2021 Mother’s Day Advice

Help your family accept each other’s differences and see the value in people being different.

There is so much discord in the world today. We saw it through the recent election, through the racial tension, and through the pandemic. We still see it with judging others for not wearing a mask, or for wearing a mask, for not liking or liking Biden, or for getting the vaccine or not getting it.

We can also see discord in our family members. Just because you are born in the same family doesn’t mean you like or dislike the same things. Your children have different personalities, likes and dislikes and tastes. But kids rarely give their siblings the freedom to be different from themselves or even see the VALUE of being different.

On Saturday morning, President Nelson said that as he has watched the ongoing renovation of the Salt Lake Temple from his office window, he has thought about “the need for each of us to remove, with the Savior’s help, the old debris in our lives.” He said doing this will enable us to become more worthy and help prepare the world for the Second Coming of the Lord.

“The gospel of Jesus Christ is a gospel of repentance,” he said. “Because of the Savior’s Atonement, His gospel provides an invitation to keep changing, growing and becoming more pure. It is a gospel of hope, of healing and of progress. Thus, the gospel is a message of joy! Our spirits rejoice with every small step forward we take.” (Church Newsroom)

I took this challenge to remove debris in my life and decided to repent of “judging others and to accept their differences”. Of course I’ve been trying to do that my whole life!! In his Sunday morning talk Pres. Nelson also asked us to “increase our faith”. I decided that one way to increase my faith was to add works—faith without works is dead. So in adding works to my faith that I could repent of the debris of judging others, I decided to think of a positive attribute about the thing or person I was judging.

For example, when I was judging a person for being so interested in politics-- that’s all they listened to or talked about, instead of judging them of being obsessed with politics, I thought instead how thankful I was that there were people who were interested in politics so they could be the watch dogs to protect our freedom.

It has been a game changer for me—adding the positive twist of seeing something good so I can accept others’ differences instead of judging them.

I hope you will accept my advice and perhaps have a family home evening lesson about accepting others, speaking specifically about accepting the people in YOUR family who are different from you.

Quiz

Give the following quiz and ask family members which of the things below they like to eat or like to do:

• Chocolate
• Cream cheese
• Guacamole
• Cheese
• Peas
• Get up early
• Stay up late
• Read books
• Write stories
• Play the piano
• Play the guitar
• Hike
• Watch movies
• Play video games
• Have a clean bedroom
• Doesn’t even see the clutter in a room
• Likes to garden
• Likes to ride bikes
• Good at art and likes to draw
• Interested in politics
• Run marathons and ironmans
• Interested in health
• Notices birds and listens to them sing
• Notices other people’s feelings
• Likes to be around people, have lots of friends
• Likes to do things by themselves or with 1-2 friends
• Likes pets
• Doesn’t want a pet

Object Lesson

You could have an object lesson on how people like different things and that’s okay. Suggestions for object lesson:

Buy different flavors of Oreo cookies and taste them to see which ones you like the best.

Terry recently bought several different Oreos and she loves the hazelnut ones the most. I don’t like the taste of hazelnut that much so I didn’t like those Oreos. We’re different but can still get along and love each other.

Buy vanilla ice cream and assorted add ons. Notice how family members choose different ones or different quantities of the add ons according to their tastes.

Buy different flavors of M&Ms.

I like the pretzel ones the best. Which ones do you like?

Chant

Remember: Fair’s not there, so STOP looking for it!

How about saying (in the same sing-songy rhythm):

We are all different and that it okay!

I love you! Mom

Thanks for reading, 

Cathy

******************************************************************

Parenting Tip - Is Your Child an Upholder, Obliger, Questioner or Rebel (read as Strong-willed)?

I really like many of the books Gretchen Rubin has written, but I’m obsessed with her newest book, The Four Tendencies.

This is what she says about it on her website:

During my multibook investigation into human nature, I realized that by asking the suspiciously simple question “How do I respond to expectations?” we gain explosive self-knowledge.

I discovered that people fit into Four Tendencies: Upholders, Questioners, Obligers, and Rebels. Our Tendency shapes every aspect of our behavior, so understanding this framework lets us make better decisions, meet deadlines, suffer less stress and burnout, and engage more effectively. The Four Tendencies explain why we act and why we don’t act.

I am an Obliger (you can take a quick quiz here to find out what tendency you are ).  Knowing this has made my life easier.  I understand why I do some of the things I do and know how to deal with other aspects of my life, like accomplishing goals or saying no to people.  I think it is important to understand our family members and realize their tendencies—especially our spouses and children.  It can make family life so much more enjoyable when we understand why people act and respond the way they do.  Then we can change the way we approach our spouse or child so we can have win-win experiences and less conflicts.

