Parenting Idea - Forget Perfectionism if you're a Parent

 My extended family has a group email where we share and exchange ideas and thoughts. My daughter recently emailed the following question.  With her permission I'm posting it on my blog with some of the answers she received.  Hopefully this might help you, too.

Hi Family,

I would like to call in for some back-up from all the wise and wonderful parents out there.

Did you/Do you ever feel like no matter how many good and important things you were doing as a parent, there were a couple random things that if you didn't do- you were a failure parent all together?

For example, I know I'm a good mom: my kids brush teeth every night, I make their lunches, I say I love you, we go for walks.  Not to mention the obviously most important things like weekly FHE, daily family prayers, and scripture study.  But for some reason, I also feel like it's all not good enough unless I am 1. teaching my kids piano and 2. reading to them at night; two things that are good, but definitely not going to make or break their salvation.  And two things that I can not for some reason get consistently into our lives!

So I'm just wondering... Are there/were there things like this for you as you raised your kids?  Or am I alone in this ridiculous yet frustrating status. 

Hopeful for some help and humor, 

Faith

Here's my mother's reply:

 Faith, Why are there only two things on your list of things that you are not doing consistently?  You should also be worrying because you aren't teaching your kids Spanish and Chinese, in a world where those languages would certainly be good to learn.  You should also be
worrying because they don't know how to do the grocery shopping yet. Ok.  There is the humor you were looking for.  

 Being frustrated because you are not perfect never ends.  I think because the devil knows he can't get us to take drugs, or have an affair with the mail carrier, he CAN, however, use the perfectionist streak we have to keep us from enjoying the things we can do, and do do.  I think that perfectionism is a test (just like any other test) and realizing it is essential to our sanity.  And it never ends, just like an alcoholic's craving for liquor never ends.  A test is a test because it's HARD, and perfectionism is hard.  Your email came at a good time for me and reminded me that no, I'm not perfect and won't be perfect (I'm really just old) and most of the things I worry about just keep me from enjoying what I can, and am, doing.  I'll bet every mother on Skunkville can identify with your frustrations.  YOU ARE A GOOD MOTHER AND, BY ASKING YOUR QUESTION, HAS HELPED ALL THE REST OF US ON SKUNKVILLE, RECOGNIZE AND LAUGH AT SOME OF THE THINGS FRUSTRATING US. I FEEL MUCH BETTER JUST FROM READING YOUR LETTER AND TYPING THIS REPLY.  I hope it makes you feel better too. 

 My son's reply to my mother's reply (we call her Mormor, that's Swedish for mother's mother)

Mormor,
You answered a question I have had for a long time.  I can only see the trials, temptations, and sins that I am faced with at a given age.  I have a hard time thinking of any sins that I will face when I get older.  I have often thought, "What type of sin is there that prevents older people from being perfect?"  Having seen your laundry list, I have something to look forward to when I get old.

Jacob

 My sister-in-law's reply

 Hi Faith,

     Yes, all us Moms and Dads can relate to how you are feeling.  As you know, Uncle Mark & I have raised 5 kids so far, and have 4 to still finish raising.  There are times I wish I could go back in time and do a few things better or different, but I wouldn't trade the wisdom that comes from learning.  If there is one thing(out of the many) we have learned, it is not to stress too much about things, but do the best we can. There are so many things(work, church, school, etc.) that demand our time. We decided long ago that we would concentrate on a few things most important on our list, and if we could fit a few extra things in we would.  We have had to really compact down what we do in life. Otherwise, everyone(us and the kids) feel overwhelmed. Time is such a gift, but we have had to really decide what is worth our time.  We also have learned to take time to enjoy the journey.

Matthew [their down syndrome son] has taught us to enjoy the little things.  He gets so excited over things that most of us would over look.  He has helped us see what truly is most important.  Since I am homeschooling him, I sometimes feel like I am not a good teacher. I had wanted everything traditional as far as teaching him goes. Like writing, reading, math, etc.. Mark keeps reminding me that I am teaching him, but in the way that works for him.  So we do computer games, ipad, coloring, singing, t.v., dress up time(costumes), and things like this.  He is learning, and I am trying to not be hard on myself.  So I hope something I said in this helps.  I need to remind myself everyday even at the age of 50 years old that I am doing the best I can, and it will all work out good in the end.  Here is a poem I saved from many years ago.  It reminded me that what we do as Mom's is important even though we don't feel it is enough sometimes.

