Parenting Tip - Focus on the Positive!

A friend talked to me about one of her daughters.  She was worried about this child, who seemed to get mad, stay mad, refuse to talk about her feelings or problems and said negative things to her brother and sister. As my friend worried about the situation, she became more and more fearful and envisioned this daughter as a teenager experiencing a multitude of anger issues and acting out behavior.  This mom was scared and didn't know what to do.

Then a couple of days later, my friend related how she had suddenly "come to her senses."  She thought about her daughter and all the great characteristics and talents she had.  She remembered how her daughter loved to be active and liked to play outside or go on walks.  She remembered how her daughter was constantly playing the piano and enjoyed playing church songs.  She remembered how funny her daughter was and how thoughtful she was.  She remembered that her daughter had come home from school one day saying she needed to choose a new friend because her present friend was mean and said bad things to other kids.

This mom had been distracted by her daughter's immaturity on one level and had forgotten all about  the other wonderful traits she had.  As she focused on the negative aspects of her daughter's personality, the negative was all she could see.  But as soon as she started to focus on the positive characteristics of her daughter, my friend said she felt relieved, light hearted and saw many, many good qualities in her daughter.

She started inviting her daughter to run with her, since she had keyed into the fact that her daughter needed and liked physical exercise.  She started complimenting her daughter on her piano playing, and started giving her hugs and more positive attention.  And this daughter flourished--because her  mom focused on the positive instead of the negative.

Thanks for reading,
Cathy
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Parenting Tip - Validation

I've been babysitting 3 of my out-of-state grandchildren while my son and his wife are out of the country--a five year old, three year old and 11 month old. Wow!  What I've been learning!

The first couple of days were hard.  Very hard.  The three year old is a strong-willed child who does not understand the concept of taking turns or sharing.  I was not enjoying myself and not acting like myself.  I was grouchy, short tempered, felt picked on and started harboring and thinking negative thoughts. 

I felt bad about my feelings and called one of my daughters.  I was so frustrated-- at ME-- not my grandchildren.  I was discouraged with myself that at my age, I still am having negative, mean thoughts, that I can't control my anger, that I'm judging and coveting.  STILL.  When am I going to improve and get over my weaknesses?

My daughter told me that I wasn't going to perfect them in this life.  That they are my struggles and weaknesses and I have to deal with them my whole life--but that's  normal.  Yes, I can improve, but they will always be my demons.

For some reason that made me feel much better.  Oh.  It's a lifelong process.  I'm not a horrible person.  Yes, I'm having problems again with my feelings and attitudes, but I can nip them in the bud quicker now, than I did several years ago.

Another thing that happened to me, was several people validated that, yes, I had a difficult three year old to deal with.  Yes, it is very hard on you.

Once I was validated, and once I realized that I'm not a horrible person, I immediately felt better and immediately became my cheerful, fun loving, creative grandma-self again.  When my grandson started yelling and crying, I could change the atmosphere just by doing silly things to distract him.  One time I yelled, "Oh my gosh, there's a dinosaur outside!".  Then I rushed outside with two little boys following me and suddenly we were outside playing and having a good time.

The daughter I talked with was having a hard time herself.  She is a nanny for a little boy who is having difficulty in the potty training area.  She felt frustrated, mean and horrible like me.  Then the father and mother of the boy got a little more involved and said how hard the situation was and immediately, my daughter felt validated.  The situation didn't change, but now she could deal creatively and cheerfully with it again.

Validation is magical!  How cool is it, that when a situation doesn't change, but we are validated in the difficulty of it, then we become able to continue to face the challenge with new strength and energy?

Who can I validate? I'm going to be a better listener, and instead of trying to solve someone's problem, I'm going to validate that they truly are having a  difficult situation. 

"Your husband works nights and you never get to see him that much?  That must be really hard."

"You've been trying to find a new job for months and can't find anything?  That must get discouraging."

"You've been trying to lose weight, but nothing seems to help?  That's so frustrating."

Validation.  Miracle cure.

Thanks for reading,

Cathy

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Music Tip - The Rhythm of Life

You've heard the phrase, "variety is the spice of life".  I think it should be changed to "rhythm is the spice of life" and I agree with Maya Angelou, an American Poet who said, "everything has rhythm, everything dances." 

Look at your children and their rhythm and dancing as they play, whine, read, eat and avoid their bedtime.  You probably haven't thought about them having rhythm and dancing during these times, but they do.  Think about a toddler who does the same repetitive activity like putting blocks in a container and dumping them out, over and over again.  Or the child who whines in a steady, nonstopable stream of complaining.

So I say, let's be proactive Moms.  Let's use this inherent rhythm our children have to our advantage.  Here are some examples of things you could do:

You're driving in the car with your children and they're tired and hungry.  Every intersection you come to has a red light.  You suddenly start chanting, "turn green, turn green, turn green" and immediately your children begin chanting with you.  When the light changes you all clap and say yeah!  Then as you approach an intersection with a green light showing you chant, "stay green, stay green, stay green."  Suddenly the atmosphere in your car is one of "funness" and your children are totally distracted from their hunger pains.

The bedtime fight is about to begin.  You start chanting and clapping, "bedtime, bedtime, pj-time, bedtime" as you help your child get into his pajamas.  Then you chant, "bedtime, bedtime, brush your teeth, bedtime", and again start brushing teeth.  Go through your whole bedtime routine, chanting, and doing the actions of getting ready for bed.  Then change your voice to whispering and slowly chant, "sleep time sleep time, close your eyes and sleep time."  Maybe you could continue whispering and stroking your child's face or body softly as you say, "I love you time, I love you time, kiss and hugs, I love you time."  

The house is cluttered with toys, you're fixing dinner, the baby is crying, the older kids are fighting instead of doing their homework and the noise is escalating. Suddenly you chant these words to the rhythm of "We Will Rock You": 

Who will,   who will,    help me? (clap, stomp, stomp, clap)

Who will,   who will,    help me? (clap, stomp, stomp, clap)

Then proceed to give directions in the same rhythm-ee way. 

Your children will probably look at you in disbelief, but the weirdness of  their mother acting like this will be so novel, they might just obey you.

So I say to all you Moms out there:
Try it,   try it,  try it! (clap, stomp, stomp, clap)
Try it,   try it,  try it! (clap, stomp, stomp, clap)

Thanks for reading,

Cathy

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Music Tip #1 - Musical Temper Tantrums

Each week I will be posting a parenting tip and a music tip--something that might help you and your child in the daily routine of family life. You don't have to sing well or be musically inclined to enjoy the benefits of these tips. Just try them and see if they help!
Did your child wake up on the wrong side of the bed--nothing you do seems to be what he wants? If your child is having a hard time--no matter if he is 18 months or 8 years old--try singing. This is such unexpected behavior from you, that usually your child will stop crying or at least quiet down and listen to what is happening. Sing a favorite song, folk song, make up nonsense words, whatever. Sing out of tune, in tune, sing loud then whisper. Use variety. Add some tickling. Then some hugging. Get your child busy doing something else and hopefully you'll have averted a major meltdown.
Husbands: Maybe you should try this on your wife the next time she is having "one of those days"!

Feel free to comment and share your experiences with us.