Parenting Tip- Adult Whining

While I was writing the blog post about whining children, I began to get an uncomfortable feeling--did I whine--and to whom?

Dictionary.com's definition is:

to utter a low, usually nasal, complaining cry or sound, as from uneasiness, discontent, peevishness, etc.:The puppies were whining from hunger.to snivel or complain in a peevish, self-pitying way:He is always whining about his problems.verb (used with object), whined, whin·ing.to utter with or as if with a whine:I whined my litany of complaints.

 Suddenly I had memories of myself talking to my son about my laptop which wasn't working, and whining about not knowing how to fix it.  But worse, I remembered many of my prayers where I presented Heavenly Father a list of my problems and family members who needed help and asked Him to fix everything. Did I pray "in a peevish, self-pitying way" and "utter my prayers with or as if with a whine"?

I began to seriously think about how I prayed and pondered if I was whining when I prayed.
We are told to " Cry unto him over the crops of your fields, that ye may prosper in them.

25 Cry over the flocks of your fields, that they may increase.

26 But this is not all; ye must ^apour out your souls in your ^bclosets, and your secret places, and in your wilderness.

27 Yea, and when you do not cry unto the Lord, let your ^ahearts be ^bfull, drawn out in prayer unto him continually for your ^cwelfare, and also for the welfare of ^dthose who are around you.Alma 34: 24"

So if we are told to cry continually for our welfare, doesn't that sound like whining?  I decided it depends totally on our ATTITUDE and FEELINGS when we pray.

Do we pray with humbleness in our hearts? Do we acknowledge our love to our Father in Heaven and pray with this feeling of love and reverence?  Do we ask the Lord for His mercy and grace in our lives, knowing He loves us, too?  Do we have faith in accepting His timing as we pray over our problems and ask for help?  Do we acknowledge our willingness to grow in our struggles and see the strength we are receiving? Do we stop to see and thank Him for the tender blessings and mercies bestowed on us each day?  Do we rejoice and praise the Lord for His goodness and love?

If I can answer YES to each of those questions, then I realized I am not whining. Whew! I am actually talking to my Father in Heaven and discussing my needs and desires.  I am explaining my situation and trying to get help and understanding in solving my problems.  It's actually exhilarating, enabling and humbling to really talk with Heavenly Father on a one on one basis and listen for his direction and have His ideas come to my mind during my prayers.  

Prayer really can be a conversation, a discussion with my Father.  And when I am filled with love for and accept His love for me, then that conversation is never whining. 

Thanks for reading,

Cathy

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Parenting Tip-It's the little things that count!

I love reading about the thru hikers who hike the Appalachian Trail-- a 2,200 mile long trail that goes from Georgia to Maine. I dream that maybe some day I will hike it, but then I remember I don't like sleeping on the cold hard ground!  I bumped into a post on You Tube of a family of 7 hiking the whole trail (which takes several months) and the youngest child was only age two.  I watched several of their posts, envying their days of hiking and enjoying nature, that is, after it finally quit snowing for several weeks.  They were living a life with intention.

A couple of days ago I started reading a book about another family of 7 who took a year out of their normal lives to sail from the Caribbean to New York City with their five children (the youngest with Down Syndrome).  They had little money and little experience, but they had big dreams and lots of ambition.  They were living an intentional life.

Last night I started reading a book about following your ideas and dreams, though they may appear "stupid" and not achievable, and see where they can lead you.  Your idea may be the next million dollar start up business. 

I reflected on a conversation I had with a retired doctor who was volunteering at the same refugee center where I was teaching English.  I had asked him about his past and he told me his glorious life of traveling here and there and everywhere doctoring, teaching and doing wonderful things.  When I told him I had grown up on one street in Mesa and married and moved to the next street over and had raised my children there and still lived there--a street away from my parents-- he put his hand on my forehead and said, "Cathy, we need to get you some help!"

Yes, I have lived a pretty risk-free, non exciting sort of life.  I've only hiked a few miles on the Appalachian Trail when visiting grandchildren who live in Virginia, I have never been on a sailboat, but did get the courage, once, to ride on a water tube behind a boat in Tennessee. And I've never started a million dollar business from scratch , though I have had a piano studio for 43+ years.

I obviously could never write a book about my adventuresome life.  But I have lived a life that has been intentional, fulfilling and happy.  

