Parenting Tip - Might As Well Try!

 I heard a true story that has completely changed my attitude and actions.  This high school boy heard about auditions for a singing group that would be touring internationally.  He wanted to try out for it so he told his friend about it so they could audition together.  His friend said, "we're not going to make it.  Why even try?"  The first boy said, "Because we have already NOT made it right now.  But if we audition there is a chance that we WILL make it."  So they auditioned and made it!

I can't draw and don't know how to water color.  If I take a class, I'm not going to suddenly become Grandma Moses (a woman who became famous for her artwork which she picked up at age 78).  But you already can't draw and water color.  Taking a class will at least teach you the basics and get you going.

I want to teach ukulele classes again, but no one will sign up during this weird stage of COVID-19. You already are not teaching. Offer a class and see if anyone signs up.   (so far 18 students have signed up--I had to offer 2 additional classes!)

You don't have a green thumb.  You can't garden--everything you plant dies on you.  Why bother to wish for a new landscaped backyard.   You already have dead plants and an ugly backyard.  Take a class to find out why they die. Look up ideas for a backyard and follow their lead.  (I took an online class and found out about watering correctly, fertilizing and planting in the correct spot for the plant's needs.  I looked up ideas, got professional help and have received numerous compliments on my backyard).

Now when I want to try something new, I think about where I am at and how I already don't know how to do it.  But what is the harm in trying, and learning and growing.  It's invigorating and fun!!

My first sunflower!

learning to write with fancy fonts... 

one of my fairy gardens

Parenting Tip - Be Inconsistently Consistent

I've noticed two main attitudes that develop in families when things get hard.  Either they quit doing the hard thing completely and let it drop, or they make adjustments, streamline the "hard thing" for awhile and then get back to doing it again.

I've seen this happen over and over again as I have taught piano lessons.  The family begins lessons with enthusiasm and commitment and practicing begins in earnest.  Then after a few months, LIFE happens.  Soccer games, illness, busyness in school and Church, financial problems--you name it, suddenly it becomes too hard to fit practice time in and lessons drop.

I've experienced this over and over again with family/personal scripture reading, Family Home Evening, and family prayers.  You have them consistently but then LIFE happens.  It becomes too hard to schedule them in because of late night games or teenagers are at work or your kids have too much homework, or Dad is out of town. And the scripture reading, FHE and prayers drop.

Life is full of HARD things.  But it is in doing those hard things, that real growth and benefit is acquired. So I propose:

                                                   BE INCONSISTENTLY CONSISTENT!

I've seen it with my piano families.  Those who keep on taking lessons and practice when they can, actually do make progress.  Example:  I teach twins in a family who is very busy raising pigs and goats and showing them at county fairs around the state.  When county fair time arrives, they have to miss a lesson here and there and they are so busy with travel, that practice time becomes 10 minutes instead of 30.  But they don't quit, they make adjustments and simplify, then get back to normal practice when the fairs are over.

Another example is my son's family.  My daughter-in-law has taught piano to some of the children, exchanged giving lessons with another mom and has even quit for awhile.  But when I visited them last week, I was amazed to hear my granddaughter and grandson playing popular music that was quite advanced.  In fact, my grandson is accompanying his school class at their Spring Concert.  By being inconsistently consistent with piano practice, these two grandchildren are enjoying piano and progressing at it.

What about scripture reading, prayers and FHE.  Each time we read and pray it becomes a thread we weave into our family's tapestry of spirituality. Some days,weeks,months we may be consistently weaving while at other times, the progress is slower.  But as we continue to try to be consistent, our pattern takes form and our tapestry grows in beauty and strength.

Teach your children to do hard things.  If you have to make a new chore chart, do it.  Give a pep talk, give it. Be a "mean" parent. Be it.

Teach yourself to do hard things.  If you have quit exercising and eating healthy, begin again.  My daughter has run 13 half marathons and 2 full marathons, but hasn't ran for two months.  Will she begin again?  Of course.  Life happened and she had to take some time off, but she is still a runner and will continue running in the near future.

Hard things are hard.  But they can be tackled, achieved, and overcome as we continue working on them.  We are not perfect and not expected to become perfect in this life.  But we can learn, acquire skills and progress as we step forward, fall back, then step forward again.  As we consistently keep trying amidst all our inconsistency, we are doing what we should be doing.


Good luck to all of us!

