Parenting Tip - Might As Well Try!

 I heard a true story that has completely changed my attitude and actions.  This high school boy heard about auditions for a singing group that would be touring internationally.  He wanted to try out for it so he told his friend about it so they could audition together.  His friend said, "we're not going to make it.  Why even try?"  The first boy said, "Because we have already NOT made it right now.  But if we audition there is a chance that we WILL make it."  So they auditioned and made it!

I can't draw and don't know how to water color.  If I take a class, I'm not going to suddenly become Grandma Moses (a woman who became famous for her artwork which she picked up at age 78).  But you already can't draw and water color.  Taking a class will at least teach you the basics and get you going.

I want to teach ukulele classes again, but no one will sign up during this weird stage of COVID-19. You already are not teaching. Offer a class and see if anyone signs up.   (so far 18 students have signed up--I had to offer 2 additional classes!)

You don't have a green thumb.  You can't garden--everything you plant dies on you.  Why bother to wish for a new landscaped backyard.   You already have dead plants and an ugly backyard.  Take a class to find out why they die. Look up ideas for a backyard and follow their lead.  (I took an online class and found out about watering correctly, fertilizing and planting in the correct spot for the plant's needs.  I looked up ideas, got professional help and have received numerous compliments on my backyard).

Now when I want to try something new, I think about where I am at and how I already don't know how to do it.  But what is the harm in trying, and learning and growing.  It's invigorating and fun!!

My first sunflower!

learning to write with fancy fonts... 

one of my fairy gardens

Parenting Tip-The Whining Child

I just spent 2 1/2 weeks babysitting my 21 month year old granddaughter.  It was so fun because she lives out of state and I don't get to see her very often.

My daughter plays in a string quartet and her quartet was performing and teaching in another state.

So I went with them to babysit during the times my daughter was rehearsing or teaching.  My granddaughter always cried when mommy had to leave, but here are two things I used that worked like  magic to help her be happy:
**SINGING!  Let's see, I wonder how many times I sang Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star, The Wheels on the Bus and Old MacDonald while driving in the car?  I would venture to say at least 100 times each!  I also made up songs and was often impressed with my rhyming skills, though no one else above the age of 21 months ever heard me to appreciate my talents.
**DISTRACTION  The name of the game with unhappy toddlers, even older kids, is to distract them.  I distracted my granddaughter by playing with toys, reading books, playing with play doh, etc.

When mommy wasn't teaching or rehearsing, her toddler was often whining at her.  This drives my daughter crazy because she does it so much at their house too.  So I decided to look up why toddlers/children whine and what to do about it.  All the articles I read agreed with each other.

Children whine because they don't know how to express their emotions and needs. They want someone to pay attention to them and they get frustrated when their needs are not met.  So they cry or start to whine.

All the articles I read about whining offered the same basic ways to cure whining:
1.  Understand that your child is whining for a reason.  Is she tired, hungry, sick, overwhelmed with too much stimulus, her scheduled has changed, late bedtime, teething, the list goes on and on and on.
2.  Explain what whining is and ask your child to say what he wants in a normal voice.  Then respond immediately.  This doesn't mean you necessarily give him what he wants (I understand you want to play longer, but now it's time to go home from the park.  Thanks for letting me know what you wanted), but if you are kneeling down looking him in the face, he knows you have heard him and at least have understood his needs.
3.  Spend quality time with your child each day.  Give her your full attention, hugs and kisses.  No phones or distractions.  Be in the present and enjoy your child.
4.  Look at your needs.  Are YOU stressed, tired, overwhelmed?
5.  One mother who blogged about whining cut out all screen time except on the weekend.  Instead of using screens as a babysitter so she could get something done, she used real toys and books instead. Be creative:  use kitchen gadgets as toys, recycled materials, pour rice with measuring cups into a bowl, water paint on rocks.

Some children whine more than others.
Some days/weeks are better/worse than others.
Some parents are more sensitive to whining then others.