I have intentionally stayed at home to raise, teach and nurture my children.  I have lived in one very small home with only one bathroom (for most of the time) and taught my children how to work, how to share and how to make do with what you have.

I have intentionally taught my children to love God and to serve others who not only live far away, but may live right in your neighborhood and are just as needy.

I have felt fulfilled as a mother as I watched all my children pay their way thru, and graduate from college, then marry fine individuals and are currently raising wonderful families.  I have felt fulfilled as a grandmother each time I babysit and play with my grandchildren.

I have felt overly and abundantly happy as I watch the sunset from my kitchen window while washing dishes, or hike in the desert with a cherished friend, or finally play a song on the banjo it has taken weeks to learn.

By small and simple things are great things brought to pass.
Alma 37:6-7

You don't have to do a great and grand adventure with your family.  You can, if you want.  But please don't underestimate the seemingly small and simple things you are doing every day.  The sense of peace and security you give to your children by living your "routinely, boring" day cannot be taken lightly.  It is HUGE! 

Take a close look at your day, at your life, and at your family and marriage.  Smile and acknowledge all the good you are doing.  Go be adventurous!  Go to the library, the museum, sit and help your child practice an instrument, draw, paint, run around in the backyard.  

Whoo whee!  Life is good!


Thanks for reading,

Cathy

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Parenting Tip - Is Your Child an Upholder, Obliger, Questioner or Rebel (read as Strong-willed)?

I really like many of the books Gretchen Rubin has written, but I’m obsessed with her newest book, The Four Tendencies.

This is what she says about it on her website:

During my multibook investigation into human nature, I realized that by asking the suspiciously simple question “How do I respond to expectations?” we gain explosive self-knowledge.

I discovered that people fit into Four Tendencies: Upholders, Questioners, Obligers, and Rebels. Our Tendency shapes every aspect of our behavior, so understanding this framework lets us make better decisions, meet deadlines, suffer less stress and burnout, and engage more effectively. The Four Tendencies explain why we act and why we don’t act.

I am an Obliger (you can take a quick quiz here to find out what tendency you are ).  Knowing this has made my life easier.  I understand why I do some of the things I do and know how to deal with other aspects of my life, like accomplishing goals or saying no to people.  I think it is important to understand our family members and realize their tendencies—especially our spouses and children.  It can make family life so much more enjoyable when we understand why people act and respond the way they do.  Then we can change the way we approach our spouse or child so we can have win-win experiences and less conflicts.

Here are the Tendencies in a nutshell:

The Upholder Tendency

Upholders are those people who readily respond to outer and inner expectations alike.   They meet work or school deadlines as well as keep goals they set for themselves.

Strengths:  Upholders can set goals and ideals for themselves and stick to it.  They follow rules. They also fulfill expectations that others have for them.  They love schedules and routines.  They like to know what is expected of them and don’t like to make mistakes.

Weaknesses:  Upholders don’t like to have their schedules changed.  They are uncomfortable if they can’t follow the rules or expectations teachers or others have put on them.  They want to follow them whether they are sensible or not. They don’t like change and can be inflexible and rigid.

Dealing with an Upholder Child

Parents may enjoy having children who are Upholders because they don’t have to nag them about doing homework or practicing the piano. They plan ahead and have their softball equipment ready and like to arrive at school on time or even early.

The Upholder child doesn’t like to change his schedule.  If he needs to read 30 minutes a day for school he has a hard time letting that go if a busy day prohibits it. He has a hard time letting a task go not quite completed such as a book report project he feels he needs more time on.

Be careful about unintentionally adding an expectation or suggesting unnecessary rules.  An upholder child will exert a lot of energy toward trying to meet it.  The author states that an offhand remark like, “you should enter the spelling bee” might set off an unintended stressful chain reaction.

In dealing with an Upholder child, address his tendency value: “You like to do things that are expected of you”, “you like to be on time”, or “you like to finish your projects”.  But then address the issue in a logical way such as, “your teacher will understand that you can only read 15 minutes on some days”, or “it’s more important to go the speed limit and be safe than to be extra early to school”.

The Questioner Tendency

We all have inner expectations—things we want to do, and outer expectations—what others want us to do.  Questioners only do things that are inner expectations and only those outer expectations that they have turned into inner expectations.  Questioners want information, logic and efficiency.  They want to gather the facts and decide for themselves if something is legitimate to do, the best thing to buy, or the right thing to follow. They like logical conclusions and will research options until they are convinced.