If I Had My Child To Raise Over Again

If I had my child to raise all over again, I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.

I'd finger-paint more, and point the finger less.

I would do less correcting and more connecting.

I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.

I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.

I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.

I'd do more hugging and less tugging.

I'd see the oak tree in the acorn more often.

I would be firm less often, and affirm much more.

I'd model less about the love of power, and more about the power of love.

Author Unknown

Love,

Tammy

 

 My brother's reply:

 Great poem, Tammy.  It is very true.

Here is some advice from me:

• perfection isn't required nor attainable in the role of being a Mom (or most other things for that matter).
• not everyone needs to play the piano (we had friends once who had 6 kids and each one was always enrolled in something--piano, dance, football, basketball, soccer, cheerleading, band and on and on, year after year).  It made me wonder if we were slacking off when I would look out the window and see our kids just swinging or jumping on the trampoline.  Their kids didn't turn out any better or worse than ours. 
• Choose a style that works for you and yours and stay the course for the long run. 
• We often rotated who got to be in a sport or activity.  They could support their siblings by attending the game as supporters instead of the star.
• Unstructured time is great sometimes.
• I loved reading to the kids at night but that was my thing, not the only thing or even the right thing.  I didn't play catch with them or teach them to fix the car.  Maybe I should have, but I didn't and none of them are in Alcatraz.  (Of course, that isn't a very high standard for determining successful parenting).
• Find what you and your kids love doing and just keep doing that.  It will become a good memory to them and you are more likely to keep it up.
• Elder Oaks wrote an Ensign article once called "Two Cheers for Excellence".  If you can find it, it might apply to your question.  As I recall, the point was that 'excellence' wasn't always the goal --hence, only two cheers (not three) for excellence.
• I know some people with some terrible parents.  Make a list of all the things you don't, haven't and won't do to your kids and you will begin to see that you are getting the important things right.  These are real things people have told me about their parents (Moms and Dads).  Believe me, you aren't the one who should be worrying about your parenting skills:

1. Fed the kids breakfast then sent them outside and locked the door.  They were not to come home until dinner time.
2. Put a big bowl of cereal on the floor and told him--a toddler--to feed himself for the day.  Mom went back to bed, locked the door and drank.
3. Mom only spoke to say "Shut up!" "Stop that" "Go away" "You're stupid".
4. Dad threw them against the wall.
5. Mom/Dad/Grandparents sexually abused them.
6. Father shot himself in the head in the house.
7. Guardian (an angry grandmother who hated men) dressed him as a girl and locked him out of the house.
8. Screamed.  Screamed.  Screamed.
9. Drank.
10. Left and never returned.

God is the only perfect parent.  It is a tough job but very very rewarding.  Enjoy the chaos and imperfection and move forward with...Faith.

John

 My daughter-in-law's reply:

I understand what you are going through.  I feel guilty if my house is not perfectly clean.  Which, Elise assures me, is totally unnatural and freaky since none of her friends' houses are perfectly clean.  I used to guilt myself about my kids not being in multiple activities, I guilt myself that I haven't worked on reading as much as I should with Maya, and that my kids don't get music lessons, that my bathroom walls and refrigerator aren't covered in scripture quotes, with everyone with an assigned scripture to learn that week.  etc. etc.  There are a thousand things that I have felt guilty, inadequate, and a horrible mother for over the last 13 years.  However, I have also learned that my kids are perfectly fine, and capable of surviving without those things.  The basics are the most important to provide your children.  Love, food, fhe, prayer, and scripture study.  Everything else is fluff.  My children may not be able to play the piano, quote scriptures, turn somersaults, read greek, or speak a second language..... but they know that they are loved.  They will be just fine or make some therapist a very rich person.  