Thanks for reading,

Cathy

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Parenting Tip - Be Nice to your Future Self

I'm basically a lazy person.  If a recipe calls for cutting an onion and garlic, I'll either skip that recipe or just use onion and garlic salt instead.  If the weeds are over running my flower bed, I'll try spraying them rather than take the time to pull them out. But sometimes I'll amaze myself by talking myself out of being lazy.  Like if I'm too tired to take a shower at night but have to leave early the next morning, I'll tell myself, "just take a shower, you'll love yourself tomorrow."  And I do.  I thank myself over and over the next morning for taking my shower last night.

A listener on Gretchen Rubin's podcast mentioned "doing something kind for your future self" when she read a blog entry from Wil Wheaton.  This idea of doing something nice for your future self really resonated with me, since that is a tactic I use to get myself to do something hard.  Gretchen's sister mentioned on the podcast that she uses that idea to make herself lift weights, telling herself that when she is 70 years old and not feeble, she will thank herself.

You can use this idea in so many ways---getting yourself to fold and put away the laundry so your future self will enjoy seeing your family function more happily.  Doing the dishes at night so the kitchen is clean in the morning.  Ah, thank you, self!

Gretchen says this is a great strategy for obligers to use to help them do something just for themselves.  Obligers are people  who can meet outer expectations--they can do what others ask them to do, but struggle to meet expectations they impose on themselves.  

Why is it so hard to do something just for yourself?  I think it is because we feel selfish.  We feel like we should be using our time to help our children, or our husband or doing our Church calling or whatever. We are told over and over again to serve others-- that is the key to happiness, but I think we forget that serving ourselves will give us more energy to serve others.

Another reason might be that life goes by so quickly.  We are so busy taking care of life in the present, that we don't have time to worry and take care of life in the future.   The "squeaky wheel gets the grease" and life squeaks really loud in the present.

So how can you and I take this idea and help our future selves?  I can tell my present self, "No, don't buy that cute blouse.  Remember you are saving your money for __________.  You'll thank me in 6 months."

I can tell my present self, "Don't eat that _______.  Go drink a glass of water instead.  You'll love me tomorrow."

I can tell my present self, "Yes, it's okay to stop and play with my kids (grandkids).  I'm bonding and will love myself when they come to me with problems when they're older."

Be nice to your future self--she'll thank you profusely!

Thanks for reading,

Cathy
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Parenting Tip - Parenting Teenagers

 You may have already seen or heard about Josh Shipp.  I just listened to one of his videos that was posted on Facebook--the place I see all the upcoming news and info.  I liked what I heard. He is being called the "teen whisperer".   He speaks common sense and comes from a background of being a troubled youth himself.

As my husband and I parented our children through their teen years, I always remembered what my mother said when she had 4 teenagers growing up in our home at the same time-- myself, my sister and two brothers.  She said,  "I loved having you all as teenagers.  You were the best kids, and it was so fun to be around you." 

Now that's NOT what the majority of parents would say.  And I don't think my siblings and I were perfect or abnormal.  But my parents had taught us to be respectful, honest, have faith in God and know that we were children of God and that He had a plan for our lives.  We did experience ups and downs and normal teenage disagreements with our parents, but we respected each other, listened to advice from our parents and more importantly, they listened to us.  We cooperated together, we supported each other and we loved each other and had fun together.

When I had my teenagers, I experienced the same thing.  They were good kids.  They were funny, respectful, hardworking, compassionate, and good students.  They knew God loved them and had a purpose for their lives.  We were blessed with children that would listen to us and honor our decisions. 

We were firm and a lot more strict than other parents.  I know, because they told me--often.  But all seven children have also told me later as adults, that they were glad we were so strict.  They were glad they had boundaries and limitations.

Teenagers have a lot of peer pressure to deal with.  But so do YOU as parents.  Don't cave into your peer pressure, Moms and Dads.  Don't go with the flow and let your children go and do what others are doing, just because it is easier and your adult friends are letting their children do things you feel uncomfortable with.  Have rules in your home.  Let your family set those rules and help everyone to understand why the rule is as it is.

If your teen is having mental health problems, medical problems or acting different, get help--don't let it slide until the problem is worse.

But most importantly, ENJOY your teenagers! 

