Enjoy Life

My Dad is 98 years old and has gradually been getting more and more helpless and is finally bedfast. He has dementia and can't remember things, but is totally coherent about things in the "right now in front of his face".  Sadly he can't remember anything that has happened even 5 minutes ago.  My Mother, who is almost 92 years old takes care of him in the house they have lived in all their married life.  My brother has the beginning of alzheimers.  He was an accountant and business man but can't even add simple numbers together like 2+2.  He knows he is losing his memory and very aware of his circumstances and future.   My daughter-in-law who lives with me has cancer.  She had the Whipple surgery (most people used to die from it) and is going through chemo.   Seeing these love ones and the trials they are going through has made me fearful of the future.  I worry about what my future looks like.  Will I become a burden on my children?  If I travel to see my family, will I be in an accident and paralyzed the rest of my life?  What bad thing is looming on my horizon?

So for my May goal, I took PresNelson’s invitation to heart—to seek to increase my faith.  He also asked us to get rid of our personal debris and repent.  I decided I needed to rid myself of fear of the future and worry over it, and to instead increase my faith--somehow. 

I understand the principle that if we have fear, we don't have faith.   “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”2 Timothy 1:7

I prayed to know what to do to increase my faith and was impressed that I should “enjoy life”.  That is the action part or the works part of faith—enjoy my life and enjoy the activities I spend my time doing, like in reading books, gardening, and in learning and playing music and instruments.  I should enjoy new things I can do during the summer instead of hating the heat and being miserable.  I should enjoy traveling to visit my family instead of being fearful of accidents that could happen.  The thought came to me that enjoying my life shows gratitude to Heavenly Father for giving me such a wonderful life.  And I am indeed, very grateful for the life I have.

Tonight I decided to enjoy life by reading my book on the patio and enjoy the last of the cool evenings we will have in May.  I had bought a metal candle holder a few days ago at DI and today I bought a battery operated candle to put in it.  When I turned on the candle and put it in the metal candle holder, I was surprised to see the words on the side.  Another reminder from God, another personal revelation message—just for me.

Thanks for reading,

Cathy

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Parenting Tip - Transitions in Life

Last month I turned 70 years old.  I have dreaded this day for several years.  In fact, I have dreaded it so much, that I completely ruined my 69th year by thinking constantly of turning 70 and so I didn't even appreciate my last year in the 60's decade.

The reason I have dreaded turning 70 was because this puts me in the "old people's" decade.  I feel like those are the people with gray hair and achy joints, who stand up slowly, are hard of hearing and go to bed at 9 pm.  The world categorizes them as "has beens" and that is how I thought my life would become.

But my hair is still brown (with lots of gray).  My joints don't hurt (knock on wood).  I have noticed, though ,that I can't hear high pitches and some nights I'm anxious to go to bed early, so I see myself sliding into being "old."  But I have so much energy still.  I want to continue teaching music and I want to travel and be an important person in my children and grandchildren's lives.  I don't want to be old and gray and sit in a rocking chair.

And to that mental turmoil I was experiencing in comes the pandemic with quarantine and life routine changes, closures and major upheaval.  Now I really am sitting at home doing nothing day after day.  My nightmare is real!

So I had a mid-life crisis.  I had a melt down. I had to talk seriously to myself and my God and get a handle on this new life.  Here is what I came up with:

*Life is in 3 parts:  Single life - birth to marriage (23 years) Wife/Mother – (age 23-61, 38 years)

Widow/Retirement (age 61-99, 38 years)  These years are based on my life.

*The last third of my life is as long as my middle life! 

*I’ve already lived 9 years of  my third life and have possibly 25+ years more---that’s a lot of time. 

*What am I going to do with it?  (I come from ancestors who lived a long life, so that’s what I’m counting on)

*I’m definitely not a “has been”.  I have interests, passions and goals.  I have a lot more things I need to accomplish and do. 

*This is my third life and I need to relish it, enjoy it, and keep learning, serving and loving.

I felt better about my life after figuring all of that out.  But with COVID-19 I can’t keep teaching as a service missionary, I can’t serve at the temple, and I can’t teach my music groups.  Then I remembered my 2020 yearly goal is to ACCEPT the season of life I’m in, accept the season of the year that’s here and accept others as they are.  So I had to figure out what I could do during this time of life.  I felt like if I knew what my values were, and did things each day that involved them, then I would feel like I was accomplishing things.