Strengths:  Once Questioners are resolved to do something, they follow through and are reliable. They don’t just accept the traditional way to do things, so may come up with new solutions to problems or situations.

Weaknesses:  When Questioners don’t accept the justification for an expectation, they refuse to meet it.  Rules may seem arbitrary or make no sense.  When wanting to purchase an item, they may research and question so much, they can’t come to a conclusion and make a decision.

Dealing with a Questioner Child

A child who is a questioner does not accept phrases like, “because I said so”, or that’s the rule”. Questioners want to understand the “why” of doing something, and once they do, they are more willing to comply.  Why is piano practicing important?  Why should I learn the multiplication tables? Why does my school require uniforms?

Parents or teachers who are dealing with a child’s refusal to do something should find out why the child is refusing, then help the child understand the reasons behind the issue.  Help him find the justification for doing what he doesn’t want to do.  Why do I have to sit in my car seat?   Because it’s the law and you don’t want Mommy to have to pay a fine.  Why do I have to eat my vegetables?  Because they will make you healthy and strong so you can hit a home run some day.

The Obliger Tendency

Throughout a day, week and month, people are always asking us to do things.  The Obliger can accomplish things someone else asks her to do, but has a hard time meeting expectations that only she puts on herself.  For example, when you were in school, you could meet your English deadlines, but now you have a hard time consistently writing in your journal.

Obligers needs accountability.  Someone who is expecting them to bring them the results they’ve asked for.  If you are on a team and training for a game, you don’t want to let your teammates down, so you run every morning.  But after the season is over, you can’t get yourself to run anymore.  The accountability has disappeared.

Strengths:  Obligers get things done!  They volunteer, help out, and meet deadlines.  They make great leaders, team members, friends and family members.

Weaknesses:  Obligers have a hard time meeting their own needs and desires.  They need to feel accountable to someone in order to meet the goals they’ve set for themselves.  This is my tendency.  I used to always announce to my children that I would give them $10 if they saw me eat any more cookies the rest of the day.  Then it was easy for me to not eat any more.

If Obligers get overwhelmed by constant demands they are trying to meet of others, they can have a meltdown—which is usually not pretty.  They go into Obliger-Rebellion and resist doing anything.   Family members need to be aware of Obligers in their home, and help them not get overwhelmed, by helping them say “no” when necessary.  They can also provide accountability to help them reach their goals.

Dealing with an Obliger Child

I was delighted to read the author’s example when dealing with an Obliger child (which she says is sometimes hard to pick out).  She gave the example of piano practicing and said there needs to be accountability like having a practice chart, a parent’s gentle reminder or a teacher who says, “I can tell if you’ve been practicing or not.”

Help your Obliger child create accountability by enrolling him in classes, making job charts, having family rules, etc.  But be aware so your child does not begin feeling overwhelmed by meeting everyone’s needs but his own.

The Rebel Tendency

Rebels don’t want anyone telling them what to do, including themselves! They resist all efforts when someone asks them to do something and have a hard time getting themselves to do something they want to do.  For Rebels, being able to choose and have freedom of self-expression is vitally important. They respond better to people asking their opinion rather than being told to do something.

Strengths:  They don’t cave into peer pressure.  They enjoy meeting challenges especially when someone says it will be too hard to do. Rebels do things their way and want their lives to exhibit their values.

Weaknesses:  Rebels don’t like to be told to do something and resist commands and control over themselves.  They want to do things in their own way and in their own time.  They have a hard time sticking to a schedule.

Dealing with a Rebel Child (my daughter prefers to call them Strong-willed children and I agree)

Strong-willed children are hard to deal with. They want to make their own choices.  The best way to handle them is to give them information, tell them what the consequences are, and let them make their choice. And don’t watch them—then they think there is an expectation and will rebel and not choose.

Strong-willed children need to feel the consequence of their choices, be it good or bad. Strong-willed  children are motivated by identity.  Explain the situation:  “When you’re always late and delay our leaving, I feel like I can’t trust you.  Do you want to be trustworthy or not--your choice."  Make things fun for the strong-willed child.  Make up games when you’re brushing your child’s teeth or sing silly songs.  Strong-willed children like challenges: “Bet you can’t get dressed before Daddy does”.  Let them choose: “You can eat a snack, do your homework now, and then play before dinner or you can eat a snack and play first.  But if you don’t finish your homework before dinner, you will have to finish it after dinner and not have time for me to play a game with you before bedtime.  It’s your choice.” Then allow them time and space to make their choice.

