Parenting Tip - Be Nice to your Future Self

I'm basically a lazy person.  If a recipe calls for cutting an onion and garlic, I'll either skip that recipe or just use onion and garlic salt instead.  If the weeds are over running my flower bed, I'll try spraying them rather than take the time to pull them out. But sometimes I'll amaze myself by talking myself out of being lazy.  Like if I'm too tired to take a shower at night but have to leave early the next morning, I'll tell myself, "just take a shower, you'll love yourself tomorrow."  And I do.  I thank myself over and over the next morning for taking my shower last night.

A listener on Gretchen Rubin's podcast mentioned "doing something kind for your future self" when she read a blog entry from Wil Wheaton.  This idea of doing something nice for your future self really resonated with me, since that is a tactic I use to get myself to do something hard.  Gretchen's sister mentioned on the podcast that she uses that idea to make herself lift weights, telling herself that when she is 70 years old and not feeble, she will thank herself.

You can use this idea in so many ways---getting yourself to fold and put away the laundry so your future self will enjoy seeing your family function more happily.  Doing the dishes at night so the kitchen is clean in the morning.  Ah, thank you, self!

Gretchen says this is a great strategy for obligers to use to help them do something just for themselves.  Obligers are people  who can meet outer expectations--they can do what others ask them to do, but struggle to meet expectations they impose on themselves.  

Why is it so hard to do something just for yourself?  I think it is because we feel selfish.  We feel like we should be using our time to help our children, or our husband or doing our Church calling or whatever. We are told over and over again to serve others-- that is the key to happiness, but I think we forget that serving ourselves will give us more energy to serve others.

Another reason might be that life goes by so quickly.  We are so busy taking care of life in the present, that we don't have time to worry and take care of life in the future.   The "squeaky wheel gets the grease" and life squeaks really loud in the present.

So how can you and I take this idea and help our future selves?  I can tell my present self, "No, don't buy that cute blouse.  Remember you are saving your money for __________.  You'll thank me in 6 months."

I can tell my present self, "Don't eat that _______.  Go drink a glass of water instead.  You'll love me tomorrow."

I can tell my present self, "Yes, it's okay to stop and play with my kids (grandkids).  I'm bonding and will love myself when they come to me with problems when they're older."

Be nice to your future self--she'll thank you profusely!

Thanks for reading,

Cathy
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Parenting Tip - It Feels so good to say NO!

During dinner several years ago, the phone rang and I answered it.  It was a teacher from my neighborhood school asking me if I could substitute for her tomorrow.  Arrgghhh, I had things planned for tomorrow, but how could I say no?  She wanted ME!  She wanted ME to solve her problem and teach her class because I was so creative and wonderful and ...and....and....But I had things to do tomorrow and really couldn't and didn't want to.  So, in agony of not being able to help her, I said no.  And in a flash I felt so much relief and happiness and realized a very important truth: she didn't want ME, she just wanted SOMEONE to help her solve  her dilemma--she didn't really care WHO it was.

I immediately burst into song and danced back to the dinner table singing at the top of my voice, "It feels so good to say NO and not feel guilty!"  My family starred at me and just continued eating.  But I kept singing my song again, and explained, "I finally get it.  People want someone to help them out of their problems, and if I say no, they'll just find someone else to help them.  They're not paying me a compliment because I'm the only one and the best one. I've been so prideful all these years, but realize the truth of the matter now."

And that's how I learned to say NO.

It's always been hard for me to stick up for myself.  I was a walk-all-over-her sort of person for many many years. I was taken advantage of because I was nice and didn't want to disappoint people or not help them. I considered myself a wimp.   But gradually I started noticing and admiring people who stood up for themselves, who set boundaries and limits and knew what they could do and were willing to do.  I wanted to be one of those kind of people.  Strong in their beliefs and actions.  Self-assured and self-confident.  And that meant saying NO when it was needed.

Recently I read an article that said when you say NO to something, then really you are saying YES to something else. And when you say YES to something, you are naturally saying NO to other things. So years ago when I was substituting and my children were still in school, if I said Yes to teaching, then some days that would mean I would be saying no to getting the laundry and shopping done and preparing a peaceful dinner.  Sometimes it was good to say yes, but other weeks I should have said no more often.

What are some other NO/YES outcomes?
NO to video/computer time - YES to creative, imaginative children
NO to snacking, candy - YES to healthy lifestyle (ouch, that one always gets me!)
NO to lax, inconsistent bedtime routine - YES to more peaceful evenings
NO to excessive fast food eating - YES to more money and healthier eating
NO to hours on blog/instagram/pinterest/facebook reading - YES to non-comparing yourself with others and feeling happier with your life
NO to judging others - YES to accepting others with different ideas
......and the list can go on and on.