I have also learned that having a 13 year old is not easy.  These middle school years have been a real struggle for us as parents.  She started out the beginning of each year as a great student and then by the second quarter she was getting d's and f's in all but two of her classes.  We tried everything, taking away books, computer, internet, tv, no friends, bribery, rewards..... It was driving us nuts and making our relationship with her one big battle.  I talked to a lady who is a middle school counciler [at another school].  She said that we (mostly me) just needed to stop letting her have this power over us.  So the plan was for me to never look at her grades or say anything about homework. In essence I had to accept that Elise's grades and actions were her responsibility and had no reflection on me as a parent.  When teachers e-mailed me about her grades and requested a meeting. I explained to them that Elise's grades were her choice and she would have to accept the consequences of her poor choices.  I told them, and the school, that if she had to repeat 8th grade, or go to summer school I was completely fine with that.  Every time Elise complained about a teacher or class in school I cheerfully assured her that I'm sure she would enjoy them even more the second time around. So for months now I have bit my tongue,  not mentioned homework,  have cheerfully assured her how fun it will be to make friends with all of the 7th graders,   I have cried in my room in frustration and anger.  But our relationship has gotten better. She has been doing  her homework, and getting better grades.  She even comes out of her room and talks to us now!

 My reply:

 As a mother you attend many funerals....the funeral of the dream of having your child potty trained before age 3, the funeral of the dream of your home being always clean and tidy, the funeral of the dream of having children who all play two instruments.  But after you cry and bury your dream, you find a peace and calm come to you as you accept your children as they are and life as it is and your season of time as it is now in the present. 

You have to accept who YOU are, and bury the dream of being like someone else.  I just had to experience that AGAIN today as I sat in the airport waiting room wishing I looked like that lady over there, and that one just over there.

Satan wants us to be discouraged, depressed and down on ourselves.  Well, get thee behind me, Satan.  And get out of my daughter, Faith's way!  She'll bulldoze you to the ground and you'll be wondering what hit you.
Love you Faith,
Mom

 My son's reply:

In the words of Jeffrey Holland a few weeks ago:

"In this Church, what we know will always trump what we do not know. And remember, 

in this world, everyone is to walk by faith.

So be kind regarding human frailty—your own as well as that of those who 

 serve with you… Except in the case of His only perfect Begotten Son, 

imperfect people are all God has ever had to work with. That must be 

terribly frustrating to Him, but He deals with it. So should we. 

And when you see imperfection, remember that the limitation is not in 

the divinity of the work. 

As one gifted writer has suggested, when the infinite fulness is poured forth, 

it is not the oil’s fault if there is some loss because finite vessels 

can’t quite contain it all. Those finite vessels 

include you and me, so be patient and kind and forgiving."

- Ammon

 I hope this has helped some of you. If you have additional thoughts, please add them in the comments. 

Thanks for reading, 
 Cathy

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Parenting Tip - A Win-Win Technique

My daughter in law was telling me what a great Dad my son is and how good his parenting skills are.  She told me about a major conflict they were going to have with their 10 year old son who had saved up his money to buy a certain video game.  But she said Ammon, my son, had handled it so well, that there was no issue or fight after all. 

 

When their son, Jonas, bought the video game, they discovered it had a lot of violence that they weren’t aware of, and they quickly saw how addicting the game was and how it was causing problems.  Ammon sat down with Jonas and calmly pointed out that there were issues with the video game that they needed to problem solve.  Then he listed the problems, which were the violence and wanting to spend too much time playing the game and not doing homework and chores.  

Ammon asked Jonas what he thought they could do about it.  Jonas quickly replied that there were restrictions that could be put on the levels to avoid too much violence.  Then he thought, and said, “Well, I don’t really have any time to play it except on Wed afternoons and Saturdays, so maybe I could just play it on those days and not the rest of the week.”

My grandson came up with good solutions for the problems and since he helped create the rules surrounding the playing of the video game, he was willing to stick with the rules.

What a great parenting technique to use when family problems arise.  Let the children help problem solve the issues—then they feel like their ideas and feelings are respected by their parents and they are willing to cooperate and in turn, respect their parents’ feelings and ideas.  It’s a win-win situation.

So many issues can be problem solved this way, from how to get ready for school on time to bedtime routines, or homework or bath time conflicts. Kids are creative and often have great solutions that we haven’t even thought about.