But knowledge is power, and if you know what to try, even though all days won't be perfect, you will be more patient with your child--and yourself.

My next blog post will tell how I discovered I WAS WHINING, and to whom!



Thanks for reading,

Cathy

Parenting Tip - Turning Frustration Around

Life is frustrating at times.  Lots of times.  Every day in fact, there are frustrating things that happen.  Frustrating things caused by others to you, by them not understanding what you said, by them doing their own thing instead of what you asked them to do, by them……well, you know what I mean.   Then, just as you’re judging someone else about their deficiencies, muttering under your breath about them, and rolling your eyes at what they did or say, you turn around a commit a major faux pas (an embarrassing or tactless act ) yourself. 

Ah….pride goeth before the fall!

Here are my recent situations:

1.  My hair cut.  A friend cuts my hair and I love the way she cuts it.  At my last hair cut she told me her secret of never getting “butchered” or getting her hair cut too short.  She said, “I say I just want a nip off the ends.”  That means no length is cut, just a little evening out. 

So 10 days ago I went to her to get my hair cut.  I told her I wanted what she had said to do, just a nip off my sides---it was the back at the neck that needed the trimming.  45 minutes later I walked out with one inch cut off the sides and the back of the neck super short.

Frustration!  I hated my hair and I do NOT LIKE it to be that short.   It ruined my whole week and I grumbled every morning when I fixed my hair or looked in the mirror.

2.  The Bishop asked to talk to me, initiated by me, because I felt my service missionary work was overwhelming me and my ability to do my other ward calling.  I explained the amount of time I invest each week in my service as a missionary.  We talked for quite some time and he agreed that if I was overwhelmed, I would be released.  Finally at the end of the conversation, I said something again about being a service missionary, and he replied, “Doesn’t your service missionary work just take an hour a week?”  I replied in unbelief, “NO! It takes Tues and Thurs morning plus hours during the week preparing file folders of lesson plans for the other tutors to use.”  I had explained that 3 times in those same words during our conversation but he hadn’t understood.  I sometimes spend 6-8 hours a week and he thought I was only spending one.  I wondered how I could have explained my situation any differently.

Now for my Pride Fall.  Yesterday I realized I had forgotten to mail and text my really good friend a Happy Birthday.  Then, when I got home from Church and looked at the calendar, to my horror, I had forgotten to wish my out-of-state grandson happy birthday 3 days ago!  I have tried so hard this year to be better at sending birthday cards on time and singing Happy Birthday on my ukulele on Marco Polo.  And here I had forgotten twice!!

The lesson I am constantly relearning is this: no one is perfect.  We will all make mistakes.  Sometimes it will necessitate me forgiving someone, and sometimes it will be necessary for someone else to forgive me. And especially hard to do: I have to forgive myself as well. 

So today I’m laughing at myself.  It’s so easy for me to judge others and their shortcomings when I am just as bad!

Funny, funny Cathy!

And the good news is:  my hair has grown a tiny bit, I was released from my other calling and had it reaffirmed to me that the Bishop is interested in my life and is led by the Spirit.  I texted my friend yesterday and sang to my grandson belatedly an hour ago. 

Things are normal.  And good.  And that’s what life is all about!

Thanks for reading,

Cathy

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Parenting Tip-It's the little things that count!

I love reading about the thru hikers who hike the Appalachian Trail-- a 2,200 mile long trail that goes from Georgia to Maine. I dream that maybe some day I will hike it, but then I remember I don't like sleeping on the cold hard ground!  I bumped into a post on You Tube of a family of 7 hiking the whole trail (which takes several months) and the youngest child was only age two.  I watched several of their posts, envying their days of hiking and enjoying nature, that is, after it finally quit snowing for several weeks.  They were living a life with intention.

A couple of days ago I started reading a book about another family of 7 who took a year out of their normal lives to sail from the Caribbean to New York City with their five children (the youngest with Down Syndrome).  They had little money and little experience, but they had big dreams and lots of ambition.  They were living an intentional life.

