Parenting Tip - Will They Remember?

For the past 3 months I have been teaching home schooled children how to play the ukulele.  They have been coming to my home once a week to learn songs, and now for the past month we have been performing them at retirement centers.

Yesterday I took my ukulele group to a private home to sing and play for the residents living there.  The husband and wife of this home care for 6 elderly women plus the wife's mother.  You immediately felt love and peace upon walking into their home.

The husband introduced all the women and told us their names and a little about their backgrounds.  All were wonderful women who had accomplished much in their lives.  One had taught school for 40 years, a couple of the women were musicians, one had something to do with the opera, and one had served with her husband when he was a mission president for the LDS Church and when he was temple president of the Snowflake LDS Temple.  Then the man said, "but they won't remember anything after you leave, so don't worry about making any mistakes!  In fact you could come back tomorrow and they wouldn't remember you."

We had a wonderful time playing for them, and I am always energized after these performances and visits with the elderly.  They are so sweet and appreciative of everything you do and they LOVE the children.  We were invited to come back often.  But as I drove home I kept thinking, "So what's the use.  Why did I spend time going there and why should I go back again if they won't even remember that we have been there."

I know deep inside that we should show kindnesses to everyone, but what if they forget our kindnesses?????  Then I thought  if my mother or father were suffering from dementia or Alzheimer's, I certainly would want people coming and visiting them to bring them joy and happiness, even if it only lasted a half hour.

I was thinking about all these things while driving, and was almost home and sitting at a green light, waiting to turn left, when I saw a little tiny dog running on the street between two oncoming cars.  It suddenly veered into one of the cars and was hit and immediately killed.  I thought about how important one moment was to him--life and death.  Then I thought about how important moments are to those who won't remember with their physical minds, but will remember with their spiritual minds.

I thought about babies who won't remember the love and singing and hugs and kisses we lavish on them as infants.  I thought about the toddlers and preschoolers who won't remember the picnics and toys and games we played with them for countless hours. 

But though they may not remember the exact moments we shared, they will remember the feeling of love they received from us and the special ties they have as they continue growing and begin to remember fun times. 

It's those drops of water, adding one at a time that makes an ocean.  It's the love and strength of that love that ties them to us forever.  And when they are parents, and hugging and kissing their babies, they'll know. In the eternities they will remember.  It is so worth it to make the memories now!

Thanks for reading,

Cathy

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Parenting Tip - Daily Checklist for my Children

Are you a LIST person?  Do you make lists and check them off?  I definitely am a list person--so is my mother--so are my 3 daughters.  If I do something during the day that isn't on my list, I write it on just so I can check it off.

So you can imagine my excitement when hearing about the book: The Checklist Manifesto: How to Get Things Right by Atul Gawande.  It was a great read.  Atul Gawande is a surgeon in the United States.  He is concerned about the errors made by the medical field when treating patients and though he realizes the complexity and variety of medical issues and treatments there are, he wonders if some sort of "checklist" can be used to lessen the degree of errors--and deaths.

Dr. Gawande studied and interviewed people in the airline industry.  We are all acquainted with a pilot's checklist, the one he goes through before taking off.  What ideas could the medical field use from their checklist?  The author also researched the skyscraper industry; how do they ensure they are building safe skyscrapers with all the steps that are required to build something that tall?

Reading this book made me excited to apply the author's ideas into my own life.  How could a checklist help me make sure I am living my life without "error" and that I am building the best person I can build?

I remember as a young mother discussing this very idea with two close friends.  I made a list of what I wanted my children to learn before they became adults and then set goals to make sure I was teaching them properly. 

I wondered what a mother would put on a daily checklist.  Here's an idea:

 

There's no mention of music lessons, sports, or gymnastics on the daily checklist.  While those activities do enhance and develop your child's abilities, they certainly aren't required to produce an outstanding, responsible young adult.                                                                                                  

 So what would you put on a daily checklist?  Did I forget some essential items?

Thanks for reading,
Cathy

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Parenting Tip - The Stubborn Child

Here's part of an email I wrote to one of my daughters after she asked for advice.  Maybe it will help someone else as well.


