My extended family has a group email where we share and exchange ideas and thoughts. My daughter recently emailed the following question. With her permission I'm posting it on my blog with some of the answers she received. Hopefully this might help you, too.
Hi Family,
I would like to call in for some
back-up from all the wise and wonderful parents out there.
Did you/Do you ever feel like no
matter how many good and important things you were doing as a parent, there
were a couple random things that if you didn't do- you were a failure parent
all together?
For example, I know I'm a good mom:
my kids brush teeth every night, I make their lunches, I say I love you, we go
for walks. Not to mention the obviously most important things like weekly
FHE, daily family prayers, and scripture study. But for some reason, I
also feel like it's all not good enough unless I am 1. teaching my kids piano
and 2. reading to them at night; two things that are good, but definitely not
going to make or break their salvation. And two things that I can not for
some reason get consistently into our lives!
So I'm just wondering... Are
there/were there things like this for you as you raised your kids? Or am
I alone in this ridiculous yet frustrating status.
Hopeful for some help and
humor,
Faith
Here's my mother's reply:
Faith,
Why are there only two things on your list of things that you are not doing
consistently? You should also be worrying because you aren't teaching
your kids Spanish and Chinese, in a world where those languages would certainly
be good to learn. You should also be
worrying because they don't know how to do the grocery shopping yet. Ok.
There is the humor you were looking for.
Being
frustrated because you are not perfect never ends. I think because the
devil knows he can't get us to take drugs, or have an affair with the mail
carrier, he CAN, however, use the perfectionist streak we have to keep us from
enjoying the things we can do, and do do. I think that perfectionism is a
test (just like any other test) and realizing it is essential to our
sanity. And it never ends, just like an alcoholic's craving for liquor
never ends. A test is a test because it's HARD, and perfectionism is
hard. Your email came at a good time for me and reminded me that no, I'm
not perfect and won't be perfect (I'm really just old) and most of the things I
worry about just keep me from enjoying what I can, and am, doing. I'll
bet every mother on Skunkville can identify with your frustrations. YOU
ARE A GOOD MOTHER AND, BY ASKING YOUR QUESTION, HAS HELPED ALL THE REST OF US
ON SKUNKVILLE, RECOGNIZE AND LAUGH AT SOME OF THE THINGS FRUSTRATING US. I FEEL
MUCH BETTER JUST FROM READING YOUR LETTER AND TYPING THIS REPLY. I hope
it makes you feel better too.
My son's reply to my mother's
reply (we call her Mormor, that's Swedish for mother's mother)
Mormor,
You answered a question I have had for a long time. I can only see the
trials, temptations, and sins that I am faced with at a given age. I have
a hard time thinking of any sins that I will face when I get older. I
have often thought, "What type of sin is there that prevents older people
from being perfect?" Having seen your laundry list, I have something
to look forward to when I get old.
Jacob
My
sister-in-law's reply
Hi Faith,
Yes, all us Moms
and Dads can relate to how you are feeling. As you know, Uncle Mark &
I have raised 5 kids so far, and have 4 to still finish raising. There
are times I wish I could go back in time and do a few things better or
different, but I wouldn't trade the wisdom that comes from learning. If
there is one thing(out of the many) we have learned, it is not to stress too
much about things, but do the best we can. There are so many things(work,
church, school, etc.) that demand our time. We decided long ago that we would
concentrate on a few things most important on our list, and if we could fit a
few extra things in we would. We have had to really compact down what we
do in life. Otherwise, everyone(us and the kids) feel overwhelmed. Time is such
a gift, but we have had to really decide what is worth our time. We also
have learned to take time to enjoy the journey.
Matthew [their down syndrome son] has taught us to enjoy the little things.
He gets so excited over things that most of us would over look. He
has helped us see what truly is most important. Since I am homeschooling
him, I sometimes feel like I am not a good teacher. I had wanted everything
traditional as far as teaching him goes. Like writing, reading, math, etc..
Mark keeps reminding me that I am teaching him, but in the way that works for
him. So we do computer games, ipad, coloring, singing, t.v., dress up
time(costumes), and things like this. He is learning, and I am trying to
not be hard on myself. So I hope something I said in this helps. I
need to remind myself everyday even at the age of 50 years old that I am doing
the best I can, and it will all work out good in the end. Here is a poem
I saved from many years ago. It reminded me that what we do as Mom's is
important even though we don't feel it is enough sometimes.
If I Had My Child To Raise Over
Again
If I had my child to raise all over
again, I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.
I'd finger-paint more, and point the
finger less.
I would do less correcting and more
connecting.
I'd take more hikes and fly more
kites.
I'd stop playing serious, and
seriously play.
I would run through more fields and
gaze at more stars.
I'd do more hugging and less
tugging.
I'd see the oak tree in the acorn
more often.
I would be firm less often, and
affirm much more.
I'd model less about the love of
power, and more about the power of love.
Author Unknown
Love,
Tammy
My
brother's reply:
Great
poem, Tammy. It is very true.
Here is some advice from me:
- perfection isn't
required nor attainable in the role of being a Mom (or most
other things for that matter).
- not everyone
needs to play the piano (we had friends once who had 6 kids and each
one was always enrolled in something--piano, dance, football,
basketball, soccer, cheerleading, band and on and on, year after
year). It made me wonder if we were slacking off when I would look
out the window and see our kids just swinging or jumping on the
trampoline. Their kids didn't turn out any better or worse than
ours.
- Choose a style
that works for you and yours and stay the course for the long run.