Last night I started reading a book about following your ideas and dreams, though they may appear "stupid" and not achievable, and see where they can lead you.  Your idea may be the next million dollar start up business. 

I reflected on a conversation I had with a retired doctor who was volunteering at the same refugee center where I was teaching English.  I had asked him about his past and he told me his glorious life of traveling here and there and everywhere doctoring, teaching and doing wonderful things.  When I told him I had grown up on one street in Mesa and married and moved to the next street over and had raised my children there and still lived there--a street away from my parents-- he put his hand on my forehead and said, "Cathy, we need to get you some help!"

Yes, I have lived a pretty risk-free, non exciting sort of life.  I've only hiked a few miles on the Appalachian Trail when visiting grandchildren who live in Virginia, I have never been on a sailboat, but did get the courage, once, to ride on a water tube behind a boat in Tennessee. And I've never started a million dollar business from scratch , though I have had a piano studio for 43+ years.

I obviously could never write a book about my adventuresome life.  But I have lived a life that has been intentional, fulfilling and happy.  

I have intentionally stayed at home to raise, teach and nurture my children.  I have lived in one very small home with only one bathroom (for most of the time) and taught my children how to work, how to share and how to make do with what you have.

I have intentionally taught my children to love God and to serve others who not only live far away, but may live right in your neighborhood and are just as needy.

I have felt fulfilled as a mother as I watched all my children pay their way thru, and graduate from college, then marry fine individuals and are currently raising wonderful families.  I have felt fulfilled as a grandmother each time I babysit and play with my grandchildren.

I have felt overly and abundantly happy as I watch the sunset from my kitchen window while washing dishes, or hike in the desert with a cherished friend, or finally play a song on the banjo it has taken weeks to learn.

By small and simple things are great things brought to pass.
Alma 37:6-7

You don't have to do a great and grand adventure with your family.  You can, if you want.  But please don't underestimate the seemingly small and simple things you are doing every day.  The sense of peace and security you give to your children by living your "routinely, boring" day cannot be taken lightly.  It is HUGE! 

Take a close look at your day, at your life, and at your family and marriage.  Smile and acknowledge all the good you are doing.  Go be adventurous!  Go to the library, the museum, sit and help your child practice an instrument, draw, paint, run around in the backyard.  

Whoo whee!  Life is good!


Thanks for reading,

Cathy

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Parenting Tip - Parenting Teenagers

 You may have already seen or heard about Josh Shipp.  I just listened to one of his videos that was posted on Facebook--the place I see all the upcoming news and info.  I liked what I heard. He is being called the "teen whisperer".   He speaks common sense and comes from a background of being a troubled youth himself.

As my husband and I parented our children through their teen years, I always remembered what my mother said when she had 4 teenagers growing up in our home at the same time-- myself, my sister and two brothers.  She said,  "I loved having you all as teenagers.  You were the best kids, and it was so fun to be around you." 

Now that's NOT what the majority of parents would say.  And I don't think my siblings and I were perfect or abnormal.  But my parents had taught us to be respectful, honest, have faith in God and know that we were children of God and that He had a plan for our lives.  We did experience ups and downs and normal teenage disagreements with our parents, but we respected each other, listened to advice from our parents and more importantly, they listened to us.  We cooperated together, we supported each other and we loved each other and had fun together.

When I had my teenagers, I experienced the same thing.  They were good kids.  They were funny, respectful, hardworking, compassionate, and good students.  They knew God loved them and had a purpose for their lives.  We were blessed with children that would listen to us and honor our decisions. 

We were firm and a lot more strict than other parents.  I know, because they told me--often.  But all seven children have also told me later as adults, that they were glad we were so strict.  They were glad they had boundaries and limitations.