The values I decided on were: *Learn something new *Serve others *Seek Christ *Teach others

 I realized I have been doing things which include those values and so I feel much better about how I am spending my days.  I have a purpose in life.  I have goals.  I'm learning lots of new music on my banjo, ukulele and mandolin.  I'm looking for Just Serve projects and doing them.  I love reading the scriptures and learning from Come Follow Me podcasts.  I'm teaching my grandchildren through the marco polo app and doing science projects at my home.

I AM NOT A HAS BEEN!  

Watch out people.  Here I come with 70 years experience.  Welcome to the next third of my life!!

Thanks for reading,

Cathy

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Parenting Tip- Adult Whining

While I was writing the blog post about whining children, I began to get an uncomfortable feeling--did I whine--and to whom?

Dictionary.com's definition is:

to utter a low, usually nasal, complaining cry or sound, as from uneasiness, discontent, peevishness, etc.:The puppies were whining from hunger.to snivel or complain in a peevish, self-pitying way:He is always whining about his problems.verb (used with object), whined, whin·ing.to utter with or as if with a whine:I whined my litany of complaints.

 Suddenly I had memories of myself talking to my son about my laptop which wasn't working, and whining about not knowing how to fix it.  But worse, I remembered many of my prayers where I presented Heavenly Father a list of my problems and family members who needed help and asked Him to fix everything. Did I pray "in a peevish, self-pitying way" and "utter my prayers with or as if with a whine"?

I began to seriously think about how I prayed and pondered if I was whining when I prayed.
We are told to " Cry unto him over the crops of your fields, that ye may prosper in them.

25 Cry over the flocks of your fields, that they may increase.

26 But this is not all; ye must ^apour out your souls in your ^bclosets, and your secret places, and in your wilderness.

27 Yea, and when you do not cry unto the Lord, let your ^ahearts be ^bfull, drawn out in prayer unto him continually for your ^cwelfare, and also for the welfare of ^dthose who are around you.Alma 34: 24"

So if we are told to cry continually for our welfare, doesn't that sound like whining?  I decided it depends totally on our ATTITUDE and FEELINGS when we pray.

Do we pray with humbleness in our hearts? Do we acknowledge our love to our Father in Heaven and pray with this feeling of love and reverence?  Do we ask the Lord for His mercy and grace in our lives, knowing He loves us, too?  Do we have faith in accepting His timing as we pray over our problems and ask for help?  Do we acknowledge our willingness to grow in our struggles and see the strength we are receiving? Do we stop to see and thank Him for the tender blessings and mercies bestowed on us each day?  Do we rejoice and praise the Lord for His goodness and love?

If I can answer YES to each of those questions, then I realized I am not whining. Whew! I am actually talking to my Father in Heaven and discussing my needs and desires.  I am explaining my situation and trying to get help and understanding in solving my problems.  It's actually exhilarating, enabling and humbling to really talk with Heavenly Father on a one on one basis and listen for his direction and have His ideas come to my mind during my prayers.  

Prayer really can be a conversation, a discussion with my Father.  And when I am filled with love for and accept His love for me, then that conversation is never whining. 

Thanks for reading,

Cathy

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Parenting Tip - I'm Not in Control Today

Have you ever been in a bad mood?  Out of sorts!  Mad at everyone and everything?!  Having a "terrible, horrible, very bad, no good day"(s)?!

That has happened to me so many times during my life, and I'm sure in your life too.  Sometimes when I stop to analyze my feelings, I find out that why I'm feeling so mean and rotten is because I'm not in control of certain situations in my life.  Things are happening around me that I can't do anything about.  And that feels horrible.

Here are some examples that you might just relate to:
the car needs new tires--no money to pay for them--but it's new tires or an accident's going to happen
your son is dating a girl you don't like
one of your child's teachers require way too much home work, putting lots of pressure on your child
your child has no friends and you don't know what to do about it
you have no closet or storage space in your too small house
your brother has a big gorgeous home with less children and plenty of closet space
your husband is working overtime but you need help with the kids

I could go on and on with the examples, but you get the idea.

This summer when I was in Nauvoo, I was having lots of great experiences, but sometimes not having a lot of fun.  I realized it was because I was not in control of my situation.  I didn't have a car and had to rely on other people to take me where I was suppose to go.  I would make new friends and then they would leave after two weeks to go home.  Then I had to make another friend and arrange for more rides......

So after losing my first new friend when she went home, I analyzed my feelings, realized the problem and wrote this song for myself while I went for my daily walks after lunch one week.