Here are the Tendencies in a nutshell:

The Upholder Tendency

Upholders are those people who readily respond to outer and inner expectations alike.   They meet work or school deadlines as well as keep goals they set for themselves.

Strengths:  Upholders can set goals and ideals for themselves and stick to it.  They follow rules. They also fulfill expectations that others have for them.  They love schedules and routines.  They like to know what is expected of them and don’t like to make mistakes.

Weaknesses:  Upholders don’t like to have their schedules changed.  They are uncomfortable if they can’t follow the rules or expectations teachers or others have put on them.  They want to follow them whether they are sensible or not. They don’t like change and can be inflexible and rigid.

Dealing with an Upholder Child

Parents may enjoy having children who are Upholders because they don’t have to nag them about doing homework or practicing the piano. They plan ahead and have their softball equipment ready and like to arrive at school on time or even early.

The Upholder child doesn’t like to change his schedule.  If he needs to read 30 minutes a day for school he has a hard time letting that go if a busy day prohibits it. He has a hard time letting a task go not quite completed such as a book report project he feels he needs more time on.

Be careful about unintentionally adding an expectation or suggesting unnecessary rules.  An upholder child will exert a lot of energy toward trying to meet it.  The author states that an offhand remark like, “you should enter the spelling bee” might set off an unintended stressful chain reaction.

In dealing with an Upholder child, address his tendency value: “You like to do things that are expected of you”, “you like to be on time”, or “you like to finish your projects”.  But then address the issue in a logical way such as, “your teacher will understand that you can only read 15 minutes on some days”, or “it’s more important to go the speed limit and be safe than to be extra early to school”.

The Questioner Tendency

We all have inner expectations—things we want to do, and outer expectations—what others want us to do.  Questioners only do things that are inner expectations and only those outer expectations that they have turned into inner expectations.  Questioners want information, logic and efficiency.  They want to gather the facts and decide for themselves if something is legitimate to do, the best thing to buy, or the right thing to follow. They like logical conclusions and will research options until they are convinced.

Strengths:  Once Questioners are resolved to do something, they follow through and are reliable. They don’t just accept the traditional way to do things, so may come up with new solutions to problems or situations.

Weaknesses:  When Questioners don’t accept the justification for an expectation, they refuse to meet it.  Rules may seem arbitrary or make no sense.  When wanting to purchase an item, they may research and question so much, they can’t come to a conclusion and make a decision.

Dealing with a Questioner Child

A child who is a questioner does not accept phrases like, “because I said so”, or that’s the rule”. Questioners want to understand the “why” of doing something, and once they do, they are more willing to comply.  Why is piano practicing important?  Why should I learn the multiplication tables? Why does my school require uniforms?

Parents or teachers who are dealing with a child’s refusal to do something should find out why the child is refusing, then help the child understand the reasons behind the issue.  Help him find the justification for doing what he doesn’t want to do.  Why do I have to sit in my car seat?   Because it’s the law and you don’t want Mommy to have to pay a fine.  Why do I have to eat my vegetables?  Because they will make you healthy and strong so you can hit a home run some day.

The Obliger Tendency

Throughout a day, week and month, people are always asking us to do things.  The Obliger can accomplish things someone else asks her to do, but has a hard time meeting expectations that only she puts on herself.  For example, when you were in school, you could meet your English deadlines, but now you have a hard time consistently writing in your journal.

Obligers needs accountability.  Someone who is expecting them to bring them the results they’ve asked for.  If you are on a team and training for a game, you don’t want to let your teammates down, so you run every morning.  But after the season is over, you can’t get yourself to run anymore.  The accountability has disappeared.

Strengths:  Obligers get things done!  They volunteer, help out, and meet deadlines.  They make great leaders, team members, friends and family members.

Weaknesses:  Obligers have a hard time meeting their own needs and desires.  They need to feel accountable to someone in order to meet the goals they’ve set for themselves.  This is my tendency.  I used to always announce to my children that I would give them $10 if they saw me eat any more cookies the rest of the day.  Then it was easy for me to not eat any more.

If Obligers get overwhelmed by constant demands they are trying to meet of others, they can have a meltdown—which is usually not pretty.  They go into Obliger-Rebellion and resist doing anything.   Family members need to be aware of Obligers in their home, and help them not get overwhelmed, by helping them say “no” when necessary.  They can also provide accountability to help them reach their goals.