Teenagers have a lot of peer pressure to deal with.  But so do YOU as parents.  Don't cave into your peer pressure, Moms and Dads.  Don't go with the flow and let your children go and do what others are doing, just because it is easier and your adult friends are letting their children do things you feel uncomfortable with.  Have rules in your home.  Let your family set those rules and help everyone to understand why the rule is as it is.

If your teen is having mental health problems, medical problems or acting different, get help--don't let it slide until the problem is worse.

But most importantly, ENJOY your teenagers! 

Parenting Tip - You DO Make a Difference

For all mothers and women, and men, and....... and sisters and cousins.  For all of us.  This message will bring you comfort.

Maybe this mom didn't make the same choices you would have made, but we have all been where she has been and had those kind of days.  The key is to have the Spirit with us to know when to say "yes" to someone else's need or when to say "no" and put our needs and our family first. That's the hard part, knowing what choices to make.

But it's comforting to me to know that Heavenly Father cares about the "one".  So if we can help ONE, then we are choosing the best choice.  And sometimes that ONE will be yourself.

Thanks for reading,
Cathy

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Parenting Tip - Easy List vs Hard List

My daughter emailed me this and said I could post it on my blog:

"Lately it seems like everything I do is from the easy list. It's no wonder I feel like a flabby, grouchy, time waster. 

Before we came to earth I'm sure we were looking down at all the types of people and things we could do and promised ourselves we would not be wasters doing things on the easy list.  

It's obvious that the things that are worth anything are all on the hard list. After earth life is over, I want to be made up of the things on the hard list.  So why is it still hard?

Oh well, I guess I should stop philosophizing and get up and do something. I'm probably just feeling guilty that it's only 10am and I've already eaten not one but four of the kids' lunch treats... And as I know eating, making lists, and feeling guilty are all on the easy list!"

 

Isn't that so true?  All the easy things are not the BEST things.  It's that good, better, best idea, though there wasn't anything"good" on my daughter's easy list.  Ok, so if we think of the things we do every day as being on the "easy" list or the "hard" list, will that motivate us?  

My motivation comes from seeing the whole picture, and actually the end of the picture.  What is my goal?  To live together forever as a happy family.  Now what are the steps to reach that goal?  Well, nothing on the easy list, that's for sure!  

What motivates you to do things from your hard list?

Thanks for reading,

Cathy

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Parenting Tip - What Matters Most?

School has started for some moms around here, but summer is winding down for others, with school just around the corner.  It's time for a new season, new routines and time to re-evaluate goals you've set.

(The cones are a family tradition that my son's children look forward to.  It's a German tradition when a child starts kindergarten to be given a "Schultute"--school cone.  My daughter-in-law fills the cones with treats like ring pops and fun school and/or art supplies).

I'm in a new season myself, just having retired from teaching music part time at school for the last 15 years.  What do I do with my two extra free days now?   Oooooo, I can think of a millions things to do.  But what are the things that matter most?

I listened again to a wonderful talk by Dieter F. Uchtdorf who talks about "things that matter most".
He listed four key relationships we need to develop: with our God, with our families, with our fellowman, and with ourselves.

Sometimes I get so bogged down with my "to do" list, that I lose sight of what should be at the top of my "to do" list and what really only needs to be on my "to do" list. [Funny side note.  The first week of my retirement I started enthusiastically, and somewhat frantically, making a list of all the things I wanted to do now.  After writing down 19 things, I felt such relief in knowing that now, I could be focused on how to use my time.  I texted my daughter and said how good that felt to write out my list.  She replied saying that she must be my daughter, because that's exactly what she does all the time too--make lists!]

But, as Elder Uchtdorf says, "Let’s be honest; it’s rather easy to be busy. We all can think up a list of tasks that will overwhelm our schedules. Some might even think that their self-worth depends on the length of their to-do list."

Ouch!  So back to my list to re-evaluate what falls under the four relationships mentioned above and what is just busy work, taking me away from what matters most.

