Parenting Tip - The Stubborn Child

Here's part of an email I wrote to one of my daughters after she asked for advice.  Maybe it will help someone else as well.


How to make your kids a priority in your life and how to enjoy them and feel love for them.
*  Make a joy journal--no requirements, or rules to do it every week-- just jot down things randomly whenever you see something your children have done to make you smile or feel joyful.  Keep the journal in plain sight in your bedroom so you don't forget to write in it.

*  Pray to feel charity for your children.

*Read about the age group characteristics of your children so you're not frustrated at normal things they do and you can understand why they're acting the way they are.

* Do fun things with them that YOU like to do whether it's reading out loud, making videos, cooking, watching a movie and eating popcorn, singing, etc.

* Read about the 5 kinds of love and figure out what you and they and your husband need--  physical touch, words of appreciation, service, gifts, quality time

Dealing with a stubborn child
* Talk to her about how people communicate differently.  It's okay if it's hard to verbalize her feelings when she's mad, though it's something that needs to be worked on to become a strength later on in her life.  Communicate to her through letters--maybe she'll become a great writer with all her practice in writing letters back to you. 

* Communicate your love through notes to her left here and there.

* Give her a journal that she can write in and you won't read.

* When she's angry give her a direction that can help her express her feelings like, "Write down 2 things about why you're mad," or "Write down 2 things why you don't want to do this....".

*Have her color her feelings.  "Go draw a mean angry picture about how you feel right now".

*What is she interested in?  Notice her and what she does in her spare time.  Then encourage and join her in that activity sometimes.

*Use the rewind idea.  When she's talking disrespectfully, ask her to rewind and say it with a different tone or nicer words.  Ask your kids to help you with your tone of voice.  Many times I've caught myself saying okay words, but my tone of voice was degrading and rude. 

*Be off the wall and fun when a "mood" is threatening.  Talk with a southern accent, or an English prim and proper tone or a Chinese accent.  I do this at school when I'm frustrated with a class and it charms them like nothing else.  Or get in a karate pose and jump and kick all over the room, then when you have her attention, sweetly give directions or restate the problem, then walk away into  another room, letting your actions tell her you are assuming that she is following through on whatever the problem or direction was. (The karate stuff lets you get your frustrations and anger out, too!)

* Hug and kiss your stubborn child and say, "You just need some love and attention."  After smothering her with love and kisses, repeat what she needs to do, and walk away-- allowing her to choose to do it or suffer the natural consequences.

* Maybe your child can only get your attention through being stubborn.  Try giving lots of attention and positive reinforcement and see if the stubbornness subsides.

* Kneel down by your child and offer a prayer out loud. Simply say that you and she are having a frustrating time, but that you love your child so much and want to try and help her.  Ask God to help you understand your daughter.  Mention the things that you love about your daughter--her abilities and cuteness.  Close the prayer, hug your child, then rock her, smooth her hair and wait to see what happens.

Just remember, a stubborn child is hurting somehow.  Pray to find out what the reason is, then try to address the issue.

Good luck!

Thanks for reading,
Cathy

Pictures from The Pout-Pout Fish by Deborah Diesen
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Music Tip - The Piano Guys

I have fallen in love with The Piano Guys.  Have you heard or seen them on you tube?  You HAVE to!  Regardless of what the group's name implies, it is actually a piano player and cello player and they do incredible arrangements of classical music, popular music, religious music, you name it music.

The scenery where they play is unbelievable and the many cellos you see being played is really fun. These are videos you'll want to inspire your children with.  The CDs you'll want to play over and over again.

Listen and enjoy!  Thanks for reading,
Cathy

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Parenting Tip - It's your life. Take Charge

 A family I know recently faced a scary situation. They went to their son's T ball game, but then couldn't find him when the game started. They looked and looked, checked both cars, asked people to help, but could not find their young son anywhere. Finally they called the police. The dad went back to his car one last time and looking in, heard a small voice from under the back seat say, “Dad, I don't want to play T ball.”