In reviewing how to deal with children in these four tendencies, it seems to me that parents should use lots of common sense.  It shouldn’t be a nerve wrecking decision trying to decide what is the correct thing to say to your obliger child compared to what to say to your strong -willed child.  Good parenting  techniques cover all types and personalities of children.  In summary, here are some basic, sound ideas that work well in dealing with any and all types of children:

1.       Explain the situation to your child when a conflict arises.  Appeal to his sense of value.

2.       Listen to your child to understand what his needs are that are not being met.

3.       Explain the “why” behind rules and “why” you are asking for a certain behavior from your child.

4.       Make charts and give positive reinforcement to help establish new habits and outcomes.

5.       Give information, consequences and choice to your child.

6.       Let your child suffer the consequences of his choice and actions.

7.       Have fun with your child, make up games and challenges to spice up daily routines.

I hope this information has been helpful.  Now apply it to your spouse!

Thanks for reading,

Cathy

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Music Tip - Teach Your Baby Sign Language

It's so frustrating not to be able to communicate--whether you're in a different country where they speak a different language, or on the computer with it's different language.  How about if you're trying to communicate with your teenager (who speaks a different language at times!) or even your baby/toddler!

If you're visiting a different country, a dictionary helps somewhat, and if you're on the computer, your younger children can help you (ha, ha!).  Communicating with teenagers can be challenging and  rewarding, BUT talking with your baby is an unbelievable thrill!

You can communicate with your baby through sign language!
From age 8 months to 2 years your baby begins to know what he wants and needs, but does not have the skills to express his needs to you, his mother.  How frustrating for your baby and you.  By knowing a few basic signs such as milk, play, eat, sleepy, water and so on, you can ask your baby what he wants, and he can tell you what he needs.

Plus, it's so fun!! Involve your whole family in signing basic words.  Repetition is the key to success.  After several weeks of signing words (while saying them, of course) your 8-10 month old baby may start attempting to sign the words as well.  Her signs may be just approximate gestures to the ones that you are using, since her fine motor skills have not developed fully, but she'll definitely be signing a word and you'll know what it is.

There are several websites that give basic signs to begin your signing adventure.

Just choose a couple of signs like mommy and daddy, or eat and play, then incorporate the signs with your words throughout the coming days and weeks.  Don't get discouraged if your baby doesn't immediately respond and sign back.  It takes TIME to learn, digest information and be able to respond and perform it back.

If you live in the Mesa area, join my baby signing music class!

Music + sign language =  a whole lot of fun!

Thanks for reading,
Cathy

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Parenting Tip - Get Outside

This is a blog post for anyone who is a little down in the dumps.  Or sad.  Or worried.  Or stressed. Or mad.             

That's my advice.  I know it helps because I've been there before; mad, sad, stressed and worried, and every time, I'll come home from a walk feeling lighter, happier and more hopeful.


A few years ago when I turned 40, I became worried about all the candy bars I had--and was still--eating.  I decided I needed to take charge of my life, if I wanted to have a healthy old age.  So I started walking in the mornings, and I haven't quit.  I love walking!



Then when I turned 50, I started hiking once a week with a friend.  I love hiking!  You're out in nature, you see God's handiwork and you talk and talk with a friend.  It's even better than eating a candy bar!


 When I'm walking or hiking my outlook changes.  My perspective broadens and I'm not microscoping in on my problems. 


 In fact, my problems shrink in size when I look at mountain tops and gaze down into valleys.  When I walk by cacti, flowers and trees, I see God's love for me in a wide lens. I feel stronger, able to handle my situation.  I feel gratitude for God and see His tender mercies in my life.  I start to see analogies in nature and relate them to my life.  I'm energized!

But sometimes it's impossible to go for a walk either because of health issues, kid issues or time constraints.  So here are some good, better, best options when the outdoors are just not available.

Good:  Sit by the window and look outside at the sky, the clouds, the birds and the trees and flowers.
Better:  Pull up the blinds and really look outside, up and down, back and forth.
Best:  Put on some music and admire the great outdoors, thoroughly enjoying the sky, flowers and trees.

If you are able to go for a walk, here are some good, better, best options as well.