Perhaps you could evaluate this new season in your life.  Do you still have preschoolers at home?  Are all your children in school now?  Are you home schooling your children?  Are you babysitting to make a little more money?

Regardless of your situation, you can still focus on the four above mentioned areas of your life to see if you are working on your important relationships.  Relationship with your God:  maybe that only means 10 minutes of scripture/meditation a day, but 10 minutes times 365 days is 3,650 minutes which is more than 60 hours which is 2 1/2 days.  Just think of the love, wisdom and advice you could get from your Father who loves you, if He talked to just you for 2 1/2 days straight.

Relationship with your family.  Well, that's vital to your family's health and well being.  Plan your together time with family wisely.  Use driving in the car time to listen to your children.  Look into your child's eyes when he is telling you about his day (uummm.... not while driving though).  Problem solve meal times so they are more pleasant. Let your child read to you.

Relationship with your fellowman.  Volunteer at school, only if it's to send cookies for a party.  Be dependable in your service at Church.  Smile at the cashier and wave to your neighbor.  These seemingly small things do count--especially if your season of life limits any big projects of service.

Relationship with yourself.  Elder Uchtdorf said,  "Some people can’t get along with themselves. They criticize and belittle themselves all day long until they begin to hate themselves. May I suggest that you reduce the rush and take a little extra time to get to know yourself better. Walk in nature, watch a sunrise, enjoy God’s creations, ponder the truths of the restored gospel, and find out what they mean for you personally. Learn to see yourself as Heavenly Father sees you—as His precious daughter or son with divine potential."

 It's a new season.  Find out what matters most in your life, then DO IT!

Thanks for reading,

Cathy

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Good, Better, Best

  I especially think these ideas are relevant to lots of families:
**Super family activities may be good for children, but they are not always better than one-on-one time with a loving parent.

 **The amount of children-and-parent time absorbed in the good activities of private lessons, team sports, and other school and club activities also needs to be carefully regulated. Otherwise, children will be over scheduled, and parents will be frazzled and frustrated.

 **Parents should act to preserve time for family prayer, family scripture study, family home evening, and the other precious togetherness and individual one-on-one time that binds a family together and fixes children’s values on things of eternal worth.

 **Family experts have warned against what they call “the overscheduling of children.” In the last generation children are far busier and families spend far less time together. Among many measures of this disturbing trend are the reports that structured sports time has doubled, but children’s free time has declined by 12 hours per week, and unstructured outdoor activities have fallen by 50 percent.

 **The time a family spends together “eating meals at home [is] the strongest predictor of children’s academic achievement and psychological adjustment.

 **Team sports and technology toys like video games and the Internet are already winning away the time of our children and youth. Surfing the Internet is not better than serving the Lord or strengthening the family.

I, for one, am going to look at my activities and see which ones are good, better and best.  Then I need to be BRAVE enough to change some of them.  

Today is a good day to look at your family's activities.  Some things you may need to change, and it may mean going against the popular things your friends are doing with their children.  But be BRAVE.  Choose the BEST!

Thanks for reading,

Cathy

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Parenting Tip - The Stubborn Child

Here's part of an email I wrote to one of my daughters after she asked for advice.  Maybe it will help someone else as well.


How to make your kids a priority in your life and how to enjoy them and feel love for them.
*  Make a joy journal--no requirements, or rules to do it every week-- just jot down things randomly whenever you see something your children have done to make you smile or feel joyful.  Keep the journal in plain sight in your bedroom so you don't forget to write in it.

*  Pray to feel charity for your children.

*Read about the age group characteristics of your children so you're not frustrated at normal things they do and you can understand why they're acting the way they are.

* Do fun things with them that YOU like to do whether it's reading out loud, making videos, cooking, watching a movie and eating popcorn, singing, etc.

* Read about the 5 kinds of love and figure out what you and they and your husband need--  physical touch, words of appreciation, service, gifts, quality time

Dealing with a stubborn child
* Talk to her about how people communicate differently.  It's okay if it's hard to verbalize her feelings when she's mad, though it's something that needs to be worked on to become a strength later on in her life.  Communicate to her through letters--maybe she'll become a great writer with all her practice in writing letters back to you. 

