I really
like many of the books Gretchen Rubin has written, but I’m obsessed with her
newest book, The Four Tendencies.
During my
multibook investigation into human nature, I realized that by asking the
suspiciously simple question “How do I respond to expectations?” we gain
explosive self-knowledge.
I
discovered that people fit into Four Tendencies: Upholders, Questioners,
Obligers, and Rebels. Our Tendency shapes every aspect of our behavior, so
understanding this framework lets us make better decisions, meet deadlines,
suffer less stress and burnout, and engage more effectively. The Four
Tendencies explain why
we act and why we don’t act.
I am an
Obliger (you can take a quick quiz here to find out what tendency you are ). Knowing this has made my life easier. I understand why I do some of the things I do
and know how to deal with other aspects of my life, like accomplishing goals or
saying no to people. I think it is
important to understand our family members and realize their
tendencies—especially our spouses and children.
It can make family life so much more enjoyable when we understand why
people act and respond the way they do.
Then we can change the way we approach our spouse or child so we can
have win-win experiences and less conflicts.
Here are the
Tendencies in a nutshell:
The Upholder Tendency
Upholders
are those people who readily respond to outer and inner expectations
alike. They meet work or school
deadlines as well as keep goals they set for themselves.
Strengths: Upholders can set goals and ideals for themselves
and stick to it. They follow rules. They
also fulfill expectations that others have for them. They love schedules and routines. They like to know what is expected of them
and don’t like to make mistakes.
Weaknesses: Upholders don’t like to have their schedules
changed. They are uncomfortable if they
can’t follow the rules or expectations teachers or others have put on
them. They want to follow them whether
they are sensible or not. They don’t like change and can be inflexible and
rigid.
Dealing with an Upholder Child
Parents may
enjoy having children who are Upholders because they don’t have to nag them
about doing homework or practicing the piano. They plan ahead and have their softball
equipment ready and like to arrive at school on time or even early.
The Upholder child doesn’t like to change his schedule. If he needs to read 30 minutes a day for school he has a hard time letting
that go if a busy day prohibits it. He has a hard time letting a task go not quite completed such as a book report project he feels he needs more time on.
Be careful
about unintentionally adding an expectation or suggesting unnecessary
rules. An upholder child will exert a
lot of energy toward trying to meet it.
The author states that an offhand remark like, “you should enter the
spelling bee” might set off an unintended stressful chain reaction.
In dealing
with an Upholder child, address his tendency value: “You like to do things
that are expected of you”, “you like to be on time”, or “you like to finish
your projects”. But then address the
issue in a logical way such as, “your teacher will understand that you can only
read 15 minutes on some days”, or “it’s more important to go the speed limit
and be safe than to be extra early to school”.
The Questioner Tendency
We all have
inner expectations—things we want to do, and outer expectations—what others
want us to do. Questioners only do
things that are inner expectations and only those outer expectations that they
have turned into inner expectations. Questioners
want information, logic and efficiency.
They want to gather the facts and decide for themselves if something is
legitimate to do, the best thing to buy, or the right thing to follow. They
like logical conclusions and will research options until they are convinced.
Strengths: Once Questioners are resolved to do
something, they follow through and are reliable. They don’t just accept the
traditional way to do things, so may come up with new solutions to problems or
situations.
Weaknesses: When Questioners don’t accept the
justification for an expectation, they refuse to meet it. Rules may seem arbitrary or make no
sense. When wanting to purchase an item, they may research and question so
much, they can’t come to a conclusion and make a decision.
Dealing with a Questioner Child
A child who
is a questioner does not accept phrases like, “because I said so”, or that’s
the rule”. Questioners want to understand the
“why” of doing something, and once they do, they are more willing to
comply. Why is piano practicing
important? Why should I learn the
multiplication tables? Why does my school require uniforms?
Parents or
teachers who are dealing with a child’s refusal to do something should find out
why the child is refusing, then help the child understand the reasons behind
the issue. Help him find the
justification for doing what he doesn’t want to do. Why do I have to sit in my car seat? Because it’s the law and you don’t want
Mommy to have to pay a fine. Why do I
have to eat my vegetables? Because they
will make you healthy and strong so you can hit a home run some day.