Music Tip - Fun Chord Progressions

I've been giving my piano students chord progressions.  I love them, and my students seem to like them too-- anyway when they come back to lessons I can tell they've been practicing them.  You may know about the popular 4 chord progression made popular by Axis of Awesome.  These four chords I V vi IV are used in more than 70 different popular songs.  In the key of C major, this would be: C–G–Am–F.  When you play the chords one right after another, they make a pleasing musical phrase that you can improvise melodies above.

Recently I gave the following chord progression to my students, but I can't remember which website I got it from.  It might have been Tim Topham, a popular Australian pianist/teacher/speaker.  The progression is:

Am/a  G/a  F/a  G/a        

Am/f  G/f  F/f  G/f
Am/d  G/d  F/d  G/d
Dm/b  EM/e  Am/a.

The capital letters represent the chord played with the right hand- four times in a row.
The lower case letter after the slash is the left hand note, played one time.
(So Am/a means right hand plays the notes A,C,E as a block chord four times in a row while the left hand plays an A on the piano with just the first time the chord is played.  Then the right hand plays GBD four times with the left hand again playing an A, etc)
One of my boy students said, "That sounds like the music to Rocky."  He was hooked, of course.

The next week after giving my students this chord progression, I gave them a number of different ways to try playing it at home during their practice time.  Here are some different ways to play it:
* Have the right hand play a broken chord instead of block chords.
* Have the left hand play a rhythm on it's note during the chords instead of just playing the note one time per chord group.
* Play the chord progressions in a different octave on the piano.  Playing it up high sounds like a music box.
* Use different dynamics during the progression.
* Add the pedal - in fact, this is an excellent way to introduce how to play the pedal correctly.
* Improvise a melody above the chord progression.  I would demonstrate by improvising a melody as the student played the chord progression, then I asked the student to improvise a melody.  I told them to use stepping or skipping steps on the notes in the chord I was playing.

Another chord progression my students have enjoyed is from Jon Schmidt's (from The Piano Guys) song he wrote way back when he was in high school.  He based it off a tuna commercial.  The song is called, The Dumb Song, and that really appeals to students. The link will take you to a pdf of the song.

I teach just the left hand of the first page.  Then the next week I add the simple right hand single notes.  Depending on the ability of the student, I eventually have them add block chords for the right hand and/or inversions.  This is a great way to teach students about chord inversions.

Teaching my students to play and have fun with chord progressions has really appealed to my teen and preteen students.  It works so well with older students who are just beginning to take piano, or who don't sight read very well.  It's an attention getter when they play it for friends and family, it sounds like they can play advanced music and it is WAY FUN!

Thanks for reading,
Cathy

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Parenting Tip - Enjoy them before they're gone

When I see videos like this one, I usually think, "Yeah, right.  That never happens." 

But why shouldn't it happen?  Our children are the dearest and most important people in our life.  They stay young for only a very short time.  You never get that time in their life back again.  You never can see them and hold them as a baby again, or watch them pretend and use their imagination. Oh, how I wish I could hold each of my babies again and cuddle them for one more day.  [Hey, that sounds like an interesting movie plot...... ]

When your children are teenagers you need to enjoy them too.  Appreciate the growth they're going through, the independence they're learning to use; be there to encourage them, cheer them on and love them unconditionally.  And remember, you won't have them at this age for very long either.

We know that change is inevitable.  So embrace it, expect it, and live today for the pure joy you find in it. Go hold your baby, play with your toddler, talk and listen to your teenager.  Who knows, maybe some day someone will make a video about YOU!

Thanks for reading,

Cathy

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Parenting Tip - Teach Forgiveness

I've had a paradigm shift in my thinking about the topic of FORGIVENESS in family life.  It all stems from this article by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf. 

I always thought of forgiveness as what you do when someone has wronged you or hurt you or done something bad to you.  Which it is, of course, but it's more. As a teenager, I would hold a grudge and give  my parents the "silent treatment" if they wouldn't let me go somewhere or do something I wanted to do.  My siblings  would get over being mad quickly, but I mistakenly thought that I had to be mad for a long time to show how unhappy I was about their decision.  I thought if I wasn't mad, then my parents  would think I didn't really mind their decision after all. So I would carry anger around for a long time.

But forgiveness is not being mad when you have the right to be.  It's not being hurt when someone has hurt you.  It's not seeking revenge when you have been wronged.

How does this apply to family life?  It can be applied and used multiple times a day!

Little sister takes big brother's toy.  Big brother has a right to be mad--he has been wronged and usually retaliates by hitting or crying.  But if big brother forgives his little sister, he shows love and understanding instead of revenge and justification.  He becomes a peacemaker.