* Communicate your love through notes to her left here and there.

* Give her a journal that she can write in and you won't read.

* When she's angry give her a direction that can help her express her feelings like, "Write down 2 things about why you're mad," or "Write down 2 things why you don't want to do this....".

*Have her color her feelings.  "Go draw a mean angry picture about how you feel right now".

*What is she interested in?  Notice her and what she does in her spare time.  Then encourage and join her in that activity sometimes.

*Use the rewind idea.  When she's talking disrespectfully, ask her to rewind and say it with a different tone or nicer words.  Ask your kids to help you with your tone of voice.  Many times I've caught myself saying okay words, but my tone of voice was degrading and rude. 

*Be off the wall and fun when a "mood" is threatening.  Talk with a southern accent, or an English prim and proper tone or a Chinese accent.  I do this at school when I'm frustrated with a class and it charms them like nothing else.  Or get in a karate pose and jump and kick all over the room, then when you have her attention, sweetly give directions or restate the problem, then walk away into  another room, letting your actions tell her you are assuming that she is following through on whatever the problem or direction was. (The karate stuff lets you get your frustrations and anger out, too!)

* Hug and kiss your stubborn child and say, "You just need some love and attention."  After smothering her with love and kisses, repeat what she needs to do, and walk away-- allowing her to choose to do it or suffer the natural consequences.

* Maybe your child can only get your attention through being stubborn.  Try giving lots of attention and positive reinforcement and see if the stubbornness subsides.

* Kneel down by your child and offer a prayer out loud. Simply say that you and she are having a frustrating time, but that you love your child so much and want to try and help her.  Ask God to help you understand your daughter.  Mention the things that you love about your daughter--her abilities and cuteness.  Close the prayer, hug your child, then rock her, smooth her hair and wait to see what happens.

Just remember, a stubborn child is hurting somehow.  Pray to find out what the reason is, then try to address the issue.

Good luck!

Thanks for reading,
Cathy

Pictures from The Pout-Pout Fish by Deborah Diesen
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Parenting Tip #70 The DAT Formula

Have you heard of the DAT Formula? This is for parents who do a good job of parenting but still want to improve.
D stands for decibels. Turn your volume down when speaking to your children. Be calm.
A is for agency. Give your children simple choices to make. This actually shows your children that you trust and respect them.
T is for tone. Do you use the same respectful tone when you speak to your children as you do when speaking to colleagues and friends?

The DAT Formula is just one of the ideas I got from a new parenting book I was asked to review. It is written by the New York Times #1 Bestselling authors, Richard and Linda Eyre. It’s called 5 Spiritual Solutions for Everyday Parenting Challenges. I wish it would have been written earlier when I was raising my seven children. It would have saved me from a lot of worry and guilt about whether I was doing this right or did I say that wrong.

The 5 solutions are to remember. Remember your children’s true identity, remember God’s parenting patterns, remember your direct channel to the Father, remember the Church’s “scaffolding” and remember the Savior’s Power.

A feature I really like about the book is at the end of each chapter. It’s a list of good things that will happen to your children when you remember the solution in the chapter and also a list of bad things that this solution will help your children avoid or overcome.

In the chapter on remembering the Savior’s Power, an incident was told about a fireside that was held with a Church leader. The leader opened it up for questions. A young father asked “How can I have more spiritual experiences? I had them all the time on my mission!”

The Church leader told him to “Use the priesthood more.”

How do you use the priesthood more? Give a young daughter a blessing before the test she is so worried about. Give a little boy having a hard time learning to read a blessing. Give a son a blessing because he is troubled about an inappropriate movie he saw at a friend’s house. Give a wife a blessing so she can handle the stress of the upcoming week. Remember the power of the Savior’s love for us.