I’m Not in Control

(tune: Mary Had a Little Lamb, minor key)

I’m not in control today

And I guess, that’s okay

I need another’s point of view

I guess they could be right--- it’s true.

I’m not in control today

And I guess, that’s okay

So calm myself and count to ten

Then breathe and count again!

(Major, happy key)

God is in control today

And with that, I’m okay

He sees a broader point of view

His ways are always true!

God is in control today

And with that, I’m okay

His tender mercies help me see

His sweet abiding love for me.

Writing this song really helped me understand that yes, I won't be in control of my situation lots of times in life, but God is always in control.  If I rely on his perspective and ask for guidance, he will help me see and understand what I can do to help myself.  And he always loves me and sends tender mercies if I keep my eyes open to notice them.

I hope you can get control of one of your life situations or at least learn how to deal with it.  When I can't control a situation and change IT,  I try to find something--anything  I can do that I'm totally in charge of.   Then I feel better.  Find a craft or sewing project, do some cooking and baking, or read a book you want to. Going for a walk always helps too.   If all else fails, declutter a drawer or cupboard.  That ALWAYS makes me feel better.  And it's so much easier to do when you're mad, too!

Thanks for reading,

Cathy

PS  Have you read this book lately?

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Parenting Tip - The Paradigm Test

Text from my daughter to me:
        "So I've been trying not to feel like a failure by choosing to run the half marathon instead of the full [this coming weekend] in AZ.  I just haven't been able to get the training in.  I'm disciplined in lots of other areas, but this one hasn't been able to be a priority right now.  I was feeling kinda low until I had a new thought - Oh my gosh Mom!  I passed the test!!!!!!!
    I chose sacrificing time running this school year for doing homeschooling and being with  my kids instead of out running for myself!  It's not a failure at all!  It's a giant victory!!!!!  How would my kids be right now if I was completely ready for the full [marathon]??That's a scary thought.  My relationship with A [her 11 year daughter] definitely wouldn't have been strengthened through this year.  She would probably resent me for all the time spent babysitting M [the preschooler].  M would be a screen junkie.
     Dang.  Paradigm shift!  So grateful!!!"

Text from me to my daughter:
     "Sigh of relief!!  You chose the good part!!!  You DID pass the test!!!!  I'm so proud of you and love you so much!! (Wow, I just had a thought - this text could be from Heavenly Father just as much as it is from me.)"


So what have you been sacrificing, that with a paradigm shift, looks more like a blessing instead?
Are you a stay-at-home Mom with a college degree and inner desire to be out in the workforce? What are you trading for and what benefits can you see if you look close enough?  Are you developing other talents such as gardening, cooking, love of children's literature, home repair skills, or beautifying your home with recycling items?

Do you have a child with autism, ADD, speech problems or other issues?  But are you gaining knowledge, insight and gifts that you wouldn't otherwise have?

Do you have to pinch every penny and long to have your husband out of school?  But are you becoming adept at finding sales, learning to sew, and acquiring skills to refurbish used furniture?

I've had to give piano lessons in my home my whole married life to supplement our family income. For years I felt frustrated and pitied myself.  Then one day I had a paradigm shift and was shocked at what I saw.  What I saw were blessings everywhere.  Blessed that my husband worked from 5:30 am to 3:00 pm and could be home with our children when they came home from school.  Blessed that my husband enjoyed cooking and cooked dinner while I taught piano.  Blessed that I never had to advertise and always had lots of students to teach.  Blessed that I could teach my own children and share my love of music with them. The more I looked, the more blessings I saw.  I immediately fell to my knees and poured out my gratitude to my Heavenly Father.  I asked Him to forgive me for my thoughtlessness and past complaining.  Over the years I have realized what a blessing teaching piano has been in my life and how much I have grown as a teacher and a musician.

Paradigm Shift: an important change that happens when the usual way of thinking about or doing something is replaced by a new and different way.

Look at your life, look at your problems.  Have a paradigm shift and enjoy the blessings you see.

Thanks for reading,
Cathy
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Parenting Tip - It Feels so good to say NO!

During dinner several years ago, the phone rang and I answered it.  It was a teacher from my neighborhood school asking me if I could substitute for her tomorrow.  Arrgghhh, I had things planned for tomorrow, but how could I say no?  She wanted ME!  She wanted ME to solve her problem and teach her class because I was so creative and wonderful and ...and....and....But I had things to do tomorrow and really couldn't and didn't want to.  So, in agony of not being able to help her, I said no.  And in a flash I felt so much relief and happiness and realized a very important truth: she didn't want ME, she just wanted SOMEONE to help her solve  her dilemma--she didn't really care WHO it was.