 Big brother plays in the mud creating rivers and dams until little brother pours too much water over everything, ruining all the hard work. Big brother can hit and yell, or stop and try to understand what happened and forgive little brother.

Teenage daughter wants to go to a movie with her friends.  Her parents don't approve of the movie, even though her friends' parents--who are loving and cautious parents--do approve.  Teenage daughter can argue and fight or sulk and criticize.  But if teenage daughter forgives her parents for what she thinks as being "mean to her", she can look at their point of view, can realize they love her enough to protect her, and can let them know she disagrees with their decision, but respects them as her parents to willingly comply.  Her parents so appreciate teenage daughter's attitude, that they offer to let her friends come over for pizza and movies another week end.

Take a good look at your family and see the many areas you can teach and practice forgiveness. For example, your husband forgetting to run an important errand, your son not taking out the garbage, or a car suddenly cutting in front of you.  What about when you run out of peanut butter and your preschooler throws a fit, or your daughter's shirt is in the dirty clothes and she refuses to wear anything else.  Do children need to learn to forgive their parents?

When we practice forgiveness, we feel happier and peaceful.  We can forgive others, and still teach them.  We can forgive others, and then feel peaceful enough TO teach them.  Little sister is patiently taught to not take toys, discussion with teenage daughter is calm and respectful, husband and son are still loved even though natural consequences follow their forgetfulness.  You ask your child to forgive you for not having time to buy more peanut butter or do the laundry.

Putting a name to our feelings and actions is important.  Help your children learn when to forgive and label it as forgiveness.  Teach them the blessings that come from forgiveness such as peace and harmony and understanding for others.

It's important to teach about forgiveness BEFORE it is needed.  The preschooler crying for peanut butter might understand better if he's been taught about what to do in these situations previously.

And remember, it will take a long time to learn this principle--for ourselves, and our family. Especially that preschooler!


Thanks for reading,

Cathy

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Parenting Tip #54 How to not yell at your teenager

I remember my mother saying that the most fun of her mothering years were when her four oldest children were all in their teen age years at the same time. I agree. I also had four teenagers at the same time. So how can that be fun? Don’t teenagers rebel and cause you to constantly fight and yell with them?

It depends. If you are constantly yelling and fighting with your six and nine and eleven year old, then you’ll continue fighting and yelling with your teenager. But if you are disciplining with love and teaching and talking/listening to your pre teen child, then you’ll continue that parenting strategy with your teenager.

Teenagers are people. They deserve to be treated with respect. They are developing their autonomy, independence and individuality. They are trying to figure out who they are. It’s a tough time for them. So when conflicts arise as to when to do homework, when to socialize, when to do chores and when curfew should be, talk to your teenager like you would talk to your friend. Listen to their point of view. Think back to your teenage days and empathize with them. Then tell them your thoughts. Ask your teenager how you can both come to an agreement that works for both of you. Problem solve, give and take, think out of the box.

I remember talking to a mother of 6 sons and asking her for advice. She said “pick your fights”. In other words, if your teen wants to do something that you’re not totally against,let him do it-within your limits. But if your teen wants to go somewhere or do something you are dead set against, state your reasons why and ask him to trust you on this issue.

My fight was that my children had to practice the piano until they could play 10 hymns, at which time they could quit. All through their growing up years I would discuss options of how to make it more pleasant for them, offer incentives, etc. but the goal was 10 hymns and nothing less.

Another issue I would not back down on was sleepovers. One time my daughter wanted to go to her friend’s sleepover. Everyone was going and it was going to be so much fun. I was totally against sleepovers, though and she knew it. So instead of fighting we problem solved the issue and worked out a give and take. She could stay until 11pm, and then she had to come home. But I took her back the next morning so she could eat breakfast with her friends.

Don’t get in a power struggle with your teenager. If you have a conflict, remain calm (well try to). State your family’s rule about the issue. Be sincere.

Use natural consequences. If your teen stays out past curfew, she comes home early the next time. No yelling, no fighting, just calmly remind her of the rules (oh yeah, let your teenagers help you establish your rules and guidelines—very important! Then they will respect the rules because they helped establish them.)

And last, but this should definitely be first. Pray. Pray to your Father in Heaven that he will guide you as you raise your teenager who you have loved and enjoyed since he/she was a baby and which you will continue to love and cherish—even through teenagehood.