Have your children ever told you they don't want to do something? Have you, yourself, ever not wanted to do something? I remember one summer when I was in college and had the most boring job in the world. One day during my lunch break I called my mom to complain and say I wish I could just quit. All I was doing was collating a teacher's papers and it was more of an extra job that could be done later during the year by others than something that was critical for me to do. She told me to go ahead and quit if I wanted to. I couldn't believe my ears—I could quit??!! But what about the other times when she wouldn't let me quit—like when I was tired of taking piano lessons or doing homework?

I gladly quit my job.

I learned a lesson that day. Each situation is different, requiring different decisions and solutions. You can't make blanket assumptions and judge others' decisions based on what you did in a similar situation. Sometimes you have to tow the line and learn dependability and integrity. Sometimes you have to streamline your life and find out what is really important in life—dropping out of things that cause more stress than they're worth.

So, did my friends let their son quit T ball?

I don't know. Maybe he needed to learn things from T ball that they felt were valuable. Maybe they decided he was only 6, and T ball was an extra thing that could be dropped to simplify their life.

But one thing I do know. It's okay to say no to stress and yes to simplifying your life. It's okay to say no to things that others think are essentials and yes to having more time to do what makes you happy.

It's your life. Take charge.

Thanks for reading,
Cathy

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Parenting Tip - Parable of the Bike Ride

I rode my bike this morning and was so happy the weather had turned off cool again--a little reprieve from the coming hot weather.  My route today led me to a road that I usually avoid because it’s a gradual downhill ride, and really fun, but bicycling back up is murder, and I’ve learned once I go down this road, all roads back to my house are uphill.

I decided to take it anyway.  It was a fun bike ride and I enjoyed the breeze and the beautiful palo verde trees with their brilliant yellow flowers.  After awhile it was time to head home.  I rode along the canal path, hoping I could find a different route home that wouldn’t be so steep.  As the canal path curved I was soon heading straight into the wind.  Whoa, it was hard pedaling! I decided to just pedal slow and steady and soon the path  curved again and the wind was not blowing straight at me.  I saw the end of the canal path up ahead that led back to the street.  I noticed that I had cut off half of the steep uphill drive on the road and hoped I was up for the rest of the ride to the top. 

As I pedaled the uphill road I took it slow and steady and thought, “Wow, it’s not as hard as I thought it would be.  If I just pedal slow and push each leg down in turn, I’ll soon be at the top.”  I kept pedaling and soon reached the top and felt such pride that I had been strong enough to keep going.  I thought, “Boy, I bet my thighs and hips are going to be lean and mean now!”

The rest of my bike ride was enjoyable.  There would be stretches again where the wind would blow straight at me.  But by now I knew it wouldn’t last and I lifted my eyes to look at the gorgeous blue sky with the huge billowing white clouds.  What a sight!  And the wind was heaven sent, I realized, because it blew my hair out of my eyes so I could see clearly in front of me, plus it cooled me down.

As I rode back to my house, I couldn’t help but compare my bike ride to my life.  Especially the last 8 months since my husband has passed away.  The wind has blown a lot, and the path has been steep and hard.  But the blue sky and white clouds have always been there and I realize that my legs are stronger and the breeze is cool and heaven sent and I can see clearly where I’m going.  I can’t see the end of the road, but I’m enjoying the ride.

I hope your “bike ride” through life is teaching you things.  Be sure to look for the parables as you go through life raising your children—it makes life so much more worthwhile. 

Thanks for reading,

Cathy

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Parenting Tips - Children

 I was looking for quotes about children and found these on this website:

• Children find everything in nothing; men find nothing in everything. - Giacomo Leopardi
• We've had bad luck with our kids - they've all grown up. - Christopher Morley
• A child can ask questions that a wise man cannot answer. - Anonymous 
•  There are only two things a child will share willingly - communicable diseases and his mother's age. - Benjamin Spock
• A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn't act that way very often. - Anonymous

