would like to call in for some back-up from all the wise and wonderful parents out there.

Did you/Do you ever feel like no matter how many good and important things you were doing as a parent, there were a couple random things that if you didn't do- you were a failure parent all together?

For example, I know I'm a good mom: my kids brush teeth every night, I make their lunches, I say I love you, we go for walks.  Not to mention the obviously most important things like weekly FHE, daily family prayers, and scripture study.  But for some reason, I also feel like it's all not good enough unless I am 1. teaching my kids piano and 2. reading to them at night; two things that are good, but definitely not going to make or break their salvation.  And two things that I can not for some reason get consistently into our lives!

So I'm just wondering... Are there/were there things like this for you as you raised your kids?  Or am I alone in this ridiculous yet frustrating status. 

Hopeful for some help and humor, 

Faith

Here's my mother's reply:

 Faith, Why are there only two things on your list of things that you are not doing consistently?  You should also be worrying because you aren't teaching your kids Spanish and Chinese, in a world where those languages would certainly be good to learn.  You should also be
worrying because they don't know how to do the grocery shopping yet. Ok.  There is the humor you were looking for.  

 Being frustrated because you are not perfect never ends.  I think because the devil knows he can't get us to take drugs, or have an affair with the mail carrier, he CAN, however, use the perfectionist streak we have to keep us from enjoying the things we can do, and do do.  I think that perfectionism is a test (just like any other test) and realizing it is essential to our sanity.  And it never ends, just like an alcoholic's craving for liquor never ends.  A test is a test because it's HARD, and perfectionism is hard.  Your email came at a good time for me and reminded me that no, I'm not perfect and won't be perfect (I'm really just old) and most of the things I worry about just keep me from enjoying what I can, and am, doing.  I'll bet every mother on Skunkville can identify with your frustrations.  YOU ARE A GOOD MOTHER AND, BY ASKING YOUR QUESTION, HAS HELPED ALL THE REST OF US ON SKUNKVILLE, RECOGNIZE AND LAUGH AT SOME OF THE THINGS FRUSTRATING US. I FEEL MUCH BETTER JUST FROM READING YOUR LETTER AND TYPING THIS REPLY.  I hope it makes you feel better too. 

 My son's reply to my mother's reply (we call her Mormor, that's Swedish for mother's mother)

Mormor,
You answered a question I have had for a long time.  I can only see the trials, temptations, and sins that I am faced with at a given age.  I have a hard time thinking of any sins that I will face when I get older.  I have often thought, "What type of sin is there that prevents older people from being perfect?"  Having seen your laundry list, I have something to look forward to when I get old.

Jacob

 My sister-in-law's reply

 Hi Faith,

     Yes, all us Moms and Dads can relate to how you are feeling.  As you know, Uncle Mark & I have raised 5 kids so far, and have 4 to still finish raising.  There are times I wish I could go back in time and do a few things better or different, but I wouldn't trade the wisdom that comes from learning.  If there is one thing(out of the many) we have learned, it is not to stress too much about things, but do the best we can. There are so many things(work, church, school, etc.) that demand our time. We decided long ago that we would concentrate on a few things most important on our list, and if we could fit a few extra things in we would.  We have had to really compact down what we do in life. Otherwise, everyone(us and the kids) feel overwhelmed. Time is such a gift, but we have had to really decide what is worth our time.  We also have learned to take time to enjoy the journey.

Matthew [their down syndrome son] has taught us to enjoy the little things.  He gets so excited over things that most of us would over look.  He has helped us see what truly is most important.  Since I am homeschooling him, I sometimes feel like I am not a good teacher. I had wanted everything traditional as far as teaching him goes. Like writing, reading, math, etc.. Mark keeps reminding me that I am teaching him, but in the way that works for him.  So we do computer games, ipad, coloring, singing, t.v., dress up time(costumes), and things like this.  He is learning, and I am trying to not be hard on myself.  So I hope something I said in this helps.  I need to remind myself everyday even at the age of 50 years old that I am doing the best I can, and it will all work out good in the end.  Here is a poem I saved from many years ago.  It reminded me that what we do as Mom's is important even though we don't feel it is enough sometimes.

If I Had My Child To Raise Over Again

If I had my child to raise all over again, I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.

I'd finger-paint more, and point the finger less.

I would do less correcting and more connecting.

I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.

I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.

I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.

I'd do more hugging and less tugging.

I'd see the oak tree in the acorn more often.

I would be firm less often, and affirm much more.

I'd model less about the love of power, and more about the power of love.

Author Unknown

Love,

Tammy

 

 My brother's reply:

 Great poem, Tammy.  It is very true.