Have you had your children help problem solve areas of conflict?  I love the ideas kids come up with. My children were willing to practice the piano for a box of cereal of their choice--the sugary kind I usually wouldn't buy.  Easy way to get piano practicing done!

Share with us what things have worked with your family.

Thanks for reading,

Cathy

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Arizona Mother of Special Needs

I'm sharing a post I put on the Arizona American Mothers Blog recently.  It is an interview I did with our new Arizona Mother of Special Needs, Tenille Avery.  

Sometimes we, as mothers and wives, get so bogged down with our own problems and family situations, that we start thinking negatively and don't appreciate the blessings we have.  I find it always helps me when I see others and their problems, to be more content and happy with my own problems.  We're more comfortable with our own lives.

Here is Tenille and her family and story.
 

 1.  What are your children diagnosed with?  What are their ages?

Bryon was diagnosed at age 4 with "severe autism". Timothy was also diagnosed at age 4 with "moderately severe autism".
2.  What are the limitations or challenges your children have?

We have some severe speech delays. Bryon has the speech of a 4 or 5 year old. He uses a lot of memorized phrases that are sometimes out of context. Neither spoke before they were 4. Additionally, Bryon is not yet fully potty trained and he has a hyper gag reflex and a texture aversion. He cannot/doesn't chew. He lives on a diet of instant oatmeal, macaroni and cheese mixed with baby food, yogurt, pudding, and applesauce. He has difficulty gaining weight and is nutrient deficient. We supplement with pediasure. Timothy's speech is great and he is now a stickler for enunciation, though sometimes he decides how a word is pronounced and will not change his mind. He is incredibly stubborn. We struggle with just about everything because if he doesn't want to do, it is not getting done. He tends to be more angry and aggressive; almost the exact opposite of Bryon in every way.
3.  How does this effect your home/personal life?

It effects everything. We were a non verbal household for years. We used a lot of picture cues and did a lot of guessing. Ultimately, my daughter had a speech delay and was in special education until this year. Bryon's diet and Timothy's stubbornness means I cook up to 5 different dinners every night. I still change the diapers of a 9 year old. We have extra locks on our door and an alarm that chimes when we open a door because Timothy is a runner and if Bryon got out alone, he would not be able to tell anyone his name or where he lived or my name or phone number. My children run a very high risk of exploitation. Bryon gets sick more often and worse than most children because of his poor diet. There are still some very frustrating moments because communicating with my boys is still very difficult. I don't have a personal life. :) I can't.
4.  As a mother, how do you view or see your children?

For all our difficulty, I see my children as perfect. They are little pieces of heaven that sometimes kick me in the face when they don't want to put on their shoes.
5.  How do you view your job as a mother to children with special needs?

My job as a mother is never ending. It was tough to realize that Bryon will never leave my home. That I will have to make arrangements for him after I die because he won't be able to live independently. I have very high hopes for Timothy. He is somewhat of a genius. It is truly a full time job. Between school, meetings, and therapies, it seems like I have something everyday for my kids.
6.  How do you keep sane or what keeps you going when life gets hard?

Sanity is overrated. I read or go to the gym. Sometimes I just turn on my iPod and crank up the volume. Xanax. Lots and lots of Xanax.
7.  What are some funny things that have happened with your children?

So many things. My kids are hilarious. I know they don't usually mean to be, but they are. Some of the things they say crack me up. We have started keeping a journal of all the crazy things they say. Timothy loves to tell people to "Stop stepping on my moment" when he feels they are upstaging him. I asked him one day what he wanted for dinner, he responded with "Nothing, I am afraid of getting fat."
8. What is the hardest thing to cope with?

The hardest thing to cope with would be my own feelings of inadequacy and failure. I am not equipped for special needs kids. It is very stressful and I always feel like I am doing something wrong. Then I feel guilty for being stressed and I am sure that almost anyone else could to this better than me.

 My life is hard. I laugh a lot because if I don't, I cry. I don't want to be pitied, but I have a difficult time being praised because I feel so undeserving of people's admiration. People often tell me that they could never do what I do. They could, especially when they have to. It's your child. I get frustrated when people say that they are just glad that their kids are "healthy". Believe me, when they are not "healthy" or "typical", you love them even more. You feel an insanely fierce need to protect them. Bryon is my oldest, so this is all I know. I am on a serious learning curve with my "typical" daughter. I can parent autistic kids. Typical is new for me.

