Parenting Tip - Can I say YES Now?

In my last post I talked about how I had learned to say NO, and how good it felt.  Now let's talk about saying YES, and how good that can feel.

The holidays are upon us.  First comes Halloween, closely followed by Thanksgiving, and then Christmas comes rushing in like a whirlwind with all its traditions, madness and overcrowded days.   Sometimes I feel like hiding until it's all over.  It's not that I don't love the holidays, it's just that I get caught up in the busyness of decorations, food, gifts, traditions and worldly expectations to have everything "perfect" and to do it all.  Pinterest, Instagram, and Facebook give a trillion cute, cute ideas to do and I want to do them all.

I've learned an important truth, though, and it has been my children that have taught it to me.  When they reminisce about holiday traditions, sometimes they'll mention things we use to do as a family when they were young that they remember us doing every year, like going to the mountains to cut our own Christmas tree.  But guess what?  We didn't do that every year.  In fact, we only did it 3-4 times.

What does this mean to you and me?  We can have cherished traditions, but we can space them out without losing their traditional feel.  Do you have a tradition of going to see the zoo lights every year?  It's expensive, so only go every 3 years.  Do you always make and decorate Christmas cookies but this year you are dreading it?  Skip it.  Do it next year.  Does your family love to do the 12 Days of Christmas for a secret family, but you're wondering if you have enough energy to pull it off this year?  Wait for another year or two to do it, so it will become fun and exciting again.

I don't have a lot of storage space in  my home, so I have limited my Christmas decorations to 4 large plastic tubs.  But, of course, more decorations have slowly been spreading out and gaining more momentum and filling up other shelves and closets.  Last year I didn't put up several decorations and didn't miss them.  This year I'm thinking of decluttering some of my decorations.  I inherited a gorgeous collection of tall, Victorian Santa Clauses that take up a lot of space to display.  Then I also have a collection of Nativity scenes.  So when both collections are brought out to display with all the other decorations, I literally start to feel claustrophobic.

I've had a stern talking to with myself and decided I'm really going to limit my decorations this year. I'm only going to put up my 3 most favorite Santas and only 3-5 of the Nativities.  When you have a small house like mine, you really should simplify.  So I'm going to.

Wait, I started out by saying I was going to talk about saying YES.  But it sounds like I'm saying NO to a lot of things such as decorations and traditions.  In actuality, I am saying to myself, "YES, you may have a simple, meaningful, spiritual, family holiday this year, and this is how you will do it.  You may choose 3 traditions you like the most (or you may start 1 new one) and you may choose your most loved decorations to put up.  You will say YES to empty unscheduled blocks of time during the days and weeks so that you may say YES to unexpected things that come up or to people that need your help. You will say YES to enjoying being with family and friends because you are not rushed and frenzied trying to do it all and be it all to everyone.

Ah.....it feels so good to say YES!

Thanks for reading,

Cathy
*********************************************************************************

Parenting Tip - Validation

I've been babysitting 3 of my out-of-state grandchildren while my son and his wife are out of the country--a five year old, three year old and 11 month old. Wow!  What I've been learning!

The first couple of days were hard.  Very hard.  The three year old is a strong-willed child who does not understand the concept of taking turns or sharing.  I was not enjoying myself and not acting like myself.  I was grouchy, short tempered, felt picked on and started harboring and thinking negative thoughts. 

I felt bad about my feelings and called one of my daughters.  I was so frustrated-- at ME-- not my grandchildren.  I was discouraged with myself that at my age, I still am having negative, mean thoughts, that I can't control my anger, that I'm judging and coveting.  STILL.  When am I going to improve and get over my weaknesses?

My daughter told me that I wasn't going to perfect them in this life.  That they are my struggles and weaknesses and I have to deal with them my whole life--but that's  normal.  Yes, I can improve, but they will always be my demons.

For some reason that made me feel much better.  Oh.  It's a lifelong process.  I'm not a horrible person.  Yes, I'm having problems again with my feelings and attitudes, but I can nip them in the bud quicker now, than I did several years ago.

Another thing that happened to me, was several people validated that, yes, I had a difficult three year old to deal with.  Yes, it is very hard on you.

Once I was validated, and once I realized that I'm not a horrible person, I immediately felt better and immediately became my cheerful, fun loving, creative grandma-self again.  When my grandson started yelling and crying, I could change the atmosphere just by doing silly things to distract him.  One time I yelled, "Oh my gosh, there's a dinosaur outside!".  Then I rushed outside with two little boys following me and suddenly we were outside playing and having a good time.

The daughter I talked with was having a hard time herself.  She is a nanny for a little boy who is having difficulty in the potty training area.  She felt frustrated, mean and horrible like me.  Then the father and mother of the boy got a little more involved and said how hard the situation was and immediately, my daughter felt validated.  The situation didn't change, but now she could deal creatively and cheerfully with it again.

Validation is magical!  How cool is it, that when a situation doesn't change, but we are validated in the difficulty of it, then we become able to continue to face the challenge with new strength and energy?

Who can I validate? I'm going to be a better listener, and instead of trying to solve someone's problem, I'm going to validate that they truly are having a  difficult situation. 

"Your husband works nights and you never get to see him that much?  That must be really hard."

"You've been trying to find a new job for months and can't find anything?  That must get discouraging."

"You've been trying to lose weight, but nothing seems to help?  That's so frustrating."

Validation.  Miracle cure.

Thanks for reading,

Cathy

****************************************************************************

Music Tip #72 Helpful Songs

I’ve written songs throughout my adult life. Some have been published—others haven’t. My most famous song –to my kids, that is--is one that I use to sing when I was stressed out, had a hundred things to do and had no energy to do them with. It’s called, “I’ve Got Energy”. I was trying to psych myself out, I guess.


Another song I recently wrote is one to help me with one of my vices. Coveting. I never thought of myself as a coveter (is that a word?). Perhaps I was a little jealous and envious of other people’s nicer-than-mine house, or financial status or beauty. But I didn’t think I coveted—until one year in Sunday School when we were discussing the 10 Commandments and that one came up. Whoa—it sure sounded like what I was doing.

So I wrote this little song to help me overcome my feelings and put life back into perspective. You sing it to the tune of Are You Sleeping.

Do not covet. Do not covet.
Don’t you dare. Don’t compare.
Coveting’s a dreadful sin.
Makes you bitter, no one wins.
Count your Blessings.
Count your Blessings!

So I hope you can use my two little songs some day. The next time you have no energy, sing I Have Energy from the top of your lungs. You really have to shout it out. And did I mention you have to dance while you’re singing it?

Or if you find yourself coveting, sing Do Not Covet in your head over and over again.

Happy singing!