I immediately burst into song and danced back to the dinner table singing at the top of my voice, "It feels so good to say NO and not feel guilty!"  My family starred at me and just continued eating.  But I kept singing my song again, and explained, "I finally get it.  People want someone to help them out of their problems, and if I say no, they'll just find someone else to help them.  They're not paying me a compliment because I'm the only one and the best one. I've been so prideful all these years, but realize the truth of the matter now."

And that's how I learned to say NO.

It's always been hard for me to stick up for myself.  I was a walk-all-over-her sort of person for many many years. I was taken advantage of because I was nice and didn't want to disappoint people or not help them. I considered myself a wimp.   But gradually I started noticing and admiring people who stood up for themselves, who set boundaries and limits and knew what they could do and were willing to do.  I wanted to be one of those kind of people.  Strong in their beliefs and actions.  Self-assured and self-confident.  And that meant saying NO when it was needed.

Recently I read an article that said when you say NO to something, then really you are saying YES to something else. And when you say YES to something, you are naturally saying NO to other things. So years ago when I was substituting and my children were still in school, if I said Yes to teaching, then some days that would mean I would be saying no to getting the laundry and shopping done and preparing a peaceful dinner.  Sometimes it was good to say yes, but other weeks I should have said no more often.

What are some other NO/YES outcomes?
NO to video/computer time - YES to creative, imaginative children
NO to snacking, candy - YES to healthy lifestyle (ouch, that one always gets me!)
NO to lax, inconsistent bedtime routine - YES to more peaceful evenings
NO to excessive fast food eating - YES to more money and healthier eating
NO to hours on blog/instagram/pinterest/facebook reading - YES to non-comparing yourself with others and feeling happier with your life
NO to judging others - YES to accepting others with different ideas
......and the list can go on and on.

One other idea on how to say NO that I wished I would have known years ago when I was a wishy washy wimp and that is, stall for a moment when someone asks you to do something that you don't want to or think it best not to do.  Say very nicely, "Let me check my calendar."  Then check that calendar and if you want to say NO, you sweetly say, "Oh I'm sorry, I have something scheduled for then."  They don't have to know that you don't have something officially written down.  Because remember the NO/YES consequences.  If you say no to them, you're saying yes to your children for being able to meet their needs that morning or yes to reading a book because you really need some downtime.  It sounds so more convincing to say, "Oh, I'm not available" than "Oh, I'm reading a good book and will lose it if I don't take some time for myself."

It sounds like I'm suggesting you say NO all the time.  I'm not.  I wrote this blog post for me, basically, because I need to say NO to myself more often than to other people.  I love to teach and love to babysit my grandchildren and love to do this and love to do that.  And I want to do it all.  But I have to remind myself that when I say, "YES, I think I'll teach more ukulele or music classes", I'm really saying, "NO, I won't have time to babysit my grandchildren when I'm needed."

Judge wisely when you say NO or YES and remember there will always be a YES or NO answering consequence.

Thanks for reading,

Cathy

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Parenting Tip - Why Do We Do This to Ourselves??

I did it again.  Started berating myself.  Started feeling guilty.  Asking myself why do I always wait too long to act on my good intentions.

I was suppose to buy fabric or thread or any other numerous things on a list that was going toward a service project my church was doing.  But I didn't read when the deadline was to buy the supplies.  So I missed it.  Too late.  They had everything they already needed donated.  Guilt.

Guilt until I analyzed why I hadn't had time to buy the supplies and then I had to laugh at myself.  Why hadn't I had time?  Because I was giving service that day by babysitting my grandson.  I had also taught a music class for free so we could perform, a musical service, to a retirement home in the near future. 

And I did help sew the items we were donating the next night for 2 1/2 hours.

With the holidays coming, please don't do to yourself what I did.

Be nice to yourself and recognize the good things you are doing.

Thanks for reading,
Cathy

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Music Tip - Teach Your Baby Sign Language

It's so frustrating not to be able to communicate--whether you're in a different country where they speak a different language, or on the computer with it's different language.  How about if you're trying to communicate with your teenager (who speaks a different language at times!) or even your baby/toddler!

If you're visiting a different country, a dictionary helps somewhat, and if you're on the computer, your younger children can help you (ha, ha!).  Communicating with teenagers can be challenging and  rewarding, BUT talking with your baby is an unbelievable thrill!