Dealing with an Obliger Child

I was delighted to read the author’s example when dealing with an Obliger child (which she says is sometimes hard to pick out).  She gave the example of piano practicing and said there needs to be accountability like having a practice chart, a parent’s gentle reminder or a teacher who says, “I can tell if you’ve been practicing or not.”

Help your Obliger child create accountability by enrolling him in classes, making job charts, having family rules, etc.  But be aware so your child does not begin feeling overwhelmed by meeting everyone’s needs but his own.

The Rebel Tendency

Rebels don’t want anyone telling them what to do, including themselves! They resist all efforts when someone asks them to do something and have a hard time getting themselves to do something they want to do.  For Rebels, being able to choose and have freedom of self-expression is vitally important. They respond better to people asking their opinion rather than being told to do something.

Strengths:  They don’t cave into peer pressure.  They enjoy meeting challenges especially when someone says it will be too hard to do. Rebels do things their way and want their lives to exhibit their values.

Weaknesses:  Rebels don’t like to be told to do something and resist commands and control over themselves.  They want to do things in their own way and in their own time.  They have a hard time sticking to a schedule.

Dealing with a Rebel Child (my daughter prefers to call them Strong-willed children and I agree)

Strong-willed children are hard to deal with. They want to make their own choices.  The best way to handle them is to give them information, tell them what the consequences are, and let them make their choice. And don’t watch them—then they think there is an expectation and will rebel and not choose.

Strong-willed children need to feel the consequence of their choices, be it good or bad. Strong-willed  children are motivated by identity.  Explain the situation:  “When you’re always late and delay our leaving, I feel like I can’t trust you.  Do you want to be trustworthy or not--your choice."  Make things fun for the strong-willed child.  Make up games when you’re brushing your child’s teeth or sing silly songs.  Strong-willed children like challenges: “Bet you can’t get dressed before Daddy does”.  Let them choose: “You can eat a snack, do your homework now, and then play before dinner or you can eat a snack and play first.  But if you don’t finish your homework before dinner, you will have to finish it after dinner and not have time for me to play a game with you before bedtime.  It’s your choice.” Then allow them time and space to make their choice.

In reviewing how to deal with children in these four tendencies, it seems to me that parents should use lots of common sense.  It shouldn’t be a nerve wrecking decision trying to decide what is the correct thing to say to your obliger child compared to what to say to your strong -willed child.  Good parenting  techniques cover all types and personalities of children.  In summary, here are some basic, sound ideas that work well in dealing with any and all types of children:

1.       Explain the situation to your child when a conflict arises.  Appeal to his sense of value.

2.       Listen to your child to understand what his needs are that are not being met.

3.       Explain the “why” behind rules and “why” you are asking for a certain behavior from your child.

4.       Make charts and give positive reinforcement to help establish new habits and outcomes.

5.       Give information, consequences and choice to your child.

6.       Let your child suffer the consequences of his choice and actions.

7.       Have fun with your child, make up games and challenges to spice up daily routines.

I hope this information has been helpful.  Now apply it to your spouse!

Thanks for reading,

Cathy

******************************************************************************

Parenting Tip #2 - John, John, the Atom Bomb

My younger brother John, was the typical two year old that got into everything. But instead of growing out of it, he just got better at it and would make one mess after another. My mother would be so frustrated that as soon as my Dad would get home from work she would tell him all the things Johnny had done that day. And when Grandma and Grandpa came to visit (they lived right behind our house), they would get the full blown stories of Johnny spilling flour all over the floor, and Johnny doing this and that. My mother even wrote a song about "John, John the atom bomb" and each verse highlighted all the diasters and messes he had made. My brother, Johnny, became quite the center of attention.One frustrating day, however, my mother was at her wit's end. She didn't know how she could go on much longer with a child like Johnny. Suddenly a thought came to her, "Johnny is getting so much attention by doing all these naughty things, of course he's going to keep doing them." She decided she needed to change Johnny's image. So each night when my Dad came home from work, she would tell him of the wonderful things Johnny had done that day (boy, were they hard to come up with some days!). And when Grandma and Grandpa asked about Johnny's latest exploits, my mother replied, "Oh Johnny has changed. He's the sweetest little boy now. He helps me around the house and picks up his toys."

And guess what? Johnny did change. He became that sweet little helpful boy and grew up into a wonderful man and has been a great father to his six children. My mother first labeled him as a "terror" and that's what he became. But when his label changed to sweet and helpful, he changed too.

Be very careful of the labels you put on your children.