How to make your kids a priority in your life and how to enjoy them and feel love for them.
*  Make a joy journal--no requirements, or rules to do it every week-- just jot down things randomly whenever you see something your children have done to make you smile or feel joyful.  Keep the journal in plain sight in your bedroom so you don't forget to write in it.

*  Pray to feel charity for your children.

*Read about the age group characteristics of your children so you're not frustrated at normal things they do and you can understand why they're acting the way they are.

* Do fun things with them that YOU like to do whether it's reading out loud, making videos, cooking, watching a movie and eating popcorn, singing, etc.

* Read about the 5 kinds of love and figure out what you and they and your husband need--  physical touch, words of appreciation, service, gifts, quality time

Dealing with a stubborn child
* Talk to her about how people communicate differently.  It's okay if it's hard to verbalize her feelings when she's mad, though it's something that needs to be worked on to become a strength later on in her life.  Communicate to her through letters--maybe she'll become a great writer with all her practice in writing letters back to you. 

* Communicate your love through notes to her left here and there.

* Give her a journal that she can write in and you won't read.

* When she's angry give her a direction that can help her express her feelings like, "Write down 2 things about why you're mad," or "Write down 2 things why you don't want to do this....".

*Have her color her feelings.  "Go draw a mean angry picture about how you feel right now".

*What is she interested in?  Notice her and what she does in her spare time.  Then encourage and join her in that activity sometimes.

*Use the rewind idea.  When she's talking disrespectfully, ask her to rewind and say it with a different tone or nicer words.  Ask your kids to help you with your tone of voice.  Many times I've caught myself saying okay words, but my tone of voice was degrading and rude. 

*Be off the wall and fun when a "mood" is threatening.  Talk with a southern accent, or an English prim and proper tone or a Chinese accent.  I do this at school when I'm frustrated with a class and it charms them like nothing else.  Or get in a karate pose and jump and kick all over the room, then when you have her attention, sweetly give directions or restate the problem, then walk away into  another room, letting your actions tell her you are assuming that she is following through on whatever the problem or direction was. (The karate stuff lets you get your frustrations and anger out, too!)

* Hug and kiss your stubborn child and say, "You just need some love and attention."  After smothering her with love and kisses, repeat what she needs to do, and walk away-- allowing her to choose to do it or suffer the natural consequences.

* Maybe your child can only get your attention through being stubborn.  Try giving lots of attention and positive reinforcement and see if the stubbornness subsides.

* Kneel down by your child and offer a prayer out loud. Simply say that you and she are having a frustrating time, but that you love your child so much and want to try and help her.  Ask God to help you understand your daughter.  Mention the things that you love about your daughter--her abilities and cuteness.  Close the prayer, hug your child, then rock her, smooth her hair and wait to see what happens.

Just remember, a stubborn child is hurting somehow.  Pray to find out what the reason is, then try to address the issue.

Good luck!

Thanks for reading,
Cathy

Pictures from The Pout-Pout Fish by Deborah Diesen
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Parenting Tip #50 They are never too big

I watched a mother in Church one Sunday. Her big four year old son was sitting on her lap. Her 18 month old daughter was being taken care of by the older siblings and Dad. Her son sat on her lap the whole time during Church, interacting quietly with her, eating fruit snacks, looking at a book, and more importantly, feeling surrounded in her love.

I thought back to my 2nd oldest son when he was 7 or 8 years old. As soon as we sat down on our pew in Church, there he was, sitting on my lap. I remember thinking to myself, “I wonder when he is going to feel too big and embarrassed to want to sit on my lap?” I was happy he wanted my love and I knew because he was only 14 months older than his younger brother, that he needed to feel that physical love and attention from me.

I teach piano lessons to an 8 year old boy. His dad brings him and his younger sister to my home where they meet up with mom-who is coming straight from work. During the younger sister’s piano lesson, I notice the 8 year old constantly trying to get his mother’s attention by wanting to sit by her on the couch and lean against her. She shoos him away to the other couch and tells him to do his homework. I ache to say, “Please give your son a hug. He wants your physical touch and words of love so much.”

Our children are never too big to not want our hugs, kisses, and spoken words of love. Whether your child is 8 weeks old or 18 years old, give him a hug and tell him you love him. Today. And every day!