Good: Walk slow to begin with, then increase your pace.
Better:  As you walk, notice nature.  Look up and enjoy the sky and clouds. Notice the birds.  Look at the architecture of the houses and buildings you pass by.
Best:  Find a beautiful park to walk in and listen to  music or a podcast as you walk.  Jog for a few seconds, here and there during your walk.  Enjoy nature.

And finally, if you can go for a hike:

Good:  Go with a friend.  Talk about cooking, problems, frustrations.  
Better:  Notice the birds and rabbits and lizards.  Draw strength and serenity from the open sky, the mountains, the trees. Gaze down from your trail and see how small everything looks below.  Notice how far you have come.  
Best:  Suddenly your problems and cares become miniscule and your heart enlarges and expands with love and optimism. 

Thanks for reading.....
Now go walking,
Cathy

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Parenting Tip - Stop It!

I recently saw an old clip of Bob Newhart.  His patient was telling him that she was terrified of being buried alive in a box.  She went on and on about her fears and how they were restricting her activities and causing her problems.

Bob then replied that he could cure her with two words:  STOP IT!  He told her to stop thinking about being buried alive.  Stop thinking about her fears.  That was it.  Case closed.  She would be cured if she would just STOP IT. Well, naturally, she wasn't sold on his advice.

This made me think about how many times I would tell my children to stop it.  Stop being so noisy, stop leaving your clothes on the floor, stop fighting with your brother, stop complaining.  You get the idea.....But did it work?  Did they STOP?  No, of course not.

I think that in order to stop something, you have to start something else.  You have to replace the wrong behavior with a better behavior.  Instead of telling your child to stop being noisy, ask him if he can whisper quieter than you can or ask him funny questions in a whisper so he has to listen carefully to hear you.  Instead of telling your children to stop leaving their clothes on the floor, tell them to start hanging them on the spiderman hook you just bought and hung up or start putting their dirty clothes in the flower laundry basket in their room.

If you're in the car, instead of telling your children to stop fighting, ask them to start counting how many white cars they see driving down the street.If you're home and they're fighting, ask them to count how many windows are in your whole house.

Get it?  Distract them from the wrong thoughts, behaviors and actions and give them new actions, thoughts and things to do.  You can't take away something --without replacing it with something else;  that would be negative space, a black hole, a void.

It works for adults too.  I'm going to STOP wasting time on the computer.  Instead, I will make a list of things I need/want to do and look at the list when I have a few moments to kill.

So my advice, Bob Newhart, would be to START IT! 

Thanks for reading,

Cathy

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Parenting Tip #58 Conversations 5 years in Advance?

I was listening to a speaker at a Church conference last month and she said something that caught my attention. The speaker was Rosemary Wixom, Primary General President for the LDS Church (Primary is for children age 18 months – 11 years of age). She said, “The world will teach our children if we do not, and children are capable of learning all the world will teach them at a very young age. What we want them to know five years from now needs to be part of our conversation with them today.”
http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-1298-3,00.html

What an interesting thought. What things do we need to be talking to our children about?
We can’t expect our 13 year old daughter to understand our saying NO when she wants to wear a halter top if we haven't been teaching her what modesty and immodesty means. We can’t expect our son to play on a ball team or play during recess and not come home and swear if we haven’t taught him that there are some words we do not say. We can’t expect our daughter to not cheat in school if we haven’t taught her it is dishonest to look on another person’s test paper and copy the answers. We can’t expect our son to not want to get a tattoo or smoke or drink if we haven’t taught him that his body is a gift from God and should be treated with respect.

“The world will teach our children if we do not…” Now that’s a scary thought! What should we be teaching? We need to be teaching our children about God, about how to be a good friend (starting with their siblings), about honesty, about listening and respecting their teachers, about the importance of voting, about dating and what age they should group date and single date. We need to teach them The Golden Rule, the 10 Commandments, the importance of serving others, and why they shouldn’t judge others.

Our conversations should be about how to find true happiness, how to follow Jesus, why we obey our parents and leaders. If we talk about these kinds of things, our children will be prepared for the future and can meet it with less difficulty. They’ll sail through their teen age years with a strong foundation of true principles.

My daughter was in the middle of making cookies with her 3 year old son. She asked, “what do we do now?” He matter of factly replied, “look in the scriptures.” I guess my daughter has been having good conversations with him. He knows where to look for answers.