- We often rotated
who got to be in a sport or activity. They could support their
siblings by attending the game as supporters instead of the star.
- Unstructured
time is great sometimes.
- I loved reading
to the kids at night but that was my thing, not the only thing or even the
right thing. I didn't play catch with them or teach them to fix the
car. Maybe I should have, but I didn't and none of them are in
Alcatraz. (Of course, that isn't a very high standard for
determining successful parenting).
- Find what you
and your kids love doing and just keep doing that. It will become a
good memory to them and you are more likely to keep it up.
- Elder Oaks wrote
an Ensign article once called "Two Cheers for Excellence".
If you can find it, it might apply to your question. As I recall,
the point was that 'excellence' wasn't always the goal --hence, only two
cheers (not three) for excellence.
- I know some
people with some terrible parents. Make a list of all the things you
don't, haven't and won't do to your kids and you will begin to see that
you are getting the important things right. These are real things
people have told me about their parents (Moms and Dads). Believe me,
you aren't the one who should be worrying about your parenting skills:
- Fed the kids
breakfast then sent them outside and locked the door. They were not
to come home until dinner time.
- Put a big bowl
of cereal on the floor and told him--a toddler--to feed himself for the
day. Mom went back to bed, locked the door and drank.
- Mom only spoke
to say "Shut up!" "Stop that" "Go away"
"You're stupid".
- Dad threw them
against the wall.
- Mom/Dad/Grandparents
sexually abused them.
- Father shot
himself in the head in the house.
- Guardian (an
angry grandmother who hated men) dressed him as a girl and locked him out
of the house.
- Screamed.
Screamed. Screamed.
- Drank.
- Left and never
returned.
God is the only perfect parent. It is a tough job but very
very rewarding. Enjoy the chaos and imperfection and move forward
with...Faith.
John
My daughter-in-law's reply:
I understand what
you are going through. I feel guilty if my house is not perfectly clean.
Which, Elise assures me, is totally unnatural and freaky since none of
her friends' houses are perfectly clean. I used to guilt myself about my
kids not being in multiple activities, I guilt myself that I haven't worked on
reading as much as I should with Maya, and that my kids don't get music
lessons, that my bathroom walls and refrigerator aren't covered in scripture
quotes, with everyone with an assigned scripture to learn that week. etc.
etc. There are a thousand things that I have felt guilty, inadequate, and
a horrible mother for over the last 13 years. However, I have also
learned that my kids are perfectly fine, and capable of surviving without those
things. The basics are the most important to provide your children.
Love, food, fhe, prayer, and scripture study. Everything else is
fluff. My children may not be able to play the piano, quote scriptures,
turn somersaults, read greek, or speak a second language..... but they know
that they are loved. They will be just fine or make some therapist a very
rich person.
I have also learned that having a 13
year old is not easy. These middle school years have been a real struggle
for us as parents. She started out the beginning of each year as a great
student and then by the second quarter she was getting d's and f's in all but
two of her classes. We tried everything, taking away books, computer,
internet, tv, no friends, bribery, rewards..... It was driving us nuts and
making our relationship with her one big battle. I talked to a lady who
is a middle school counciler [at another school]. She said that we
(mostly me) just needed to stop letting her have this power over us. So
the plan was for me to never look at her grades or say anything about homework.
In essence I had to accept that Elise's grades and actions were her
responsibility and had no reflection on me as a parent. When teachers
e-mailed me about her grades and requested a meeting. I explained to them that
Elise's grades were her choice and she would have to accept the consequences of
her poor choices. I told them, and the school, that if she had to repeat
8th grade, or go to summer school I was completely fine with that. Every
time Elise complained about a teacher or class in school I cheerfully assured
her that I'm sure she would enjoy them even more the second time around. So for
months now I have bit my tongue, not mentioned homework, have
cheerfully assured her how fun it will be to make friends with all of the 7th
graders, I have cried in my room in frustration and anger. But our
relationship has gotten better. She has been doing her homework, and
getting better grades. She even comes out of her room and talks to us
now!
My reply:
As a mother you attend many funerals....the funeral of the
dream of having your child potty trained before age 3, the funeral of the dream
of your home being always clean and tidy, the funeral of the dream of having
children who all play two instruments. But after you cry and bury your
dream, you find a peace and calm come to you as you accept your children as
they are and life as it is and your season of time as it is now in the
present.
You have to accept who YOU are, and bury the dream of being like someone
else. I just had to experience that AGAIN today as I sat in the airport
waiting room wishing I looked like that lady over there, and that one just over
there.
Satan wants us to be discouraged, depressed and down on ourselves. Well,
get thee behind me, Satan. And get out of my daughter, Faith's way!
She'll bulldoze you to the ground and you'll be wondering what hit you.
Love you Faith,
Mom
My son's reply:
In the words of Jeffrey Holland a few weeks ago:
"In this Church, what
we know will always trump what we do not know. And remember,
in this world, everyone is
to walk by faith.
So be kind regarding human
frailty—your own as well as that of those who
serve with you…
Except in the case of His only perfect Begotten Son,
imperfect people are all
God has ever had to work with. That must be
terribly frustrating to
Him, but He deals with it. So should we.
And when you see
imperfection, remember that the limitation is not in
the divinity of the
work.
As one gifted writer has
suggested, when the infinite fulness is poured forth,
it is not the oil’s fault
if there is some loss because finite vessels
can’t quite contain it
all. Those finite vessels
include you and me, so be
patient and kind and forgiving."
- Ammon
I hope this has helped some of you. If you have additional thoughts, please add them in the comments.
Thanks for reading,
Cathy
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