You can communicate with your baby through sign language!
From age 8 months to 2 years your baby begins to know what he wants and needs, but does not have the skills to express his needs to you, his mother.  How frustrating for your baby and you.  By knowing a few basic signs such as milk, play, eat, sleepy, water and so on, you can ask your baby what he wants, and he can tell you what he needs.

Plus, it's so fun!! Involve your whole family in signing basic words.  Repetition is the key to success.  After several weeks of signing words (while saying them, of course) your 8-10 month old baby may start attempting to sign the words as well.  Her signs may be just approximate gestures to the ones that you are using, since her fine motor skills have not developed fully, but she'll definitely be signing a word and you'll know what it is.

There are several websites that give basic signs to begin your signing adventure.

Just choose a couple of signs like mommy and daddy, or eat and play, then incorporate the signs with your words throughout the coming days and weeks.  Don't get discouraged if your baby doesn't immediately respond and sign back.  It takes TIME to learn, digest information and be able to respond and perform it back.

If you live in the Mesa area, join my baby signing music class!

Music + sign language =  a whole lot of fun!

Thanks for reading,
Cathy

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Parenting Tip - Get Outside

This is a blog post for anyone who is a little down in the dumps.  Or sad.  Or worried.  Or stressed. Or mad.             

That's my advice.  I know it helps because I've been there before; mad, sad, stressed and worried, and every time, I'll come home from a walk feeling lighter, happier and more hopeful.


A few years ago when I turned 40, I became worried about all the candy bars I had--and was still--eating.  I decided I needed to take charge of my life, if I wanted to have a healthy old age.  So I started walking in the mornings, and I haven't quit.  I love walking!



Then when I turned 50, I started hiking once a week with a friend.  I love hiking!  You're out in nature, you see God's handiwork and you talk and talk with a friend.  It's even better than eating a candy bar!


 When I'm walking or hiking my outlook changes.  My perspective broadens and I'm not microscoping in on my problems. 


 In fact, my problems shrink in size when I look at mountain tops and gaze down into valleys.  When I walk by cacti, flowers and trees, I see God's love for me in a wide lens. I feel stronger, able to handle my situation.  I feel gratitude for God and see His tender mercies in my life.  I start to see analogies in nature and relate them to my life.  I'm energized!

But sometimes it's impossible to go for a walk either because of health issues, kid issues or time constraints.  So here are some good, better, best options when the outdoors are just not available.

Good:  Sit by the window and look outside at the sky, the clouds, the birds and the trees and flowers.
Better:  Pull up the blinds and really look outside, up and down, back and forth.
Best:  Put on some music and admire the great outdoors, thoroughly enjoying the sky, flowers and trees.

If you are able to go for a walk, here are some good, better, best options as well.

Good: Walk slow to begin with, then increase your pace.
Better:  As you walk, notice nature.  Look up and enjoy the sky and clouds. Notice the birds.  Look at the architecture of the houses and buildings you pass by.
Best:  Find a beautiful park to walk in and listen to  music or a podcast as you walk.  Jog for a few seconds, here and there during your walk.  Enjoy nature.

And finally, if you can go for a hike:

Good:  Go with a friend.  Talk about cooking, problems, frustrations.  
Better:  Notice the birds and rabbits and lizards.  Draw strength and serenity from the open sky, the mountains, the trees. Gaze down from your trail and see how small everything looks below.  Notice how far you have come.  
Best:  Suddenly your problems and cares become miniscule and your heart enlarges and expands with love and optimism. 

Thanks for reading.....
Now go walking,
Cathy

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Parenting Tip - Validation

I've been babysitting 3 of my out-of-state grandchildren while my son and his wife are out of the country--a five year old, three year old and 11 month old. Wow!  What I've been learning!

The first couple of days were hard.  Very hard.  The three year old is a strong-willed child who does not understand the concept of taking turns or sharing.  I was not enjoying myself and not acting like myself.  I was grouchy, short tempered, felt picked on and started harboring and thinking negative thoughts. 

I felt bad about my feelings and called one of my daughters.  I was so frustrated-- at ME-- not my grandchildren.  I was discouraged with myself that at my age, I still am having negative, mean thoughts, that I can't control my anger, that I'm judging and coveting.  STILL.  When am I going to improve and get over my weaknesses?