• Little girls are cute and small only to adults.  To one another they are not cute.  They are life-sized. - Margaret Atwood
• What is a home without children? Quiet. - Henny Youngman
• The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them. - Anonymous
• Children are the anchors that hold a mother to life. - Sophocles
• Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
• It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men. - Frederick Douglass
• There are no seven wonders of the world in the eyes of a child.  There are seven million. - Walt Streightiff
• Kids: they dance before they learn there is anything that isn't music. - William Stafford
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• Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see. - John W. Whitehead
• Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. - Fran Lebowitz
• Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of man. - Rabindranath Tagore
• Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next. - Franklin P. Jones
• Like fruit, children are sweetest just before they turn bad. - Dena Groquet
• Children seldom misquote.  In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. - Anonymous
• A little girl is sugar and spice and everything nice - especially when she's taking a nap. - Anonymous
• In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children. - Robert Benchley 
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Thanks for reading,
Cathy
 (Pictures of children, courtesy of my grandchildren!)
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Music Tip - Brain Training with Music Lessons

I have been giving piano lessons for a loooong time--like 35 years.  I’ve taught lots and lots of children.  Hundreds.  But I can count on my two hands the number of students who have become proficient enough at playing the piano that they can play church hymns or classical or popular music with ease. That’s pathetic!  8-10 students out of hundreds—that’s not a very good percentage of success.

 I was feeling very discouraged one day when thinking about my success rate.  What a waste of time and money.  But then I started thinking about the new job my daughter had.  She’s a brain trainer with Learning Rx.  I became interested in this program because one of my piano moms was also a trainer (that’s how my daughter heard about the job).  As I talked with my piano mom and my daughter I was fascinated with the games and activities the trainers did with the children/adults.  Learning Rx states, “Brain training "rewires" the brain to perform more efficiently than ever before….scientists have documented that the brains of "good" readers and "poor" readers are "wired" to function differently. Intense training makes it possible to rewire the brain so that reading becomes faster and easier than ever before.”

The good news is that students who struggle to read, or do math, or who can’t concentrate  or remember things, can significantly improve with brain training exercises. Due to copyright, my daughter and piano mom couldn’t share all the exercises they do with the children in their training, but some of the ideas they mentioned reminded me of what practicing and playing a musical instrument does for the brain.

Suddenly I didn’t feel so bad anymore about wasted time and money and nonperforming piano students.  Because I realized that I am a brain trainer!  Even if a student only takes lessons for 12 months or less, in those 12 months I have helped train his brain.  He has practiced eye-hand coordination, small motor finger movements, sequential learning, plus all these cognitive skills:

Attention Skills- sustained, selective, divided

Long term memory and short term/working memory

Logic and reasoning

Auditory and visual processing

Processing speed

WOW!  Music lessons do all that! 

And guess what?  If you’re a parent whose child only took lessons for a short while, don’t feel guilty or feel like it was a waste of money.  You were providing brain training for your child!  And he’s smarter because of it.  Way to go!  What a good parent you are!

Thanks for reading,

Cathy

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Parenting Tip - Follow Your Gut Reaction

I read Malcolm Gladwell’s book Blink, a couple of years ago and think of it quite often.  It’s about how we make those quick initial judgments or gut reaction decisions, which most always seem to be true and correct.   I’ve been thinking about that in connection with my trying harder, lately, to listen to God’s voice so I can receive inspiration for my life.

 

Following your gut reaction and listening for inspiration sometimes mean you may do things “outside the box”.  They don’t really make sense at this time or point in life, but you feel that the decision is right, nonetheless.  Sometimes you have a fleeting thought and feel like you should follow it.

It just feels right.

 

I know a couple of moms who have experienced this.  One of my piano students quit recently.  The reason—well there were a couple—was a new baby, plus her husband was going back to school but still working full time.  The mom just had a gut feeling that she needed to simplify her life if things were going to go smoothly at home.  Even though her son was progressing with the piano and doing well, her feeling was that they needed to stop lessons for awhile.  

 

Another mom was deciding what to do about school for her children.  She felt like she should home school them.  Were they having problems at school? No.  Did they like school?  Yes.  Then why rock the boat?  It was that uneasy feeling and fleeting thought that something different needed to be done.  And homeschooling was the answer.  She followed her gut feeling, and that thought.  Now she’s feeling that changes need to be made again.

 

Is it easy to hear, listen, and understand those impressions that come so quickly or those unsettled feelings that won’t go away?  Definitely not! But as we practice listening and following through, our ability to hear and understand will increase.