Here is some advice from me:

• perfection isn't required nor attainable in the role of being a Mom (or most other things for that matter).
• not everyone needs to play the piano (we had friends once who had 6 kids and each one was always enrolled in something--piano, dance, football, basketball, soccer, cheerleading, band and on and on, year after year).  It made me wonder if we were slacking off when I would look out the window and see our kids just swinging or jumping on the trampoline.  Their kids didn't turn out any better or worse than ours. 
• Choose a style that works for you and yours and stay the course for the long run. 
• We often rotated who got to be in a sport or activity.  They could support their siblings by attending the game as supporters instead of the star.
• Unstructured time is great sometimes.
• I loved reading to the kids at night but that was my thing, not the only thing or even the right thing.  I didn't play catch with them or teach them to fix the car.  Maybe I should have, but I didn't and none of them are in Alcatraz.  (Of course, that isn't a very high standard for determining successful parenting).
• Find what you and your kids love doing and just keep doing that.  It will become a good memory to them and you are more likely to keep it up.
• Elder Oaks wrote an Ensign article once called "Two Cheers for Excellence".  If you can find it, it might apply to your question.  As I recall, the point was that 'excellence' wasn't always the goal --hence, only two cheers (not three) for excellence.
• I know some people with some terrible parents.  Make a list of all the things you don't, haven't and won't do to your kids and you will begin to see that you are getting the important things right.  These are real things people have told me about their parents (Moms and Dads).  Believe me, you aren't the one who should be worrying about your parenting skills:

1. Fed the kids breakfast then sent them outside and locked the door.  They were not to come home until dinner time.
2. Put a big bowl of cereal on the floor and told him--a toddler--to feed himself for the day.  Mom went back to bed, locked the door and drank.
3. Mom only spoke to say "Shut up!" "Stop that" "Go away" "You're stupid".
4. Dad threw them against the wall.
5. Mom/Dad/Grandparents sexually abused them.
6. Father shot himself in the head in the house.
7. Guardian (an angry grandmother who hated men) dressed him as a girl and locked him out of the house.
8. Screamed.  Screamed.  Screamed.
9. Drank.
10. Left and never returned.

God is the only perfect parent.  It is a tough job but very very rewarding.  Enjoy the chaos and imperfection and move forward with...Faith.

John

 My daughter-in-law's reply:

I understand what you are going through.  I feel guilty if my house is not perfectly clean.  Which, Elise assures me, is totally unnatural and freaky since none of her friends' houses are perfectly clean.  I used to guilt myself about my kids not being in multiple activities, I guilt myself that I haven't worked on reading as much as I should with Maya, and that my kids don't get music lessons, that my bathroom walls and refrigerator aren't covered in scripture quotes, with everyone with an assigned scripture to learn that week.  etc. etc.  There are a thousand things that I have felt guilty, inadequate, and a horrible mother for over the last 13 years.  However, I have also learned that my kids are perfectly fine, and capable of surviving without those things.  The basics are the most important to provide your children.  Love, food, fhe, prayer, and scripture study.  Everything else is fluff.  My children may not be able to play the piano, quote scriptures, turn somersaults, read greek, or speak a second language..... but they know that they are loved.  They will be just fine or make some therapist a very rich person.  

I have also learned that having a 13 year old is not easy.  These middle school years have been a real struggle for us as parents.  She started out the beginning of each year as a great student and then by the second quarter she was getting d's and f's in all but two of her classes.  We tried everything, taking away books, computer, internet, tv, no friends, bribery, rewards..... It was driving us nuts and making our relationship with her one big battle.  I talked to a lady who is a middle school counciler [at another school].  She said that we (mostly me) just needed to stop letting her have this power over us.  So the plan was for me to never look at her grades or say anything about homework. In essence I had to accept that Elise's grades and actions were her responsibility and had no reflection on me as a parent.  When teachers e-mailed me about her grades and requested a meeting. I explained to them that Elise's grades were her choice and she would have to accept the consequences of her poor choices.  I told them, and the school, that if she had to repeat 8th grade, or go to summer school I was completely fine with that.  Every time Elise complained about a teacher or class in school I cheerfully assured her that I'm sure she would enjoy them even more the second time around. So for months now I have bit my tongue,  not mentioned homework,  have cheerfully assured her how fun it will be to make friends with all of the 7th graders,   I have cried in my room in frustration and anger.  But our relationship has gotten better. She has been doing  her homework, and getting better grades.  She even comes out of her room and talks to us now!

 My reply:

 As a mother you attend many funerals....the funeral of the dream of having your child potty trained before age 3, the funeral of the dream of your home being always clean and tidy, the funeral of the dream of having children who all play two instruments.  But after you cry and bury your dream, you find a peace and calm come to you as you accept your children as they are and life as it is and your season of time as it is now in the present. 

You have to accept who YOU are, and bury the dream of being like someone else.  I just had to experience that AGAIN today as I sat in the airport waiting room wishing I looked like that lady over there, and that one just over there.

Satan wants us to be discouraged, depressed and down on ourselves.  Well, get thee behind me, Satan.  And get out of my daughter, Faith's way!  She'll bulldoze you to the ground and you'll be wondering what hit you.
Love you Faith,
Mom

 My son's reply:

In the words of Jeffrey Holland a few weeks ago:

"In this Church, what we know will always trump what we do not know. And remember, 

in this world, everyone is to walk by faith.

So be kind regarding human frailty—your own as well as that of those who 

 serve with you… Except in the case of His only perfect Begotten Son, 

imperfect people are all God has ever had to work with. That must be 

terribly frustrating to Him, but He deals with it. So should we. 

And when you see imperfection, remember that the limitation is not in 

the divinity of the work. 

As one gifted writer has suggested, when the infinite fulness is poured forth, 

it is not the oil’s fault if there is some loss because finite vessels 

can’t quite contain it all. Those finite vessels 

include you and me, so be patient and kind and forgiving."

- Ammon

 I hope this has helped some of you. If you have additional thoughts, please add them in the comments. 

Thanks for reading, 
 Cathy

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