One other idea on how to say NO that I wished I would have known years ago when I was a wishy washy wimp and that is, stall for a moment when someone asks you to do something that you don't want to or think it best not to do.  Say very nicely, "Let me check my calendar."  Then check that calendar and if you want to say NO, you sweetly say, "Oh I'm sorry, I have something scheduled for then."  They don't have to know that you don't have something officially written down.  Because remember the NO/YES consequences.  If you say no to them, you're saying yes to your children for being able to meet their needs that morning or yes to reading a book because you really need some downtime.  It sounds so more convincing to say, "Oh, I'm not available" than "Oh, I'm reading a good book and will lose it if I don't take some time for myself."

It sounds like I'm suggesting you say NO all the time.  I'm not.  I wrote this blog post for me, basically, because I need to say NO to myself more often than to other people.  I love to teach and love to babysit my grandchildren and love to do this and love to do that.  And I want to do it all.  But I have to remind myself that when I say, "YES, I think I'll teach more ukulele or music classes", I'm really saying, "NO, I won't have time to babysit my grandchildren when I'm needed."

Judge wisely when you say NO or YES and remember there will always be a YES or NO answering consequence.

Thanks for reading,

Cathy

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Parenting Tip - How To Be Happy

One of my favorite authors is Gretchen Rubins who wrote The Happiness Project and Happiness at Home. Her ideas are so simple and doable, yet they are so significant in adding to your happiness,   like: get enough sleep.  This is a no-brainer that no one does!

I just read an article about Hank Smith who gave a talk called, The Surprising Science Behind "Supremely Happy" People.  It's a great review--you should click on the link and read it.

I would like to add two more ideas on the subject of "how to be happy". Find something that you can totally be in control of.   This may sound weird at first, but one of the reasons people become unhappy is because of the situations they are in, whether it be financial, relationship problems, health or job issues, or many other things that seem to be totally out of their control.  I have found that if you can find just one thing that you can control in your life, your happiness level jumps skyward.

I found this out early on in my married life.  Situations would arise that were totally out of my control in regards to my husband's work.  Then as children became teenagers, their choices were sometimes not my choices and I really felt out of control.  But anytime this happened, I would find a sewing project to keep my mind focused elsewhere, and I discovered that being totally in charge of how I was going to implement that sewing project, made me feel more in control of other aspects of my life and I could cope and even be happy.

A couple of weeks ago I felt totally out of control and overwhelmed.

My waterbed heater burned a hole in the mattress, which flooded and destroyed my bedroom carpet.  My homeowners would pay for new carpeting, so I planned on re-carpeting the bedroom. But when I removed the waterbed and sold it, I discovered that I had never painted the wall behind the headboard.  So now I needed to paint the bedroom before getting the new carpeting.  BUT, my bedroom has that horrible popcorn ceiling, so since the carpeting was gone and the room cleared out, it only made sense to scrape off the ceiling, then paint, then get new carpeting.

Enter stomach ache.  

We're talking about a major project here.  I don't have time for a major project.  I have company coming for Christmas and I am redecorating and painting the guest bedroom and sewing a king size quilt for the bed.  I don't have time for two bedroom projects.

Enter stomach ache and head ache.

What do I do?  After thinking and thinking and becoming more and more stressed, I talked to a friend and said I wished I could save my bedroom project for January when I would have more time and be looking for something to do. I told her I didn't mind sleeping in the new bed I bought in an uncarpeted bedroom with a crazy paint job on the wall.

 I just wanted the guest bedroom to get finished before Christmas.  Then it hit me!  Okay, just wait on my bedroom project.  Stay on task and do the guest room project.

The relief was enormous. 

My spirits lifted, I felt happy, relieved, energized and proud that I had used SELF CONTROL to help me become more IN CONTROL of my situation.

So the next time you are feeling down, stressed, or out of control--find a project where YOU are totally in control of it's destiny, whether it's a sewing project, book to read, new recipe to try or whatever.  Then DO IT. CONTROL IT.

                                                           Or, use


 to get back on track of where you want to go.


Either way, it's a win-win situation where YOU are in control and HAPPY.

Thanks for reading,
Cathy
PS Have you had a similar experience?  Share your story with us.

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Parenting Tip #59 Self esteem or Self worth?

What's the difference between self esteem and self worth? Karen Eddington, founder of Cauliflower Retreat(an outreach program designed to empower women and teens using positive messages of self-worth)says there is a big difference. She states "It’s time for a new message. We encourage you to think and act more positively about self-worth starting in the home." She offers self-worth support, skills, and techniques that you can teach to your children before they reach teenage years and while they are in them.

One suggestion Karen gives parents is to not label your child. It's so easy to say, "Josh is the athletic member in our family and Jordon is the intellectual one." That kind of statement puts a limit on what each son can accomplish.

My daughter-in-law is part of Cauliflower Retreat and it has been rewarding for me to see how deeply she cares and wants to help youth feel good about who they are.

Home should be the haven our children come home to where they can feel secure enough to grow and create their best self. We, as parents, can help them on their path. Visit Karen's website http://cauliflowerretreat.org/ to get specific and easy suggestions that you can incorporate into your family's dialogue.