 Thank you Tenille, for your honesty and bravery.  You are doing a great work within the walls of your home.

Thanks for reading,

Cathy

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Parenting Tip - Stop It!

I recently saw an old clip of Bob Newhart.  His patient was telling him that she was terrified of being buried alive in a box.  She went on and on about her fears and how they were restricting her activities and causing her problems.

Bob then replied that he could cure her with two words:  STOP IT!  He told her to stop thinking about being buried alive.  Stop thinking about her fears.  That was it.  Case closed.  She would be cured if she would just STOP IT. Well, naturally, she wasn't sold on his advice.

This made me think about how many times I would tell my children to stop it.  Stop being so noisy, stop leaving your clothes on the floor, stop fighting with your brother, stop complaining.  You get the idea.....But did it work?  Did they STOP?  No, of course not.

I think that in order to stop something, you have to start something else.  You have to replace the wrong behavior with a better behavior.  Instead of telling your child to stop being noisy, ask him if he can whisper quieter than you can or ask him funny questions in a whisper so he has to listen carefully to hear you.  Instead of telling your children to stop leaving their clothes on the floor, tell them to start hanging them on the spiderman hook you just bought and hung up or start putting their dirty clothes in the flower laundry basket in their room.

If you're in the car, instead of telling your children to stop fighting, ask them to start counting how many white cars they see driving down the street.If you're home and they're fighting, ask them to count how many windows are in your whole house.

Get it?  Distract them from the wrong thoughts, behaviors and actions and give them new actions, thoughts and things to do.  You can't take away something --without replacing it with something else;  that would be negative space, a black hole, a void.

It works for adults too.  I'm going to STOP wasting time on the computer.  Instead, I will make a list of things I need/want to do and look at the list when I have a few moments to kill.

So my advice, Bob Newhart, would be to START IT! 

Thanks for reading,

Cathy

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Parenting Tip - Enjoy them before they're gone

When I see videos like this one, I usually think, "Yeah, right.  That never happens." 

But why shouldn't it happen?  Our children are the dearest and most important people in our life.  They stay young for only a very short time.  You never get that time in their life back again.  You never can see them and hold them as a baby again, or watch them pretend and use their imagination. Oh, how I wish I could hold each of my babies again and cuddle them for one more day.  [Hey, that sounds like an interesting movie plot...... ]

When your children are teenagers you need to enjoy them too.  Appreciate the growth they're going through, the independence they're learning to use; be there to encourage them, cheer them on and love them unconditionally.  And remember, you won't have them at this age for very long either.

We know that change is inevitable.  So embrace it, expect it, and live today for the pure joy you find in it. Go hold your baby, play with your toddler, talk and listen to your teenager.  Who knows, maybe some day someone will make a video about YOU!

Thanks for reading,

Cathy

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Good, Better, Best

  I especially think these ideas are relevant to lots of families:
**Super family activities may be good for children, but they are not always better than one-on-one time with a loving parent.

 **The amount of children-and-parent time absorbed in the good activities of private lessons, team sports, and other school and club activities also needs to be carefully regulated. Otherwise, children will be over scheduled, and parents will be frazzled and frustrated.

 **Parents should act to preserve time for family prayer, family scripture study, family home evening, and the other precious togetherness and individual one-on-one time that binds a family together and fixes children’s values on things of eternal worth.

 **Family experts have warned against what they call “the overscheduling of children.” In the last generation children are far busier and families spend far less time together. Among many measures of this disturbing trend are the reports that structured sports time has doubled, but children’s free time has declined by 12 hours per week, and unstructured outdoor activities have fallen by 50 percent.

 **The time a family spends together “eating meals at home [is] the strongest predictor of children’s academic achievement and psychological adjustment.

 **Team sports and technology toys like video games and the Internet are already winning away the time of our children and youth. Surfing the Internet is not better than serving the Lord or strengthening the family.