My daughter told me that I wasn't going to perfect them in this life.  That they are my struggles and weaknesses and I have to deal with them my whole life--but that's  normal.  Yes, I can improve, but they will always be my demons.

For some reason that made me feel much better.  Oh.  It's a lifelong process.  I'm not a horrible person.  Yes, I'm having problems again with my feelings and attitudes, but I can nip them in the bud quicker now, than I did several years ago.

Another thing that happened to me, was several people validated that, yes, I had a difficult three year old to deal with.  Yes, it is very hard on you.

Once I was validated, and once I realized that I'm not a horrible person, I immediately felt better and immediately became my cheerful, fun loving, creative grandma-self again.  When my grandson started yelling and crying, I could change the atmosphere just by doing silly things to distract him.  One time I yelled, "Oh my gosh, there's a dinosaur outside!".  Then I rushed outside with two little boys following me and suddenly we were outside playing and having a good time.

The daughter I talked with was having a hard time herself.  She is a nanny for a little boy who is having difficulty in the potty training area.  She felt frustrated, mean and horrible like me.  Then the father and mother of the boy got a little more involved and said how hard the situation was and immediately, my daughter felt validated.  The situation didn't change, but now she could deal creatively and cheerfully with it again.

Validation is magical!  How cool is it, that when a situation doesn't change, but we are validated in the difficulty of it, then we become able to continue to face the challenge with new strength and energy?

Who can I validate? I'm going to be a better listener, and instead of trying to solve someone's problem, I'm going to validate that they truly are having a  difficult situation. 

"Your husband works nights and you never get to see him that much?  That must be really hard."

"You've been trying to find a new job for months and can't find anything?  That must get discouraging."

"You've been trying to lose weight, but nothing seems to help?  That's so frustrating."

Validation.  Miracle cure.

Thanks for reading,

Cathy

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The Power of Unconditional Love

It’s been two and half weeks since my husband passed away.  My emotions have been up and down and all around several times a day.  My wonderful children have had to tell me repeatedly, that whatever I’m feeling is okay.  I can do no wrong.  Everything I’m feeling is right. 

For instance, my brothers drove from Texas, California and Utah to come to the funeral.  We have a close knit family and have always loved to play games together.  But during the days after the funeral I  couldn’t bring myself to go visit and play games with them.  I cloistered myself in my house, surrounded by my children and grandchildren and couldn’t interact with anyone else.  I felt guilty but my children reminded me that anything I felt was okay and no one was judging me.  My brothers understood and respected my need for seclusion.

As I pondered the gift of unconditional love my children and brothers gave me I thought of how powerful that gift was.  To know that I was loved for myself—not judged, and that anything I felt would be taken with an understanding heart by others was such a freeing and peaceful feeling.

Do we give our children unconditional love?  Do we accept their feelings, no matter how different they may be from ours and let them have those feelings?  Instead of saying things like “you shouldn’t be mad at your friend,” or “you shouldn’t be so sensitive,” maybe we could say things like “wow, you’re really upset about that” or “that really hurt your feelings didn’t it?”

There is power in communication--power in reaching heart to heart with our children, spouse and friends.  Letting our children talk about their feelings and explore them will help them own their feelings and learn how to control them.  Actions need to be controlled-you don’t hit because you’re mad, but you can be mad.  Then comes the teaching moments when you help your child explore why he is mad, and what he can do about it. 

We are all humans and we all have feelings.  Accepting our own feelings and others is a lifetime job.

Parenting Tip #62 Power in expressing your feelings

Years ago I had trouble with one of my sons getting his work done—which wasn’t like him. I blamed it on his allergies and his age (10). One Saturday he wouldn’t mow the lawn. He didn’t have to mow the whole lawn, just his part (each of my 3 boys mowed 1/3 of our large yard). I had tried positive reinforcement, incentives, threats, etc. but nothing was working. He didn’t get to go to my sister’s house—which was always a treat—because he hadn’t mowed the lawn. I told him if he had it done by the time I got back from running an errand, he could go to the grocery store with me (he loved to go grocery shopping). Even that didn’t work. So finally I told him if it wasn’t done by the time I came back from the store, I would probably sit down and cry and think that I was a failure as a mother (I knew that wouldn’t motivate him either, but I was so frustrated).

When I got home later, I couldn’t believe my eyes. He had mowed the lawn! When I asked him about it, he said he didn’t want me to think I was a failure, and that was the reason he had finally done it.

The lesson I learned. It is more effective to sit down and discuss problems and express feelings, rather than threaten, bribe or get mad.