 

Thanks for reading,

Cathy

 

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Music Tip - The song of a child

I was touched today, when I heard this story, told by one of the speakers at my church's conference.

During the earthquake in Haiti, a distraught father and mother ran from work to their apartment building to check on their 3 children, only to see that the whole building had collapsed and was in ruins.

There could not possibly be any survivors.  As they wept and mourned with others around them, suddenly the sound of a baby crying was heard.  Under the rubble a baby was found alive--their baby.  Then they heard singing--a child was singing--unbelievably their son!  He said he knew if he sang, his father would find him.  And then they found their third child alive as well.  A miracle! 

A child singing as he lay amid broken walls and bricks, trapped and waiting to be found.

 MUSIC.   

What power there is in music.  Power to calm our souls as we wait in the dark, power to reach out to others, power to join our love with others.

It is a gift.  Let us use this gift to bring love, laughter and healing into our homes and families.   

Thanks for reading,
Cathy
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Music Tip - Recorders-The Underrated Instrument

My daughter in law showed me this website that teaches your child to play the recorder using interactive music games.  Your child plays a regular recorder into the computer microphone and the game interacts with and teaches your budding musician.  My grandson LOVES the games and would rather play his recorder than the piano.  But I’m excited to see that soon this same website will have interactive piano games to teach reading skills to young pianists, too.

I start teaching students how to play the recorders when they are in third grade.  It’s actually a physical thing.  Children have to have big enough fingers to cover the holes on the recorders and by age 8, they are usually able to do that.

Recorders are a cheap, inexpensive way to have your whole family enjoy playing music together.  That is, if you can talk them into it.  So far, I haven’t been successful.  My grown kids just roll their eyes if I mention recorders.  But now, yes now I have grandchildren who are beginning to appreciate this underrated musical instrument. Who knows—sometime soon you may see the SHEPHERD GRANDCHILDREN with GRANDMA, playing folk songs on the recorder on you tube!

Thanks for reading,
Cathy  

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Parenting Tip - Temporary Crisis Situation

Scenario #1:  Your baby is sick and has kept you awake for 2 nights.  Your 5 year old just threw up and you’re not feeling too good yourself but your To Do list has several crucial things on it.

 

Scenario #2:  Your baby is sick…..child sick……but you feel fine and have a million things to do.  Your 5 year old will only lie on the couch and watch t.v. if you sit by her and your baby wants you to hold him constantly and wakes up crying if you lay him down.

 

I remember these scenarios very well.  One day when I had scenario #2 happening I felt so frustrated.  I had so many things to do but my children wanted me right by them holding them and comforting them.  I felt guilty because I didn’t want to.  Let them watch t.v. and leave me alone to get my To Do list done.  Plus this had been going on for several days now.  Was it ever going to get back to normal?

 

I decided that I was in a temporary crisis situation.  I got a large piece of paper and wrote in big letters TEMPORARY CRISIS SITUATION.  Then I described in a couple of sentences what the crisis was (kids sick and wanted my attention, commitments I had made and needed to do).

 

Next I listed what I should do:  My children are my priority.  They need my love and attention, therefore I will show love to them right now and let the other things go.

 

Then I listed the Advantages and Disadvantages. 

 

Advantages: 

* I can sit and watch movies all day (or in my case read a good book while they watch Disney movies) without feeling guilty while I rock and hold my children.

* I don’t have to fix dinner.  We’ll eat scrambled eggs/toast or pancakes or whatever.

* I have a good excuse for cancelling on my commitments.

* I am helping my children feel secure and loved and I am bonding and creating memories with them.

 

Disadvantages:

*I have to clean up after sick children.

*I have to swallow my pride and selfishness and put my children before my wants.

 

So to all of you out there facing a Temporary Crisis Situation, raise your right arm up (as if taking an oath) and repeat after me:

 

I am in a Temporary Crisis Situation (I am in a Temporary Crisis Situation)

This will not last forever (This will not last forever)

I will not feel guilty (I will not feel guilty)

I will just take one day at a time (I will just take one day at a time)

 

Now, don’t you feel better?

 

 

Thanks for reading,

Cathy

 

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