I, for one, am going to look at my activities and see which ones are good, better and best.  Then I need to be BRAVE enough to change some of them.  

Today is a good day to look at your family's activities.  Some things you may need to change, and it may mean going against the popular things your friends are doing with their children.  But be BRAVE.  Choose the BEST!

Thanks for reading,

Cathy

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Parenting Tip - Rocks in a Jar

Have you heard the parable of the rocks in the jar?  It's a time management technique of prioritizing the things you need to get done, and doing the most important ones first.  If you put big rocks in a jar first, then you can still add in more pebbles, sand and even water.  But if you put pebbles, sand and water in a jar first, you'll never be able to make room for the big rocks.

I recently led a discussion with some women at Church regarding this parable and it was thought provoking what further ideas we came up with.

We discussed what the "rocks"were in our lives--the things we wanted to be sure and do each day. Each woman, of course, had different ideas according to her circumstances but  some of the big rocks most of us had were spending time with family, scripture reading, prayer, and exercising.  We talked how maybe some days we could fit in all the big rocks, but other days we may have to spend a shorter amount of time on some rocks, and that was okay.  If we acknowledge that some of the rocks are only going to be put in our jar 3 times a week instead of every day, then we don't set ourselves up for failure and guilt.  And ask yourself this question: do the big rocks necessarily have to all be put in the jar first thing in the morning?  I have a hard time getting all the important things done first, but when I realize I can do some things later in the day, and still get them done, it helps me not be so frustrated.

Our rocks change over the course of our lives and some seasons of our lives may have different sets of rocks.  This, too, is normal and okay.

One mother said that she only wanted the big rocks in her jar and didn't want any pebbles or sand cluttering up her life. Another mother of young children said she needed those pebbles to keep her sane enough to put in the big rocks.  What are the pebbles?  Perhaps things like reading a good book, scrapbooking, knitting, crafting, watching a movie, etc.

Before teaching my class, I was outside scouring my alley looking for rocks and pebbles to bring for the object lesson.  I picked up a nice pebble, only to find that it was really a dirt clod and it crumbled in my hand.  Do we have rocks and pebbles in our jar that are in reality dirt clods?  Do we spend our time on things that are of no worth, only to have them crumble to dust in our jar?

Some rocks are fragile.  My husband found a big rock that had large crystals inside it.  Unfortunately the weather has caused the crystals to disintegrate and they are much smaller than they use to be.  Do we have fragile rocks in our jar--children that are growing up too soon, testimonies that are tender, or family relationships that need attention?

Some rocks are in disguise.  I asked my mother to bring some of the animals she made out of rocks years ago for her grandchildren.  They're really cute, and look like animals, until you realize they are just rocks.  Do we have things in our lives in disguise, only to find out they are essential rocks that are shaping and changing our lives?  Think about family members who may have passed away and left you to manage life alone, or children with learning disabilities, or having less money than you wish you had.  All these "rocks in disguise" are in your jar and taking room each day.  Don't complain about them when they may, in fact, be helping you learn to have compassion, or force you to think differently or learn new skills.

Good luck with the rocks in your jar.  Put them in carefully each day.  Add some pebbles to spice up your life.  And think about the water.  What does it represent for you?

Thanks for reading,
Cathy

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Parenting Tip - No Spoonfeeding Allowed

When I teach piano lessons, the mother is always there listening and writing down what and how the child is to practice at home.   I teach young children so the mother is an integral part of the teaching and learning process.  She IS the teacher in the home setting.

But sometimes I'll notice that a student is having a hard time learning a new piece.  I sense that the child is waiting for me to tell him every note he is to play and is not internalizing the sequence on his own.  When I question how the practice session goes at home, I soon discover that the mother is telling the child every single note to play and so the child just sits, waiting to be spoon-fed and takes no responsibility to learn the notes himself.  When I help the mother realize what is happening, she changes her technique at home and the child quickly learns to play the song.

When a child internalizes the learning, whether it be piano or math,  the knowledge becomes his own and he can apply it and gradually learn more.

Do we spoon feed our children in every day life?  Are we constantly nagging them to get their homework done, do their chores, clean up their room, or quit fighting with their siblings?  How can we get them to "own" their responsibilities and internalize the learning so they can do what they are suppose to do?