The Obliger Tendency
Throughout a
day, week and month, people are always asking us to do things. The Obliger can accomplish things someone
else asks her to do, but has a hard time meeting expectations that only she
puts on herself. For example, when you
were in school, you could meet your English deadlines, but now you have a hard
time consistently writing in your journal.
Obligers needs accountability. Someone who is
expecting them to bring them the results they’ve asked for. If you are on a team and training for a game,
you don’t want to let your teammates down, so you run every morning. But after the season is over, you can’t get
yourself to run anymore. The
accountability has disappeared.
Strengths: Obligers get things done! They volunteer, help out, and meet
deadlines. They make great leaders, team
members, friends and family members.
Weaknesses: Obligers have a hard time meeting their own needs
and desires. They need to feel
accountable to someone in order to meet the goals they’ve set for themselves. This
is my tendency. I used to always
announce to my children that I would give them $10 if they saw me eat any more
cookies the rest of the day. Then it was
easy for me to not eat any more.
If Obligers
get overwhelmed by constant demands they are trying to meet of others, they can
have a meltdown—which is usually not pretty.
They go into Obliger-Rebellion and resist doing anything. Family members need to be aware of Obligers
in their home, and help them not get overwhelmed, by helping them say “no” when
necessary. They can also provide
accountability to help them reach their goals.
Dealing with an Obliger Child
I was
delighted to read the author’s example when dealing with an Obliger child
(which she says is sometimes hard to pick out).
She gave the example of piano practicing and said there needs to be
accountability like having a practice chart, a parent’s gentle reminder or a
teacher who says, “I can tell if you’ve been practicing or not.”
Help your
Obliger child create accountability by enrolling him in classes, making job
charts, having family rules, etc. But be
aware so your child does not begin feeling overwhelmed by meeting everyone’s
needs but his own.
The Rebel Tendency
Rebels don’t
want anyone telling them what to do, including themselves! They resist all
efforts when someone asks them to do something and have a hard time getting
themselves to do something they want to do.
For Rebels, being able to choose and have freedom of self-expression is
vitally important. They respond better to people asking their opinion rather than
being told to do something.
Strengths: They don’t cave into peer pressure. They enjoy meeting challenges especially when
someone says it will be too hard to do. Rebels do things their way and want
their lives to exhibit their values.
Weaknesses: Rebels don’t like to be told to do something
and resist commands and control over themselves. They want to do things in their own way and
in their own time. They have a hard time
sticking to a schedule.
Dealing with a Rebel Child (my daughter
prefers to call them Strong-willed
children and I agree)
Strong-willed
children are hard to deal with. They want to make their own choices. The best way to handle them is to give them
information, tell them what the consequences are, and let them make their
choice. And don’t watch them—then they think there is an expectation and will
rebel and not choose.
Strong-willed
children need to feel the consequence of their choices, be it good or bad. Strong-willed
children are motivated by identity. Explain the situation: “When you’re always late and delay our
leaving, I feel like I can’t trust you.
Do you want to be trustworthy or not--your choice." Make things fun for the strong-willed child. Make up games when you’re brushing your child’s
teeth or sing silly songs. Strong-willed
children like challenges: “Bet you can’t get dressed before Daddy does”. Let them choose: “You can eat a snack, do
your homework now, and then play before dinner or you can eat a snack and play
first. But if you don’t finish your
homework before dinner, you will have to finish it after dinner and not have
time for me to play a game with you before bedtime. It’s your choice.” Then allow them time and space to make their choice.
In reviewing
how to deal with children in these four tendencies, it seems to me that parents
should use lots of common sense. It shouldn’t
be a nerve wrecking decision trying to decide what is the correct thing to say
to your obliger child compared to what to say to your strong -willed child. Good parenting techniques cover all types and personalities
of children. In summary, here are some basic,
sound ideas that work well in dealing with any and all types of children:
1.
Explain the situation to your child when a
conflict arises. Appeal to his sense of
value.
2.
Listen to your child to understand what his
needs are that are not being met.
3.
Explain the “why” behind rules and “why” you are
asking for a certain behavior from your child.
4.
Make charts and give positive reinforcement to
help establish new habits and outcomes.
5.
Give information, consequences and choice to
your child.
6.
Let your child suffer the consequences of his
choice and actions.
7.
Have fun with your child, make up games and
challenges to spice up daily routines.
I hope this
information has been helpful. Now apply
it to your spouse!
Thanks for reading,
Cathy
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