Our words are our best help, I think.  Instead of constantly saying, "have you finished your homework yet?" perhaps we could talk with them beforehand about how much homework they have, how long they think it will take them to do it, and when and where is the best time for them to work on it.  Help them verbalize the steps needed to accomplish getting their work done, then provide them with the time and environment they need to do it and let them do it.  Check in on them periodically but let them tell you what their progress is and what they still need to do . 

Easy to say, but harder to do, I know, and not an overnight success rate! This takes consistent practicing on both you and your child's part.

Cleaning a bedroom can be an overwhelming project.  But I'm just learning the value of categorizing things, myself, and think it's a super way to break down a big project into small steps.  Help your child categorize what is in her room that needs to be done--like clothes picked up, toys put in bins, and bed made.  Let your child decide on the order of how she will get things done, and maybe even how long she thinks it will take her. Then let her do it, encouraging her or even helping her (depending on the age).

Giving your children the gift to learn things, internalize that learning and become responsible for their actions is a great thing for you to do, moms.  Also a HARD thing because it takes time and practice and sometimes doesn't work out too well.  But using natural consequences ("sorry--no board game tonight, your homework took too long") and lots of positive coaching ("wow, look at you sitting there doing your  math problems"), your children will soon be on their way.

Thanks for reading,
 Cathy



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Parenting Tip - Asking WHY?

Children go through stages.  One of the painful ones is the stage of asking "WHY?"  For months your child constantly asks, "why?" on every event, activity and issue you come across.  And it seems like their need to know never gets satisfied, because as soon as you answer the first "why", it is always followed by another "why".

But I think as parents, maybe WE should be asking ourselves, WHY?  Why am I doing what I'm doing, because it sure doesn't seem to be making a difference to my family.  Here are some things you might be struggling with and if you know the "why", it might give you encouragement to keep going.

Why am I a stay at home mother when we need more money and I can work while the kids are in school?
Why am I the one who has to set the mood for our family?
Why am I constantly having to teach my children to do their chores?
Why am I driving my kids to 5 different activities a week and getting stressed out?
Why do I have to fix dinner every day?

Two of the greatest gifts we can give our children is a sense of security and the knowledge that they are loved unconditionally.  When we think about these two gifts, we can see that a lot of the reasons why we do things is to give these gifts to our children.

Why do I stay home?  So I am there for my children when they are sick.  So I can catch teaching moments throughout the day to instill a truth into their hearts.  So I can give them a sense of security.  So I have time to prepare healthy meals and teaching moments.

Why am I the one who has to set the mood for our family?  Yeah, that seems totally unfair!  But it's a fact and hard things make you stronger.  You are the cornerstone of your family and have been entrusted with a great responsibility.

Why am I constantly having to teach my children to do their chores?  Because I am a teacher.  I teach children to be self sufficient and to be responsible so they can be mature adults.  It will take me a LONG time, but it is important for me to stick to it.

Why am I driving my kids to so many activities and stressing out?  Ummm, this is a hard one.  You might answer: so my children will have lots of opportunities to learn and grow.  But are they?  Or are you and they becoming stressed out?  Are you teaching, instead, that they are entitled to do everything that everyone else can do and teaching the lie, that "we can do it all".  The answer to this "why" may cause you to reconsider and change some things in your family.

Why do I have to fix dinner everyday?  So I can provide healthy food and teach my children to respect and care for their bodies.

Okay enough preaching and rambling.  I encourage you to look at WHAT you are doing and discover the WHY you are doing it.  It will help you to stick with it, or change it or tweak it or understand it.

Thanks for reading,

Cathy

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Parenting Tip- Families Work Together for the Good of the Family

I heard a great idea I wanted to pass on.  It helps your children understand the election process and the duties of President, Vice President and so forth.  Even though the elections are over (thank goodness--no more junk mail and phone calls) this is still an important concept to teach that is timeless.

This family had an election among the children for who was to be the president and vice president in the family.  The president and vice were able to make propositions, such as extending the bedtime or allowing cookies at dinner, but they could also be impeached--by the parents.

There are  many ways you could use this idea to suit your own family's needs.  Perhaps the parents could be the president and vice president, with children being senators and legislators.  Laws and propositions could be proposed, voted on, passed or even vetoed.

Another family who use to have a "working mom", that is a mom who worked outside the home, used the union and boss idea to teach their children leadership skills and work ethics.

At this time of year, perhaps you could have your family become Santa's workshop and the children could be the elves.  They would make gifts for siblings and parents and ensure that fun and good things to eat were ever prevalent. 

One family had elves keep track of whether their children were naughty or nice with the elf leaving  a piece of candy or a piece of coal each night in the children's shoes.  A recent book entitled, The Elf on the Shelf has a similar idea of an elf "spying" on children.  This may or may not appeal to you. It might depend on your children and if you feel they need extra encouragement to be good or not. 

I prefer having children focus on what THEY can do to help and encourage their siblings.  Maybe they can be elves who leave notes when they see their siblings helping each other out or being obedient to parents.

All the ideas above relate to the fact that families work together for the good of the family.  Keep that idea in mind as you go throughout the holidays.  As a family, you can help neighbors, grandparents, those in need, those who are less fortunate,  and even your own family members. 

That's what families do!

Thanks for reading,

Cathy


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Parenting Tip - Teach Forgiveness

I've had a paradigm shift in my thinking about the topic of FORGIVENESS in family life.  It all stems from this article by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf. 

I always thought of forgiveness as what you do when someone has wronged you or hurt you or done something bad to you.  Which it is, of course, but it's more. As a teenager, I would hold a grudge and give  my parents the "silent treatment" if they wouldn't let me go somewhere or do something I wanted to do.  My siblings  would get over being mad quickly, but I mistakenly thought that I had to be mad for a long time to show how unhappy I was about their decision.  I thought if I wasn't mad, then my parents  would think I didn't really mind their decision after all. So I would carry anger around for a long time.

But forgiveness is not being mad when you have the right to be.  It's not being hurt when someone has hurt you.  It's not seeking revenge when you have been wronged.

How does this apply to family life?  It can be applied and used multiple times a day!

Little sister takes big brother's toy.  Big brother has a right to be mad--he has been wronged and usually retaliates by hitting or crying.  But if big brother forgives his little sister, he shows love and understanding instead of revenge and justification.  He becomes a peacemaker.

 Big brother plays in the mud creating rivers and dams until little brother pours too much water over everything, ruining all the hard work. Big brother can hit and yell, or stop and try to understand what happened and forgive little brother.

Teenage daughter wants to go to a movie with her friends.  Her parents don't approve of the movie, even though her friends' parents--who are loving and cautious parents--do approve.  Teenage daughter can argue and fight or sulk and criticize.  But if teenage daughter forgives her parents for what she thinks as being "mean to her", she can look at their point of view, can realize they love her enough to protect her, and can let them know she disagrees with their decision, but respects them as her parents to willingly comply.  Her parents so appreciate teenage daughter's attitude, that they offer to let her friends come over for pizza and movies another week end.

Take a good look at your family and see the many areas you can teach and practice forgiveness. For example, your husband forgetting to run an important errand, your son not taking out the garbage, or a car suddenly cutting in front of you.  What about when you run out of peanut butter and your preschooler throws a fit, or your daughter's shirt is in the dirty clothes and she refuses to wear anything else.  Do children need to learn to forgive their parents?

When we practice forgiveness, we feel happier and peaceful.  We can forgive others, and still teach them.  We can forgive others, and then feel peaceful enough TO teach them.  Little sister is patiently taught to not take toys, discussion with teenage daughter is calm and respectful, husband and son are still loved even though natural consequences follow their forgetfulness.  You ask your child to forgive you for not having time to buy more peanut butter or do the laundry.

Putting a name to our feelings and actions is important.  Help your children learn when to forgive and label it as forgiveness.  Teach them the blessings that come from forgiveness such as peace and harmony and understanding for others.

It's important to teach about forgiveness BEFORE it is needed.  The preschooler crying for peanut butter might understand better if he's been taught about what to do in these situations previously.

And remember, it will take a long time to learn this principle--for ourselves, and our family. Especially that preschooler!


Thanks for reading,

Cathy

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